Weekly Review

By Miriam Markowitz

The Cloaca Maxima, 1872

The 110th Congress convened on Capitol Hill, and Representative Nancy Pelosi of California kicked off her tenure as America's first female speaker of the House with four days of parties dubbed “Pelosi-Palooza.” The festivities included a performance by singer Tony Bennett and an honorary street-naming in Pelosi's hometown of Baltimore. Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia disrupted the Congress's opening prayer with shouts of “Yes, Lord!” and “Mmmhmmm!” and Senator Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts mimed tipping a bottle to his mouth. Congress's first Muslim member took his oath on a Koran once owned by Thomas Jefferson, and a Buddhist representative swore in on no book at all.^{1 2 3 4} The inauguration of Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York was celebrated with a twelve-liter bottle of Veuve Clicquot that required a wrench to uncork and bloodied the hand of its opener,⁵ and concerns about terrorism prompted Governor Jim Gibbons of Nevada to take his oath shortly after midnight on New Year's despite the admitted absence of any known threat. ⁶ Former President George Herbert Walker Bush imitated the comedian Dana Carvey imitating himself at a service for the late President Gerald Ford. ⁷ Newly released FBI files revealed that the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist checked into a hospital for sedative dependency in 1981. During his rehabilitation, Rehnquist spoke of “a CIA plot against him” and tried to escape from the hospital clad in his pajamas. ⁸ After two centuries without Congressional representation, it appeared that residents of Washington, D.C. might get a vote.⁹

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki announced that he would not be seeking a second term. “I didn't want to take this position,” said al-Maliki. “I wish it could be done with even before the end of this term.” ¹⁰ Grandmothers gathered in Times Square to hold a vigil for the 3,000 U.S. soldiers who have died in Iraq,. ¹¹ and the Army apologized for sending letters to officers killed in action urging them to reenlist.¹² Iraqi security guards were arrested for taking illegal cell phone footage of Shiite officials taunting Saddam Hussein before he was hanged. President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt called images of the execution “revolting and barbaric,” and Libya announced its intention to erect a statue of Hussein on the gallows. Master Sgt. Robert Ellis, a senior medical adviser responsible for Hussein's care in Baghdad, praised the stoicism displayed by Hussein. “Saddam,” he said, “was gangsta.” A Texas 10-year-old who had seen video footage of the execution died after hanging himself from his bunk bed.^{13 14 15 16}

Armenian politicians were accused of buying votes with potatoes,¹⁷ and King Abdullah II of Jordan complained that odors from an Israeli livestock facility were wafting into his palace on the Red Sea.¹⁸ Scientists were performing experiments to turn gay sheep straight.¹⁹ A two-faced calf was born on a farm in Virginia. “Genetically, this is one of my better calves,” said its owner.²⁰ The FDA approved Slentrol, a weight loss drug for dogs.²¹ Local police claimed ownership of a rare meteorite that crashed through the roof of a New Jersey family's house, ²² and United Airlines employees claimed to have seen a saucer-like object hovering over O'Hare Airport last fall.²³ A woman watching New Year's fireworks in Florida avoided serious injury when a shot fired into the air glanced off the golden strap of her “very cheap” brassiere.²⁴ In Jonesboro, Arkansas, a kindergartener brought a gun to school;²⁵ in Sydney, Australia, feuding families armed with knives, baseball bats, metal poles, planks, branches, cricket bats, pick handles, screwdrivers, golf clubs, curtain rods and glass bottles rumbled;²⁶ and in Houston, Texas, the lawyer for a teenager whose forehead contains a subpoenaed 9mm bullet said that his client would allow the bullet to be removed as long as he is not charged with capital murder.²⁷ Shooting threatened to replace golf as U.K. executives' social networking sport of choice.²⁸ A study found that American workers were receiving the “silent treatment” from angry bosses, ²⁹ and the nation of Qatar appeared to have been blocked from editing Wikipedia.³⁰ A British man died of a heart attack when ambulance crews could not be dispatched because they were on an E.U.-mandated lunch break,³¹ and a lawyer representing a French prisoner who ripped out and ate the lung of a fellow inmate said his client had been denied a request for isolation.³² In New York City, a veteran saved a teenager from an oncoming subway train by throwing himself over the boy's body and keeping still as two cars passed inches above their heads. Mayor Michael Bloomberg presented the vet with a medal for civic achievement and one year of free bus and subway rides.³³ Seattle parents defended their decision to stunt the growth of their brain-impaired 9-year-old daughter,³⁴ a man shot a thousand-pound wild hog in suburban Atlanta,³⁵ and it was reported that an 80-year-old great-grandmother in Kentucky had killed her first deer on a hunt in November. “Ka-powie!” said the woman. “Don't stop doing things 'til you're in the grave!”³⁶