Faux Beta Kappa

From a telemarketing script for University Degree Program, published in the Summer Cabinet. The Federal Trade Commission ordered UDP to close in 2003, after it had sold more than 200,000 degrees. A 2004 report by the Government Accountability Office found that at least twenty-eight senior federal employees hold degrees from diploma mills.

Hi, this is [say your name]. I’m a registrar with the University Degree Program. I apologize for my European accent. We just wanted to contact you to tell you that because we have some spaces left in our program, we reduced our registration fee by more than $2,000. [Wait—continue only if you are not interrupting and he is not in a rush!]

First of all, let me be honest. If you’re looking for an accredited university, I suggest that you register at Harvard or Yale, pay the several hundred thousand dollars tuition, and study the many years required. Is this what you want? [Wait—if “Yes,” hang up!]

Or would you rather have the benefits of an Ivy League education immediately with very little cost? [Wait!] Of course you would! As your [speak softly and fast] nonaccredited “diploma mill” [normal speech], our job is to take care of your needs and wants by backing up your credentials. So that I can recommend the best program for you, please tell me, career-wise, what you want out of your future. [Wait—listen closely, showing interest.]

In which field of study do you want your degrees? [Wait—you can recommend a field of study here if needed.] Good choice! Now, let me ask two brief questions. Do you feel that you have the potential to be a qualified professional in your field? [Wait!] Do you feel that you only lack documentation of your accomplishments? [Wait!]

With your background, I feel that you can take advantage of a Ph.D. in [state the name of his field] or an M.B.A.—The price is the same, so which would you prefer, a Ph.D., M.B.A., or both? [Wait!]

Now, let’s custom design your diplomas so that you know exactly what you are getting. Your diplomas will look exactly like those you’ve seen on the office walls of doctors, lawyers, and other professionals. Actually, most university diplomas look very much alike, but let’s select a university and make your diplomas look like theirs. Of course, the diplomas will bear our university’s name. What’s your favorite university? [Wait!]

That’s a good choice, because they have a very impressive diploma. Can we put on your diplomas that you graduated with top honors? [Wait!]

You can assume any titles that come with your diplomas. For instance, when you get the Ph.D., you can legally call yourself doctor, or put “Ph.D.” after your name. Do you plan to call yourself doctor? [Wait!]

Now, [use his name], our program is perfect, because you designed it yourself, but if I were you, I’d only be concerned about one thing. [Wait for him to say, “What’s that?”] Will your friends and relatives be jealous of your newfound success? [Wait!]

Let me ask you this—if I were to give you $250,000 in cash right now, would you give me $10,000? [Wait!] Of course you would. Do you know that a person with a college degree can earn $25,000 more per year? [Wait!] That means over ten years, a degree can be worth more than $250,000 in extra earnings. In other words, I’m offering you the equivalent of maybe a quarter of a million dollars, right [use his name]? [Wait!]

Moreover, we both know that I’m not going to ask you for $10,000. So now, how much are you willing to pay for $250,000 in cash? [Wait!]

[If he says $3,400 or more] Well, [his name], I have a surprise for you. If you can invest just [the price he said minus $500] in your future for the program—for signing up right now, on this call—I’ll mark your account “Paid in Full.” It can’t get any better than that. Which is the easiest way for you to pay—cash, check, or credit card?

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