Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

In Iraq over 66 people were killed in attacks, including two CBS News employees when their convoy was struck by a car bomb; a CBS correspondent was seriously injured in the same attack. In Baghdad two tennis players and their coach were killed for wearing shorts, and a Marine helicopter was shot down over the Anbar province.^{1 2 3 4 5} Soldiers were developing emotional relationships with their bomb-defusing robots. "Please fix Scooby Doo," said one soldier, "because he saved my life."⁶ Senator John Warner called for hearings into the killings of more than 20 civilians in Haditha by U.S. Marines in 2005,⁷ and it was reported that, since 2003, 8,600 British troops had gone AWOL in Iraq; 929 were still missing.⁸ Riots broke out in Afghanistan after a U.S. military truck went out of control and killed some civilians.⁹ Osama bin Laden released an audiotape in which he claimed that convicted terrorist conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui was not involved in the September 11 attacks. "Brother Moussaoui was arrested two weeks before the events," said bin Laden, "and if he had known something—even very little—about the September 11 group, we would have informed the leader of the operation, Mohamed Atta, and the others . . . to leave America before being discovered."¹⁰ British MP George Galloway said that an assassin would be "morally justified" in killing Prime Minister Tony Blair.¹¹ Seventy-five prisoners were on hunger strike at Guantánamo Bay prison, and a charity organization published a report claiming that 60 minors ages 14 and older have been held at the prison.^{12 13} President George W. Bush signed into law the Respect for America's Fallen Heroes Act, which limits protests at military funerals.¹⁴ In Ontario, Canada, a man was arrested ten minutes after stealing a hand-held vagina. "He had used it," said a constable.¹⁵

An earthquake in Indonesia killed more than 5,000 people,¹⁶ flooding in Thailand killed more than 100 people,¹⁷ and four Russian soldiers were killed in Chechnya.¹⁸ The government of Burma extended the house arrest of opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi for an unspecified amount of time.¹⁹ Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas called on the Hamas-led Palestinian Authority to accept the goal of establishing a Palestinian state (and thus acknowledge Israel's right to exist); if Hamas does not comply, he said that he will call a national referendum on the issue.²⁰ A gay-rights rally in Moscow turned violent when activists were attacked and beaten by anti-gay protesters. "Moscow," shouted the protesters, "is not Sodom!"²¹ In Germany, at the official opening of the Hauptbahnhof, the largest railway station in Europe, a man went on a rampage and stabbed 35 people. Because one of the first people he stabbed was HIV positive, concerns were raised that some of the subsequently stabbed may also become infected.²² A team of researchers in southern Cameroon said that they had found wild chimpanzees carrying the SIVcpz virus, thought to be the precursor to HIV.²³ In Washington, D.C., police searched the 50 acres of office space in the Rayburn House Office Building to find that the "gunfire" that precipitated a several hour lockdown was actually a pneumatic hammer.²⁴

Former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty of conspiracy and fraud,²⁵ and in San Diego a man named Lawrence Christopher Smith was sentenced to 84 years to life in prison for shooting and killing a man named Dom Perignon Champagne.²⁶ A Nebraska judge sentenced a man convicted of sexually assaulting a child to probation because the man is too short for prison.²⁷ The Supreme Court voted unanimously that police may enter a house without a warrant in order to break up a fight.²⁸ President Bush ordered that the documents seized by the FBI in a raid on the offices of Representative William Jefferson, a Louisiana Democrat, must be sealed for 45 days, so that Congress and the Justice Department can determine exactly how material seized from Congressional offices should be reviewed. The Justice Department denied reports that Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (who publicly criticized the FBI for raiding Jefferson's offices) was under investigation for his relationship with former lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Hastert said that the FBI was planting stories in the media to discredit him.^{29 30} Jack Kevorkian was very ill and reportedly had less than a year to live.³¹ In Australia, a psychiatrist named Stephen Allnutt testified that financier Brendan Francis McMahon had believed he was helping animals when he mutilated 17 rabbits and a guinea pig while under the influence of methamphetamine. "I wonder," McMahon reportedly said, "if I made a mistake because I never asked the rabbits?"³² Scientists in North Carolina said that they could grow new, functional rabbit penises,³³ and a jury in Illinois awarded a woman $5 million in compensation for her ruined vagina.³⁴ In Norway a grevling, or badger, wrecked a man's bedroom.³⁵ An analysis of FCC decisions found that the following terms or phrases are neither indecent nor profane: "a lot of crap," "ass is huge," "ass," "bitch," "damn," "dick," "dickhead," "fire his ass," "for Christ's sake," "hell," "kick-ass," "kiss my ass," "my ass," "pissed off," "poop," "sex with a dog," "singers that suck," "sit their asses down," "sucked," "up yours," "wiping his ass," and "you suck."³⁶ NASA scientists claimed that they could extract oxygen from lunar soil,³⁷ Pat Robertson claimed to have leg-pressed 2,000 pounds,³⁸ and Senator Bill Frist helped give a gorilla a root canal.³⁹ A study found that most British men are cry babies.⁴⁰ A Sherpa stood naked on the summit of Mount Everest.⁴¹