Beds are burning

operator christine richards: You’re speaking to Christine. How can I help?

neville badger: I’m on fire now. I tried to burn it to get it out of the way, and it’s all on fire—

richards: I’ll call the fire brigade for you.

badger: The bed’s going up and everything. I’m not joking. [Groans.] Fucking hell. I would hurry up if I were you.

richards: The fire brigade has been called, Mr. Badger. They’re on their way. Try to get as far away from the fire as possible.

badger: It’s a bloody fire, and I’m in spasm. I can’t get—I’m not kidding. I’m being serious. Oh my God, here we go, it’s out of control. [Smoke alarm activates.] Bloody hell! Well, we’re proper on fire now. Oh dear me. Can’t see a bloody thing in here, it’s filled with smoke.

richards: The fire brigade should be there shortly.

badger: I don’t want to panic anyone.

richards: No, we’ve done all we can.

badger: I’m on fire, my legs are burning. They better hurry up. Oh for fuck’s sake! [Shouts and groans.] I wish they’d hurry up. [Groans.] Are they close? Ah! On bloody fire all right. Oh, going up! Can you just hurry up? We’re literally on fire now. [Shouts.] Quick!

richards: Can you try to move up the bed?

badger: I can’t get up from the bed! Ah!

richards: They will be with you very shortly.

badger: I’m on bloody fire here! I’m actually on fire! Get them here quick!

richards: Mr. Badger, they will be with you in seconds. Try not to panic.

badger: I’m on fire. The bed’s hot.

richards: I know. I can hear. Save your energy. They must be outside right now. [Voice shouting, “Where are you?”] That’s them.

fireman: Okay, mate. We’re here. Don’t worry. How is everything?