Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

A kinkajou, 1886.

Nobel Prize winner Rahman Abdel-Raouf Arafat Al-Qudwa, better known as Yasir Arafat, died of unknown causes at a French military hospital. He was 75.¹ Samples of Arafat's blood were sent to the United States and Germany to test for poison, while² some claimed that Arafat had a fondness for wild homosexual orgies, and had consequently died of AIDS.³ Arafat's funeral, attended by tens of thousands, was marked by two hours of honorary gunfire.⁴ Mahmoud Abbas, Arafat's most likely successor, dodged bullets in Gaza.⁵ The Palestinian leadership was left wondering where Arafat had stowed his billions of dollars, and⁶ downtown Jerusalem went wireless, with free Internet access for all.⁷ In Iraq, the United States took control of Falluja. Thirty-eight U.S. troops, six Iraqi soldiers, and 1,200 insurgents were killed in Operation al-Fajr (the Dawn), previously known as Operation Phantom Fury.⁸ Civilians there were finding it hard to come by medical supplies, and few clinics remained open. “People are eating flour because there's no proper food,” one refugee reported.⁹ Troops were diverted from Falluja to quell uprisings in Mosul, and¹⁰ there were at least five explosions in Central Baghdad.¹¹ Tanks rolled through Los Angeles. At first it appeared that they were responding to protests by civilians, but it later was revealed that they were only stopped at a red light.^{12 13} The State Department pledged $90 million to rebuild Falluja, and¹⁴ the New York City Metropolitan Museum of Art paid more than $45 million for Duccio di Buoninsegna's 8"x11" “Madonna and Child.”¹⁵

Commerce Secretary Donald Evans and Attorney General John Ashcroft resigned, as did ¹⁶ Secretary of State Colin Powell, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman, Education Secretary Rod Paige, and Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham.¹⁷ “Corporate integrity has been restored,” Ashcroft wrote to the President. “The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.”¹⁸ Halliburton admitted that it might have bribed Nigerian officials.¹⁹ Dick Cheney, who appears to have an enormous penis, ²⁰ went to a hospital complaining of shortness of breath, and was discharged three hours later.²¹ A pregnant baboon ran wild at George Bush Airport, and ²² President Bush nominated Alberto R. Gonzales to replace Ashcroft.²³ Gonzales, a critic of the Geneva convention and long-time Bush loyalist, ²⁴ was instrumental in protecting then-Governor Bush from the details of clemency pleas for death row inmates in Texas,²⁵ and in 1996 took pains to help Bush hide a 1976 drunk driving conviction.²⁶ Former high-school football star Demarco McCullum, Texas prisoner #999180, ²⁷ became the 21st prisoner executed in that state this year.²⁸ A train carrying nuclear waste from Valognes, France, to Gorleben, Germany, arrived late after being delayed by protestors, one of whom died after he chained himself to the tracks and was run over.²⁹ At the beginning of the week, Iran was working hard to convert 37 metric tons of milled yellowcake uranium into enough uranium hexaflouride for five nuclear weapons,³⁰ but later in the week, it promised to stop.³¹ Egypt rejected claims that it had secret nuclear ambitions.³² The Christian-dominated government of the Ivory Coast continued to battle a Muslim insurgency.³³ President Laurent Gbagbo accused France, which has 4,000 peacekeeping troops in the region, of favoring the rebels, and³⁴ anti-French feeling among southern Ivorians ran high. “I want a Frenchman. I want to eat a Frenchman,” said one protestor.³⁵ Astronomers took a closer look at Uranus, and found it stormy, with “vigorous convective activity in the southern hemisphere”; they described the rings around Uranus as “a layer of chunks.”³⁶ Television was banned in Afghanistan.³⁷

A North Carolina doctor gave women orgasms by running electric wires directly into their spines,³⁸ a 29-year old Connecticut woman accused her eight-year-old boyfriend of being too controlling, and³⁹ scientists discovered three new species of sea squirt.⁴⁰ The presidential race was still undecided in New Mexico.⁴¹ John Kerry, the junior senator from Massachusetts, told reporters, “Fifty-four plus million Americans voted for health care, they voted for energy independence, they voted for unity in America, they voted for stem-cell research, they voted for protecting Social Security.” ⁴² Tennessee took steps to eliminate its public health programs, and⁴³ Bush moved forward with his plan to privatize Social Security.⁴⁴ Scientists noted that Arctic warming could make it easier to find oil.⁴⁵ It was also observed that global warming is good for squid.⁴⁶ Shell Oil opened the first hydrogen refueling station in North America.⁴⁷ Centrist Democrats launched “Third Way,” an advocacy group that they hope will create a “moderate majority.”⁴⁸ Jerry Falwell announced the Faith and Values Coalition, a revival of the failed Moral Majority. The new group will fight against abortion, homosexual rights, and Democrats.⁴⁹ When asked to discuss Bush's obligations to evangelical Christians, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, “This President is someone who is committed to getting things done.”⁵⁰ The President spoke to Muslim leaders at an Iftar dinner to celebrate the end of Ramadan. “We will always protect the most basic human freedom,” he said, “the freedom to worship the almighty God without any fear.”⁵¹ President Bush refused to return the phone calls of Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, opting instead to meet with former Spanish Prime Minister José María Aznar. ⁵² Bush also met with Tony Blair, ⁵³ who is threatened with impeachment at home. They discussed the Middle East.⁵⁴ The White House ordered the CIA to purge all agents who were disloyal to the president.⁵⁵ In Japan, young women were being raped by the men with whom they'd hoped to commit suicide.⁵⁶ Iris Chang, author of The Rape of Nanking, killed herself, and⁵⁷ researchers at Carnegie Mellon announced a remote-controlled wireless pillow that sends hugs.⁵⁸ Chicago's parks division announced plans to track its employees with GPS monitors, like animals, and⁵⁹ NASCAR officials decided that race cars can be emblazoned with liquor ads.⁶⁰ Wu-Tang Clan co-founder Russell Jones, also known as O.D.B., Ol' Dirty Bastard, Dirt McGirt, and Big Baby Jesus, died at age 35.⁶¹ All around the world, dogs were doing yoga.⁶²