Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

President George W. Bush defended his executive order authorizing the National Security Agency to spy on Americans without a warrant; Bush said that he “absolutely” had the right to authorize the program, and that whoever leaked news of the program's existence had committed a “shameful act.”¹ Dick Cheney visited Iraq and informed American soldiers that he was not Jessica Simpson. He also watched as Iraqi soldiers holding imaginary guns practiced a vehicle sweep.² The Iraqi military announced that they had captured Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, but accidentally released him,³ and 24 top officials from the Hussein regime, including “Dr. Germ” and “Mrs. Anthrax,” were released from jail without charges.⁴ It was reported that agents from the Department of Homeland Security visited a college student in New Bedford, Massachusetts, soon after he requested a copy of “Mao's Little Red Book” through interlibrary loan—although many librarians felt the story might be a hoax.^{5 6} The Senate voted not to extend portions of the Patriot Act. “It is time,” said Senator Patrick Leahy, “to have some checks and balances in this country.”⁷ President Bush was forced to approve the McCain Amendment, which will ban “cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of terrorism detainees.”⁸ Leaked Pentagon documents showed that the U.S. military was routinely collecting intelligence on antiwar groups and putting it into a database. The Pentagon also launched 1-800-CALL-SPY, a hotline that allows U.S. citizens to report suspicious activity directly to the military.⁹ Columnist Doug Bandow resigned from his position as a Cato Institute Fellow after it was revealed that he had accepted money from lobbyist Jack Abramoff for writing between 12 and 24 newspaper columns favorable to Abramoff's clients. Peter Ferrara, a senior policy advisor at the Institute for Policy Innovation, said that he had also taken money from Abramoff to write op-ed pieces, but felt no remorse. “I do that all the time,” he explained.¹⁰ Senator Harry Reid said the current U.S. Congress was “the most corrupt in history.”¹¹ Iraq held parliamentary elections.¹²

Tookie Williams was executed in California,¹³ and 77-year-old John B. Nixon Sr. was executed in Mississippi. Nixon was the oldest person executed in the United States since the death penalty was reinstated.¹⁴ In Houston, Texas, a receptionist named Kristina Roberts was suing her boss, Jorge Garcia, for ejaculating on her as she worked. Garcia insists the ejaculation was consensual.¹⁵ Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said the Holocaust was a myth,¹⁶ and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had a stroke. Palestinians celebrated Sharon's stroke and leaders of Kahane, the ultra-nationalist Jewish group, called on members to pray for the Prime Minister's death.¹⁷ Evo Morales appeared to have won the presidency of Bolivia; he plans to legalize coca farming. Morales, who admires Fidel Castro, said that he wanted to maintain Bolivia's ties to the United States but did not want “a relationship of submission.”¹⁸ An Ohio man named Wayne Green was suing a police drug dog for illegal search. “They've got a mean ol' dog,” he explained. “You know what I'm saying?” The dog, Andi, signed with a paw print when served with the complaint.¹⁹ North of London, thieves used a crane to steal a two-ton Henry Moore sculpture, “Reclining Figure,” that was valued at more than $5 million; authorities fear the thieves may melt it down for scrap metal.²⁰ A Romanian shepherd found 80 human fetuses in a forest,²¹ and a passerby found 30 dog heads in a Tokyo moat.²²

Scientists decoded the mitochondrial DNA of the woolly mammoth and confirmed that the mammoth was more closely related to the Asian elephant than to the African elephant,²³ and researchers discovered that the lack of ice floes in the Arctic Ocean was causing polar bears to drown.²⁴ A Florida owl was found to be high on marijuana.²⁵ Forty Santas rampaged in Auckland, New Zealand,²⁶ a flasher dressed as Santa was on the loose in London,²⁷ and a man who works as a Santa at a New York Wal-Mart was arrested after he exposed himself to a 15-year-old boy and asked for oral sex.²⁸ For the second time this year, someone stole the life-sized Jesus from a nativity scene in Cincinnati, Ohio, although this time they left behind baby Jesus's leg.²⁹ Police in New Windsor, New York, destroyed a snow penis,³⁰ and a frog-shaped baby was born dead in Yemen.³¹ An increasing number of U.S. women were having their hymens reattached. “It's the ultimate gift,” said one woman who underwent the surgery, “for the man who has everything.”³² British scientists discovered that little girls like to torture their Barbie dolls by scalping, decapitating, burning, breaking, and microwaving them. “Girls,” explained a researcher, “feel violence and hatred towards their Barbie.”³³ EBay was selling 85 toys a minute.³⁴