Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

In Iraq an Islamic militant group claimed that it had kidnapped two U.S. soldiers, 23-year-old Kristian Menchaca and 25-year-old Thomas L. Tucker. The Army sent 8,000 Iraqi and U.S. troops, supported by fighter jets and drones, to search for the missing soldiers,¹ and the Pentagon announced the 2,500th American death in Iraq. “It's a number,” said White House press secretary Tony Snow.² Iraqi prosecutors called for Saddam Hussein to be sentenced to death,³ and President George W. Bush visited Iraq because he wanted to “look at Prime Minister Maliki in the eyes.”⁴ It was reported that a man named Abu Hamza Al Muhajer would take over for Abu Mussab Al Zarqawi, the assassinated leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq. “He has left behind lions,” said Al Muhajer of Al Zarqawi, “that have been trained in his den.”⁵ The House passed a resolution that rejected “cutting and running” from Iraq,⁶ and Pennsylvania Representative John P. Murtha criticized Karl Rove for “sitting in his air-conditioned office on his big, fat backside saying, 'Stay the course.'”⁷ It was revealed that in 2003 the Bush Administration refused an offer by Iran to end Iranian support of Palestinian terror organizations and recognize Israel in exchange for an end to sanctions and permission to peacefully develop its nuclear program.⁸ President Bush approved new legislation that allows the FCC to fine broadcasters up to $325,000 for each indecency,⁹ and Marine Corporal Joshua Belile apologized for appearing in “Hadji Girl,” an Internet-distributed video in which he plays guitar and jokes about killing an Iraqi family. “They should have known,” he sang, “they were fuckin' with a Marine.”¹⁰ Former Army First Lieutenant William Calley was said to wander at night through Benning, Georgia, haunted by his memories of the My Lai massacre.¹¹ At least 52 United States agencies were mining data about U.S. citizens, searching for criminals, terrorists, and potential military recruits,¹² and the United States added the secret phone number for its Homeland Security hotline to the federal Do Not Call Registry. “Every time that phone rings,” said Delaware Governor Ruth Ann Minner, “it's telemarketers.”¹³ Analysts said that $2 trillion in wealth had been lost on the global stock market over the last month.¹⁴ Rome was troubled by seagulls and lice.^{15 16}

At the World Cup in Germany over 400 people were arrested for violence and drunkenness related to the Germany-Poland soccer match (which Germany won 1-0).¹⁷ In Thailand a man killed two soccer fans because he was annoyed by their cheering.¹⁸ Baboons in Saudi Arabia ruined a picnic.¹⁹ In Rangamati, Bangladesh, villagers fled in boats after their town was destroyed by rampaging elephants,²⁰ and in Thiruvananthapuram, India, the recently captured rogue elephant Master Killer died in a cage.²¹ Gay Episcopalian bishop Gene Robinson said that he is “not an abomination before God,”²² and scientists found that African-American adults hear better than white adults.²³ Vandals were emptying the water tanks that volunteers place in the Arizona desert; the volunteers maintain the tanks so that illegal immigrants from Mexico do not die from dehydration when crossing into the United States. ²⁴ Archaeologists said that ancient Mexicans wore decorative dentures made from wolves' teeth,²⁵ and Nestlé announced that it would buy weight loss firm Jenny Craig.²⁶ Bird flu was discovered in Prince Edward Island,²⁷ and the Lakeland, Florida, English swan population, which is descended from swans given to the city by the Queen of England in 1957, was being eaten by alligators at three times the normal rate.²⁸ Paul McCartney turned 64.²⁹

A mine in Sri Lanka blew up a bus, killing 58 people,³⁰ a minivan in Kandahar, Afghanistan, was bombed, killing ten people,³¹ and at least six people died during anti-government riots in Conakry, Guinea.³² Prince Victor Emmanuel, the son of Italy's last king, was arrested for allegedly helping guests at a casino to procure prostitutes,³³ and bBanana rustlers were on the loose in Australia.³⁴ The Israeli military absolved itself of responsibility for the deaths of seven members of the picnicking Ghalia family from explosions on a beach in Gaza. An Israeli committee admitted that Israeli forces fired six shells on and around the beach, but found that a mine planted by Hamas (or possibly a buried shell) had, by coincidence, exploded and killed the family at around the same time as the shelling. A former Pentagon battlefield analyst said that the shrapnel and craters he found at the scene of the explosion were consistent with shelling by Israelis, as were the wounds suffered by survivors.³⁵ It was reported that for two years China has deployed a fleet of Golden Champion “death vans” to allow rural communities to carry out lethal injections.³⁶ Kazakhstan launched a satellite into orbit.³⁷ President Bush designated 140,000 square miles encompassing several Hawaiian islands as a national monument and marine sanctuary.³⁸ Scientists found that the sea level in the Arctic Ocean was dropping, even as global sea levels rise.³⁹ Italian scientists said that they had developed a technique for isolating potent sperm.⁴⁰ Norway began to build a guarded, fenced-in concrete bunker intended to store three million seeds,⁴¹ and a Norwegian hen laid an egg twice normal size, then was killed to stop her suffering.⁴²