Weekly Review

By Claire Gutierrez

An American cattleman.

The U.S. Senate and House of Representatives passed the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008. The legislation, which originated as a three-page proposal by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and grew to 451 pages after House and Senate negotiations, established the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP) to grant the Secretary of the Treasury up to $700 billion to buy troubled assets owned by financial institutions, to allow the Treasury to limit executive compensation and “golden parachutes” at those institutions, and to establish an oversight board to monitor the Treasury. The act also provides wooden arrow manufacturers an exemption from excise tax. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi rushed the legislation to President George W. Bush, who signed it and promised that the United States would maintain “a leading role in the global economy.” “If I were dictator,” said Senator John McCain, who voted for the act, “which I always aspire to be, I would write it a little bit differently.” McCain also suggested the act be vetoed because it included so much pork. “No matter what the stakes are,” he said, “you've got to stop this.”^{1 2 3 4 5} California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger emailed Paulson to say that he may need a $7 billion loan for the state,⁶ and in Akron, Ohio, a 90-year-old woman named Adele Polk shot herself in the chest as police tried to evict her from her foreclosed home. “I saw that blood,” said a neighbor, “and I said, 'Oh, no. Miss Polk musta done shot herself.'” Responding to public outcry, Fannie Mae forgave Polk's mortgage, which will allow her to return home if she recovers from her wounds.⁷ After the bailout was signed into law, the Dow Jones Industrial Average fell below 10,000 for the first time in five years. “Today,” said an income strategist, “is watching the sky fall.”⁸

Employment decreased for the ninth consecutive month, with the U.S. economy losing 159,000 jobs in September;⁹ between April and July, nearly one million people enrolled in the federal food-stamp program.¹⁰ Newt Gingrich, the former speaker of the House, suggested the United States solve its economic crisis by creating a website where people could post their ideas,¹¹ and vice-presidential candidates Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin debated in St. Louis. Commentators noted that during the debate Palin was successful in repeating Republican talking points, despite having appeared incoherent and ignorant of the basic principles of American government during interviews earlier in the week. “Oh, man,” said Palin, “it's so obvious I'm a Washington outsider, and someone just not used to the way you guys operate.”¹² NASA discovered that snow falls on Mars.¹³ Russian billionaire Alexander Lebedev and former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev teamed up to form a new political party that will promote democracy,¹⁴ and in Brazil, where politicians often adopt new names for elections, six candidates had taken the name Barack Obama. Other candidates called themselves Cattle Ana, Jeep Johnny, Big Charlie Knives, Jorge Bushi, Chico Bin Laden, DJ Saddam, King of the Cuckolds, and Kung Fu Fatty.¹⁵

One hundred sixty-eight people were killed in a stampede when someone screamed “There's a bomb!” at a crowded religious celebration in Jodhpur, India,¹⁶ and a Baghdad suicide bomber killed 14 people who had been celebrating the end of Ramadan. “Nobody expects anything like this,” said Jamal Tawfiq, a 28-year-old Iraqi who gathered body parts in a plastic bag.¹⁷ Mr. Clean died.¹⁸ The U.S. State Department issued a security alert warning Americans to avoid visiting Bulgarian strip clubs;¹⁹ geneticists determined that the AIDS virus is about a century old;²⁰ and Mexican police recovered the stolen “condom mobile,” a truck used to promote the government's HIV-AIDS awareness program. Thieves made off with the vehicle's sound system, 5,000 condoms, and a motor used to inflate a 23-foot-long condom balloon. ²¹ Archaeologists unearthed a ceramic cup that may bear the first-ever written reference to Jesus: “Christ the magician.”²² Parents were taking advantage of Nebraska's new safe-haven law—enacted in July to prevent “Dumpster babies” but also protecting children as old as eighteen—to get rid of unruly teenagers. “The appropriate response is to reach out to family, friends, and community resources,” said Todd Landry, the state director of children and family services. “What is not appropriate is just to say, 'I’m tired of dealing with this,' and drop the child off at a hospital.”²³ A seven-year-old boy broke into an Australian zoo, used a rock to bludgeon to death several lizards, and fed them and many still-living reptiles to Terry, the zoo's crocodile. “By all accounts,” said the zoo's director, “he's quite a nasty seven-year-old.”²⁴