Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

It was revealed that the National Security Agency, with the assistance of AT&T, Verizon, and BellSouth, has secretly stored the phone call records of tens of millions of Americans. "It's the largest database ever assembled in the world" said an anonymous whistleblower. A poll found that 63 percent of Americans feel that it is acceptable for the NSA to build such a database.^{1 2 3} It was reported that the United States was analyzing phone call records of reporters from ABC News, the New York Times, and the Washington Post to determine the identities of CIA employees who leak information to the press. "It's time," a federal law enforcement official told a reporter for ABC News, "for you to get some new cell phones, quick."⁴ The FBI searched the home of former number-three CIA official Kyle "Dusty" Foggo; Foggo is under investigation for his relationship with defense contractors linked to the Randy "Duke" Cunningham bribery scandal.⁵ In Virginia a federal judge was considering whether the case brought by Khaled el-Masri against former CIA director George Tenet could proceed; el-Masri says he was abducted and beaten by the CIA, while the United States claims that allowing the case to move forward would expose state secrets and endanger the war on terrorism.⁶ A fight broke out in the lobby of Iraq's parliament building after a cell phone played a Shiite ringtone,⁷ and more than 30 people died in a series of bombings in Basra and around Baghdad.⁸ A car bomb killed 17 people in Talafar,⁹ and it was announced that five journalists had been killed so far this month in Iraq.¹⁰ The Red Cross criticized the United States for refusing access to prisoners in secret detention. "We know that some people, we don't know how many and we don't know where," said a Red Cross spokeswoman, "are held in places where we don't have access."¹¹ President George W. Bush proposed sending in the National Guard to patrol the Mexican border,¹² and the United States announced that it would renew full diplomatic relations with Libya.¹³ Zimbabwe was facing an acute tampon shortage.¹⁴

In South Korea stem-cell researcher Hwang Woo-suk was indicted for fraud, embezzlement, and violation of bioethics laws,¹⁵ and in Canada scientists confirmed that an odd-looking bear shot and killed in April was a "grolar" bear (half polar bear, half grizzly), thus exempting the hunter who shot the bear from paying a grizzly-killing fine.¹⁶ Scientists announced that the recently discovered species of Tanzanian monkey which utters distinctive honk barks is different enough from a mangabey to merit inclusion in its own, new genus, Rungwecebus.¹⁷ At a zoo in the Netherlands three bears ate a monkey. "The macaque," said an eyewitness, "was shrieking and resisting."¹⁸ Many species of bananas, said the United Nations, were in danger of extinction.¹⁹ In California a 1,500-pound sea lion was biting people,²⁰ and authorities in gas masks entered a residence to remove 98 guinea pigs, 84 cats, 27 dogs, 14 rabbits, three potbellied pigs, and one bird.²¹ Snoop Dogg was banned for life from the United Kingdom.²² A Baptist church in Britain was planning to wash cars with baptismal-font water.²³ The Air Force, under orders from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, was researching alternative fuels for its jets. "Energy," said an Air Force representative, "is a national security issue."²⁴ Scientists in Illinois said that they had refined a process that transforms pig manure into crude oil, and suggested that up to 3.6 gallons of crude oil could be generated daily per pig.²⁵ Gas in Venezuela was selling for $0.12 per gallon,²⁶ and a British inventor claimed to have created a car that gets 8,000 miles per gallon, improving on his previous record of 6,603 miles per gallon.²⁷ In Nigeria more than 150 people, some of them stealing fuel from a pipeline, died when the pipeline exploded. "By tomorrow," said a health commissioner, "we will dig a bigger ditch and bury them all."²⁸

In Lynchburg, Virginia, at Liberty University (which fines its students $500 if they engage in witchcraft), Senator John McCain (R., Ariz.) stood next to Jerry Falwell and spoke in support of the Iraq war.^{29 30} Army recruiters in Portland, Oregon, were under investigation for recruiting an autistic boy for a dangerous position in the cavalry scouts.³¹ The Israeli army announced that female soldiers must not lower the waistline of their pants or take in their shirts.³² A small plane carrying Senator Edward Kennedy (D., Mass.) landed safely after being struck by lightning,³³ and a model airplane crash in Hungary killed two people.³⁴ Bird flu appeared to have been eradicated in Thailand and Vietnam.³⁵ In south Texas 100 people had been diagnosed with Morgellons disease. "These people," said a nurse practitioner, "will have like beads of sweat but it's black, black and tarry." "It looked," said the mother of a Morgellons patient, "like a piece of spaghetti was sticking out about a quarter to an eighth of an inch long, and it was sticking out of his chest."³⁶ In Kenya, Thomas Cholmondeley, a British aristocrat, was arrested for shooting and killing a man who he believed was poaching on his 100,000-acre farm,³⁷ and in Florida an alligator that recently killed a jogger was caught with the jogger's arms in its stomach.³⁸ FEMA announced that it was ready for the Atlantic hurricane season, which starts June 1,³⁹ and a tornado struck Wizard of Oz Drive in Hillsboro, Ohio.⁴⁰ The International Atomic Energy Agency found evidence that Iran possesses highly enriched uranium,⁴¹ Saddam Hussein said that he was ready to die,⁴² and a woman in Moon Township, Pennsylvania, found a potato shaped like a heart. ⁴³ The United Nations said that 1,200 people were dying in Congo each day.⁴⁴ In Kenya pilgrims were traveling to Mombasa to see a miraculous tuna with a Koranic verse inscribed into its scales. "God," reads the tuna, "is the greatest of all providers."⁴⁵