Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

It was Lent.¹ Deep Throat was dying,² and the creator of Dolly the sheep was granted a license to clone humans.³ A NASA study found that 2004 was the fourth-warmest year on record, and⁴ a report showed that, between April and September 2001, the Federal Aviation Administration received fifty-two reports about Al Qaeda's plans to hijack airplanes.⁵ Scientists at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service told of being forced to cover up their findings regarding risks to endangered species. Forty-two percent said they feared retaliation if they told the truth.⁶ Karl Rove was promoted.⁷ Condoleezza Rice visited Paris, and⁸ Donald Rumsfeld visited Iraq, where⁹ election results were announced. Several parties gained seats in the newly created Iraqi parliament, including the United Iraqi Alliance, the Kurdistan Alliance, the Iraqi List, “Iraqis,” the Turkmen Iraqi Front, National Independent Elites and Cadres Party, the Communist Party, the Islamic Kurdish Society, the Islamic Labor Movement in Iraq, the National Democratic Alliance, National Rafidain List, and the Reconciliation and Liberation Entity.¹⁰ Alberto Gonzales was sworn in as attorney general, and¹¹ it was discovered that George W. Bush reads newspapers, likes his iPod, and recycles.¹² Laura Bush fired the White House chef, and¹³ North Korea decided to ramp up its nuclear program in response to threats from the U.S. ¹⁴ Saudi Arabia denied that it was shopping for nuclear weapons.¹⁵

Wal-Mart announced plans to close a store in Canada after the store's workers unionized;¹⁶ in a separate case, the company agreed to pay $135,540 in fines for breaking child-labor laws.¹⁷ Hewlett-Packard fired CEO Carly Fiorina,¹⁸ Verizon agreed to buy MCI, and¹⁹ Howard Dean was elected chairman of the Democratic National Committee.²⁰ Chimpanzees were found to have a sense of justice, and²¹ secret documents showed that Cambridge University, among other institutions, has neglected and tortured monkeys in its laboratories. The monkeys screamed in fear and anger and tried to escape from their boxes.²² The pope endorsed suffering.²³ The last witness to the miraculous appearance of the Virgin Mary at Fatima died, and²⁴ a Canadian clinic planned to offer prescription heroin.²⁵ The Supreme Court of California decided to allow mentally retarded death-row prisoners to appeal their cases.²⁶ A four-year-old Michigan boy snuck out of the house and drove his mother's car to a video store, and²⁷ NASA decided to scrap the Hubble space telescope.²⁸ The Commerce Department announced that the U.S. had a $672 billion trade deficit in 2004.²⁹ A New York City man died of a new drug-resistant and extremely virulent strain of HIV that causes AIDS in only twenty months.³⁰ Mahmoud Abbas and Ariel Sharon shook hands across a table and declared a truce between Israel and Palestine.³¹ The Queen of Denmark sued Missy Elliott for infringing on her crest,³² Prince Charles was engaged to Camilla Parker Bowles, and³³ conservatives began considering Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty for the 2008 presidency.³⁴

Congress was once more casting its eye towards the oil in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.³⁵ The Bush Administration continued to promote its plan to gut Social Security, and³⁶ actor Tom Sizemore tried to cheat on a drug test by using a fake penis to pass urine.³⁷ A Swedish woman found a “medium-sized” penis in a bottle of ketchup. “I will never buy this brand again,” she said.³⁸ Zimbabwean women's track-and-field star Samukeliso Sithole turned out to be male. Sithole, who owns several beasts, claims that his penis has grown in only recently.³⁹ The government of Uganda was concerned about a production of the play “The Vagina Monologues.” “The author of the film is a known lesbian who lives with another woman,” said James Nsaba Buturo, the minister for information. “She worships the female sexual organ, seeing it as her god.”⁴⁰ Alan Keyes disowned his daughter and threw her out of his house because she is a lesbian.⁴¹ It was discovered that the United States has been sending unmanned drones to spy on Iran's nuclear facilities since April 2004.⁴² United States immigration authorities were evaluating a program that uses unmanned drones to patrol the border of Arizona and Mexico, and⁴³ Israel unveiled a tiny new drone that can be launched from a canister.⁴⁴ Israel has also developed a bomb that stinks for five years.⁴⁵ Anti-Semitism was on the rise in London; there were complaints of arson, beatings, and the mailing of a snuffbox filled with excrement.⁴⁶ In Afghanistan, a French soldier committed suicide, and⁴⁷ at the Best Buy in the Hudson Valley Mall in Kingston, New York, a man ran amok with an AK-47, injuring an Army recruiter.⁴⁸ Arthur Miller died, and⁴⁹ one out of six British secondary-school students identified Winston Churchill as an insurance salesman.⁵⁰ A Kansas woman left mute by a 1984 head injury began to speak again. “Okay,” she said, “okay.”⁵¹ General Motors was spending more for health care than for steel, and⁵² a study showed that lobsters probably don't feel pain when boiled.⁵³