Weekly Review

By Chantal Clarke

Colombian military commandos infiltrated a settlement operated by the guerilla group FARC and freed 15 hostages, among them three U.S. contractors and the Colombian-French politician Ingrid Betancourt. President George W. Bush called Colombian President Alvaro Uribe to congratulate him. “What a joyous occasion it must be to know that the plan had worked,” said Bush. “That people who were unjustly held were now free to be with their families.”¹ A federal appeals court ruled that evidence against Hozaifa Parhat, a Chinese Muslim held at Guantanamo Bay for six years, consisted of nothing more than the reassertion of his guilt in three top-secret documents. “Lewis Carroll notwithstanding,” wrote one judge, quoting “The Hunting of the Snark,” “the fact the government has 'said it thrice' does not make the allegation true.”² Former inmates of Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison were suing contractors in four American states for subjecting them to electrical shocks, mock executions, and forced nudity, and the Iraqi government announced that the United States had agreed to strip private security contractors of their legal immunity, though the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad refused to confirm the statement.^{3 4} A survey found that Americans feared terrorist attacks less than at any point since September 11, 2001,⁵ and President Bush removed Nelson Mandela from the terrorism watchlist.⁶ A poll revealed that a third of Welsh college students believe that a flirtatious or drunk woman is to blame for being raped, and a survey of the National Assembly for Wales found that 3 of the 8 legislators who responded had been raped but had not reported the crime.⁷ In Australia, where inflation is at a 16-year-high, Treasury Secretary Ken Henry left his post to look after 115 endangered hairy-nosed wombats for five weeks. “I think,” said an opposition politician, “we all love the hairy-nosed wombat.” ⁸

Bozo the Clown and Jesse Helms died, and the new waxwork Hitler at the Berlin Madame Tussauds museum was beheaded.^{9 10 11} Fifteen boys were killed and 90 hospitalized in Eastern Cape, South Africa, due to botched circumcisions,¹² Ottawa firefighters sprayed children with E. coli-contaminated water to celebrate Canada Day,¹³ and a Dublin, Ohio, man was arrested again for using Saran Wrap to collect and drink little boys' urine.¹⁴ Google co-founder Sergey Brin explained that he had decided to raise his company's on-site daycare fee to $57,000 a year because he was tired of employees who felt entitled to free “bottled water and M&Ms” (although a spokesman denied that he had said this),¹⁵ and a judge ruled that Google subsidiary YouTube must provide Viacom, which is suing over copyright claims, with details of the viewing habits of everyone who has logged in and watched a video.¹⁶ Psychologist Himanshu Tyagi claimed that children raised to use online social networking sites will “put less value on their real world identities” and may be in danger of “impulsive behaviour or even suicide.” ¹⁷ British studies warned that eating junk food during pregnancy might cause lasting damage to the child, and that eating too much tofu could lead to dementia.^{18 19} Researchers at Texas A&M's Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center found that watermelons have a “Viagra-like effect,” but a researcher in Oklahama pointed out that this benefit may be offset by the melon's diuretic properties.²⁰

The Dow Jones Industrial Average officially entered a bear market. The cost of oil surged, and shares of General Motors fell to their lowest price since 1954.²¹ Speeding drivers in Holly Springs, Georgia, were paying police a fuel surcharge to cover the price of their pursuit,²² a Kentucky woman was arrested after trading sex for a $100 Speedway gas card,²³ and Nevada brothels were offering customers “double your stimulus” incentives that included $100 gas cards.²⁴ The United Nations brought female excrement carriers from India to New York City to appear on the catwalk alongside top models at a fashion show, crowning one woman the princess of sanitation workers. “This is the dream coming true of Indian independence hero Gandhi-ji,” said an organizer.²⁵ An unemployed former trucking company owner posing as a federal agent was under investigation after he worked with local police to search homes and make methamphetamine arrests in a Missouri town,²⁶ and a fake priest was caught trying to take confessions in St. Peter's Basilica.²⁷ It was reported that a stone tablet inscribed decades before the birth of Jesus described a messiah who would come back to life after three days. “What happens in the New Testament,” said Bible scholar Israel Knohl, “was adopted by Jesus and his followers based on an earlier messiah story.”²⁸ The George Washington Foundation unearthed the founding father's childhood home in Fredericksburg, Virginia, uncovering slave quarters and a Civil War trench but no cherry tree. “I don't think we'll ever find the cherry tree,” an archaeologist said.²⁹ Mercury was shrinking,³⁰ and Earth, said scientists who study radio waves, is shrieking.³¹