Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

More than 170 people died in attacks in Iraq. They were: blown up at a Shiite shrine in Karbala; killed at a police recruiting center in Ramadi; and attacked with mortar, automatic weapons, and finally by a suicide bomber at a funeral near Baquba.^{1 2} Twelve U.S. soldiers were believed to have been killed when an Army helicopter crashed in northern Iraq,³ and a U.S. airstrike north of Baghdad, intended to destroy a shelter for insurgents, killed a civilian family of 12.⁴ The FAA took steps to lower the risk of space terrorism.⁵ A suicide bombing in Afghanistan killed ten people,⁶ a landslide in Java killed at least 14 people,⁷ and the 12 men trapped in a mine in West Virginia were reported alive; all but one of them, however, were actually found dead.⁸ Lobbyist Jack Abramoff pleaded guilty to conspiracy and fraud charges. The offices of thirty-six U.S. lawmakers, including Tom DeLay, Roy Blunt, Eric Cantor, and President George W. Bush announced that they would return money linked to Abramoff. “You can't have a corrupt lobbyist,” explained Newt Gingrich, “unless you have a corrupt member.” DeLay also insisted that he was an ethical person and announced that he would permanently step down as House Majority Leader.^{9 10} It was reported that Ariel Sharon's family had been given $3 million in bribes,¹¹ and British MP George Galloway announced that he would be appearing on the reality TV show “Big Brother.”¹² A policeman in Florida tasered a bear.¹³

In Oklahoma City an anti-gay activist Baptist pastor and member of the Southern Baptist Convention's executive committee was arrested after he propositioned a male undercover policeman for sex.¹⁴ Three Christian ministers claimed that they had sneaked into a Senate hearing room to anoint with oil the chairs used during Samuel Alito's Supreme Court confirmation.¹⁵ Lou Rawls died,¹⁶ as did Yao Wenyuan, the final surviving member of the Gang of Four,¹⁷ and Hugh Thompson Jr., who rescued Vietnamese civilians from U.S. G.I.s during the My Lai massacre.¹⁸ In San Francisco an air passenger was arrested for having the words “suicide bomber” in his journal; it turned out that the words referred to the name of a band or a song.¹⁹ Pet obesity was on the rise in Britain,²⁰ and it was reported that street vendors in Shanghai were secretly replacing mutton with cat meat.²¹ A man in Fort Sumner, New Mexico, caught a mouse and threw it into a pile of burning leaves; the mouse, on fire, ran back into the man's house, which then burned down.²² A woman in Vancouver, British Columbia, pleaded guilty to poisoning the trees in front of her condominium to improve her view of the ocean.²³

A 76-year-old performance artist was in trouble for chipping Marcel Duchamp's “Fountain,” a urinal valued at $3.6 million, with a hammer. In 1993 the same performance artist was arrested for urinating into the artwork.²⁴ Thirty-eight thousand people were dying each month in Congo, mostly from treatable diseases,²⁵ and Nigeria decided to halve its prison population by freeing prisoners with terminal illnesses.²⁶ A building collapsed in Mecca, killing 76 people.²⁷ The Hajj began,²⁸ and Ariel Sharon had another stroke. Pat Robertson blamed Sharon's poor health on God. Sharon later began to move his right hand,^{29 30 31} and oil rose to $64 a barrel.³² An earthquake struck Greece.³³ An Australian woman died after three sharks attacked her,³⁴ and a fuel truck in Boise, Idaho, ran into a jet.³⁵ It was reported that author James Frey's best-selling memoir was heavily fictionalized, and that author J.T. Leroy was being played in public by a woman named Savannah Knoop.^{36 37} An artist in California went to an abandoned mine shaft in a desert and bound his feet together with a long chain and a lock in order to sketch a self-portrait. He lost the key, however, and was forced to hop for 12 hours to get help.³⁸ The New Orleans puppy population was out of control.³⁹ Two teenagers in Turkey died of bird flu,⁴⁰ Dick Cheney was retaining fluids,⁴¹ and a 2,300-year-old Irish corpse was found to be wearing hair gel imported from France.⁴²