Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

Runaway Raft on the Tigris.

Peter Schoomaker, the Army's top general, revealed that the United States was developing a plan to keep at least 100,000 soldiers in Iraq through 2009. Senator Chuck Hagel (R., Nebr.) called the plan "complete folly." "It would further destabilize the Middle East," he said. "It would give Iran more influence, it would hurt Israel, it would put our allies over there in Saudi Arabia and Jordan in a terrible position."^{1 2} President George W. Bush had yet to meet Iraq war protester Cindy Sheehan, even though Bush is on vacation and presumably has the time. "I think it's important for me to be thoughtful and sensitive to those who have got something to say," said Bush, "but I think it's also important for me to get on with my life."³ It was reported that Bush was losing his mind,⁴ and a man in Columbus, Georgia, was in trouble for smearing feces on his body and walking through a mall.⁵ A fourteen-year-old German boy was ordered to tear down the 300-foot-long roller coaster he had built in his back yard.⁶ In Iraq ten people were shot dead north of Baghdad, a family of five was killed by gunmen in Samarra, and the U.S. military denied bombing a wedding party in Hit.^{7 8 9} In Afghanistan four more U.S. soldiers were killed, bringing the year's total to 65.¹⁰ In Richmond, Virginia, a sale on used laptops led to 17 injuries and one woman wetting herself.¹¹

Secret documents revealed that Jean Charles De Menezes, the Brazilian electrician shot and killed as a terrorist by police on a London train, was not carrying any bags, was not wearing a bulky winter coat, and did not jump any turnstiles. He was, however, still shot seven times in the head.¹² Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh Spice, said that she had never read a book in her life, although she had written a 528-page autobiography.¹³ A file folder describing the affirmative-action work of Supreme Court nominee John Roberts went missing from the Reagan Library after it was reviewed by White House lawyers, and it was revealed that Roberts had once refused a request from Michael Jackson for a special letter of commendation from the Reagan White House.^{14 15} A study found that white people tend to get better, more thorough health care than African-American people.¹⁶ Metropolitan Theofilos became Orthodox Patriarch of Jerusalem, replacing Patriarch Irineos I, who was ousted after leasing property in East Jerusalem to those looking to increase the Jewish presence there;¹⁷ the last of Gaza's Jewish settlers left their homes on armored buses.¹⁸ Canada was considering sanctions against the United States after it refused to comply with a NAFTA ruling in favor of the Canadian lumber industry.¹⁹ In Victoria, Canada, methamphetamine addicts were stealing large numbers of bicycles because disassembling the bikes soothes them while they tweak.²⁰ Robert Moog died,²¹ and Chinese authorities were criticizing the televised Mongolian Cow Sour Yogurt Supergirl Contest for its worldliness. ²²

In Kansas Dennis Rader, the B.T.K. serial killer, was sentenced to ten consecutive life sentences; he will be eligible for parole in 2180. Rader believed that his victims would serve as his slaves in the afterlife, performing roles like "sex toy and boy servant." ²³ Japanese scientists were able to control the direction a person walked by using a handheld remote control. ²⁴ Proponents of the theory of "intelligent design" continued to insist that their ideas regarding the origin of life had merit,²⁵ and hundreds of people in Florida attended a museum exhibit of preserved corpses encased in silicone.²⁶ In Edinburgh, Scotland, 10,000 bagpipers piped against cancer,²⁷ and in Switzerland a historically important boulder called Unspunnenstein was stolen by French-speaking separatists.²⁸ In Germany a man drowned while trying to get his fishing pole back from a fish; a police spokeswoman described the fish as "ordinary."²⁹ Elephants rampaged through a resort town in Zimbabwe, destroying homes,³⁰ mice were being taught to surf in Australia,³¹ and a toad infestation struck Big Sandy, Montana, and made the roads sticky.³² A seventy-eight-year-old Georgia woman, angry that her eighty-five-year-old ex-boyfriend was cheating on her, shot and killed him with an antique handgun. "I'd do it again," she said.³³ Sioux Falls, South Dakota, banned cage fighting without a permit.³⁴