Weekly Review

By Theodore Ross

Killing Ground.

Israel insisted it had no immediate plans for a large-scale ground invasion of Lebanon, although it seized two Lebanese towns, called up 10,000 troops to the border, and called thousands of reservists to active duty. Almost 400 people (362 Lebanese, 37 Israelis) have been killed so far in the conflict. European governments debated the proportionality of these deaths, and Syrian president Bashar Assad told the international community to stop procrastinating and broker a ceasefire.¹ President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran predicted that Israel had “pushed the button of its own destruction.”^{2 3 4 5 6 7 8} Ehud Olmert, prime minister of Israel, said Hezbollah's war on Israel was a ruse to divert attention from Iran's nuclear weapons program. Kayhan, an Iranian news daily, replied that it only “wish[ed] Israel's lies were true.”⁹ One thousand Americans were evacuated from Beirut aboard a 38-year-old cruise ship named the Orient Queen.^{10 11} A 950-foot luxury sea liner unexpectedly listed off Port Canaveral, Florida,. ¹² and a tractor-trailer carrying a Tomahawk missile overturned in New York City.¹³ Fifty-three Iraqis died when a car bomb exploded in the Shiite city of Kufa, and 48 lost their lives to Sunni Arab gunmen in Mahmudiya.¹⁴ Violence was forcing Shiite-owned bakeries in Baghdad's Sunni neighborhoods to close their doors,¹⁵ and Saddam Hussein was being force-fed through a tube.^{16 17} Ethiopia denied reports that it had attacked Somalia,¹⁸ and Somalia declared an “all out holy war” on Ethiopia.¹⁹ India was gagging blogs.²⁰ The president of Vietnam told reporters to “stick to their principles” and to “do their utmost in the fight against wrong-doing and crime.”²¹ The Chinese government announced that it would begin issuing identity numbers to fresh vegetables.²²

U.S. Representative Phil Gingrey of Georgia claimed that God supported a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages. “I think,” he said, “God has spoken very clearly on this issue.” “It's part of God's plan,” said Texas Congressman John Carter, “for the future of mankind.” “We best not,” said Colorado Representative Bob Beauprez, “be messing with His plan.”²³ President George W. Bush issued his first executive veto, striking down a bill that would have expanded federal research involving embryonic stem cells.²⁴ Prosecuting attorneys in California and New York were trying to limit “gay panic” defenses in criminal trials, ²⁵ advisers at federally funded “pregnancy resource centers” were telling women that abortions increase the risk of cancer, infertility, and mental illness,²⁶ and a doctor and two nurses at the Memorial Medical Center in New Orleans were charged with the murder of four patients during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.²⁷ Hillary Clinton warned that advertisers may attempt to place mind-controlling computer chips in the brains of children.²⁸ Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales testified to the Senate that President Bush personally blocked an investigation of the administration's warrantless eavesdropping program,²⁹ and the National Enquirer admitted that Britney Spears's marriage was stable, despite reports to the contrary.³⁰ Scientists learned that Britain's wealthy neighborhoods may cause cancer in children,³¹ and that one third of the country's river fish are undergoing sex changes.³² Scientists in Austria recommended that men sleep alone to better safeguard their brainpower. ³³

The United States and Russia agreed to set quotas for how many polar bears they would kill each year,³⁴ and British stage actor Frank Harrison, 70, was fined $919 for lightly spanking an actress. “All pretty little girls,” said Harrison, “deserve to be spanked once a day.”³⁵ Research revealed that giant thermonuclear explosions detected in the constellation Ophiuchus were caused by a Red Giant star dumping gas onto a White Dwarf star,³⁶ and that Canadian high-rise hotels may be to blame for a 200 percent increase in mist levels at Niagara Falls.³⁷ The United States agreed to buy a 29-foot-tall cross located on a hilltop in San Diego,³⁸ sheriff's deputies in Arizona stumbled upon 100 Mexican immigrants wandering in the desert west of Phoenix,³⁹ and a study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania discovered a positive correlation between education and sunburn.⁴⁰ A taxidermist from Lake County, Florida, was arrested after urinating on $500 worth of frozen food,⁴¹ and thieves stole a 14-foot inflatable sheep from a store in Rochester, Minnesota.⁴² Wolf-dogs attacked and killed a woman in Greensburg, Pennsylvania. ⁴³