Weekly Review

By Rafil Kroll-Zaidi

Runaway Raft on the Tigris.

Palestinian militants conducted a raid in Israel and abducted an Israeli soldier, whom they carried to Gaza via a secret tunnel. Israel retaliated by bombing Gaza's main power plant, two bridges, the offices of Palestine's prime minister and interior minister, and a soccer field, and by arresting as many as 64 Palestinian officials. Palestinian militants demanded that Israel release all Palestinian prisoners who are women or under the age of 18. A number of Israeli and Palestinian officials speculated that Israel's actions were intended to weaken or topple Palestine's Hamas government.¹ In Iraq, where 14 U.S. soldiers died, bombings killed 62 people in a poor Shiite neighborhood in Baghdad, 17 people at a market in Hilla, and 18 people in Khairnabat.^{2 3 4 5 6} The bodies of seven men were discovered in the Tigris River south of Baghdad, and the bodies of two men were found in the Euphrates river south of Baghdad. All the bodies showed signs of torture. ^{7 8 9 10} Iraqi and U.S. authorities freed 495 prisoners,¹¹ and Iraq's national security adviser announced that the body of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi had been buried in “a marked but secret place.”¹² Saddam Hussein's eldest daughter and first wife were added to the Iraqi government's list of “most wanted” terrorist figures.¹³ Four U.S. soldiers in Iraq were being investigated for raping a woman, then killing her and three other members of her family; it was suggested that the accused may have spent up to a week planning the attack.¹⁴ It was reported that Iraqi insurgents have started using sophisticated armor-penetrating mines that propel jets of molten metal at military vehicles. ¹⁵ The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that President George W. Bush had overstepped his authority in establishing military tribunals for Guantánamo Bay detainees. “I'd like to close Guantánamo,” said Bush, “But . . . we're holding some people that are darn dangerous.”^{16 17} The President went jogging with a soldier who lost both his legs in Iraq,. ¹⁸ and Vice President Dick Cheney's heart was said to be functioning properly.¹⁹

Floods killed dozens of people in Romania, Pakistan, China, and the northeastern United States. ²⁰ A subway derailment near Jesus station in Valencia, Spain, killed 34 people.^{21 22 23 24} English soccer fans, said German breweries, were endangering the German beer supply.²⁵ In Britain the wives of soldiers serving in Iraq were receiving strange phone calls from Iraqi militants,²⁶ and it was announced that the Royal Family cost U.K. taxpayers about $68 million last year. “Our key aim,” said the Keeper of the Privy Purse, “is not to try and achieve a low-cost monarchy.”²⁷ A three-foot-long escaped porcupine named Twinkle was captured in Langwathby, England.²⁸ President Bush said that it was “disgraceful” for newspapers to report on a secret intelligence program to trace bank records,²⁹ and China announced that media outlets would be fined up to $12,500 if they reported on any “sudden events” without prior authorization.³⁰ The library of the University of the Incarnate Word in San Antonio, Texas, cancelled its subscription to the New York Times .³¹ In Florida thieves stole the 31-year-old remains of a 6-year-old boy,³² and a trailer park was under criticism for recruiting sexual predators. “Everybody,” said a coordinator of Habitat for Offenders, “deserves a second chance.”³³ Bruno the bear was shot and killed by German authorities, ending his seven-week rampage through Germany and Austria; Bruno, officially tagged Rampant Brown Bear JJ 1, had killed sheep and rabbits, stolen honey, eluded Finnish bear trackers and elkhounds, and squashed a guinea pig. “Sexual frustration,” said a German official, “may be a reason for the random killings.”³⁴ Rush Limbaugh was detained at an airport when authorities found Viagra in his luggage.^{35 36} A Vermont teenager was convicted of stealing the bowtie and eyeglasses from a corpse and cutting off its head to make a bong,³⁷ and in Nigeria a professor at Olabisi Onabanjo University was found dead behind Poopola Hospital in Ijebu-Igbo; Professor Oyedola is believed to have been killed by one of two warring campus cults--either the Eiye Confraternity or the Buccaneers.³⁸ In Rajasthan, India, a low-caste bridegroom on a horse was stoned by onlookers when a camel in his wedding procession ran amok,³⁹ and David Hasselhoff hit his head on a chandelier while shaving. ⁴⁰

It was revealed that Hillary Clinton's ancestors were English coal miners,⁴¹ and scientists in Borneo found a snake that can spontaneously change color from reddish-brown to white.⁴² In India an autopsy determined that the rogue elephant known as Master Killer died from multiple organ failure. “I had lost my two children,” said the elephant's distraught trainer. “But when I discovered this naughty tusker . . . I thought, 'Here's a newborn that will help me forget my own loss.'”⁴³ Australian scientists studying the use of dingo urine as a kangaroo repellent found that the urine startles kangaroos.⁴⁴ Engineers at the Tokyo Institute of Technology announced the creation of a machine that can record and reproduce smells. “We can tell a green apple from a red apple,” said TIT scientist Pambuk Somboon.⁴⁵ A study showed that rich people get more sleep than poor people, white people get more sleep than black people, and women get more sleep than men,⁴⁶ and another study found that money does not buy very much happiness.⁴⁷ A gang of marauding transvestite thieves was terrorizing New Orleans businesses,⁴⁸ and sScientists were trying to create tomatoes containing an HIV vaccine.⁴⁹ It was revealed that a Minnesota Timberwolves basketball player crashed his SUV into a parked car because he was drunk and masturbating to porn.⁵⁰ A man who killed himself in Eureka, Montana, also killed a 16-year-old girl when a bullet traveled through his head and struck the girl in the chest,⁵¹ Vladimir Putin kissed a boy on the stomach,⁵² and a prison inmate in Pakistan awoke to discover a lightbulb in his anus, which surgeons removed several days later. “Thanks Allah,” said the man. “Now I feel comfort.”⁵³