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A papyrologist at Oxford University announced that new techniques in spectral imaging, which make it possible to decipher previously illegible ink on papyrus fragments, have yielded parts of a lost tragedy by Sophocles, a novel by Lucian, and an epic poem by Archilochos; researchers also applied the technique to third- and fourth-century manuscripts of the Revelation of Saint John and discovered that the number of the beast, contrary to popular belief, is 616, the area code of Grand Rapids, Michigan.National PostA Washington woman found a snake with legs,Tri-City Heraldlocusts plagued Bangladesh,NZHeraldand Zimbabwe was at risk of famine.ABC News OnlineMore than 100,000 Americans were working at home answering customer-service phone calls.Seattle Post-IntelligencerIn Iraq, two F/A-18 Hornet jets collided in mid-air,The Washington Posta suicide bomber killed sixty people at a police-recruitment center,BBC Newsand at least forty-seven people were killed in bombings and gun attacks.BBC NewsFourteen bodies, clad in white robes, were found in shallow graves,BBC Newsand Saddam Hussein’s nephew was arrested.BBC NewsPresident George W. Bush announced the capture of a “major facilitator and chief planner for the Al Qaeda network.” The captured man turned out to be a mid-level Al Qaeda operative named Abu Faraj al-Libbi. “He used to make the coffee and do the photocopying,” said a former associate.Times OnlineNevadaSenator Harry Reid said Bush was a loser,The Washington Postwhile VirginiaRepresentative Jim Moran described Bush as someone who does not read books, who surrounds himself with sycophants, and who has his ass kissed by Dick Cheney.The Raw Story
A second case of polio was reported in Indonesia,BBC Newsand an outbreak of meningitis in India killed fifteen.BBC NewsIn Peru a bus fell nearly 1,000 feet into a ravine, killing forty.BBC NewsA Providence, Rhode Island, man attacked a goose and stomped its goslings to death,TurnTo10.comand two swans were stabbed to death in the Bronx.NY1.comVietnam decided to vaccinate 600,000 birds for avian flu.New ScientistTurkey banned four porn channels from its satellite TV network,ReutersTexas lawmakers were trying to stop sexy cheerleading,Reutersand Norway declared striptease an art form.ReutersA study showed that babies have favorite colors, and they like brown the least. “Brown might mean dirt,” said a researcher.BBC NewsIBM announced that it would fire up to 13,000 employees in Europe and the United States.Ployer.comIt was the 60th anniversary of VE Day. The German ambassador to London called on Britain to change its attitude towards Germany. “They continue to see us as Nazis,” he said, “as if they have to refight the battles every evening.”The IndependentAround three thousand neo-Nazis rallied in Berlin.Knight-RidderPresident Bush attended a display of Soviet pageantry in Russia.New York Timesimes.comAn online casino bought the pope’s old Volkswagen for $244,800,Reutersand in Chicago a vandal painted the words “big lie” over a stain on a roadside wall that many people believe is an apparition of the Virgin Mary; onlookers wept as a road crew covered the stain with brown paint.Reuters
The Department of Homeland Security announced that it had wasted a great deal of money and needed much more.Boston.comU.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that most of the allegations of abuse by detainees in Iraq, Afghanistan, and GuantĂˇnamo Bay do not meet his definition of torture.MYSA.com/APThe United States was sending prisoners to Uzbekistan so that they could be tortured more fully. In Uzbekistan the most common torture techniques are beating and asphyxiation with a gas mask; however, victims can also have their genitals shocked, their toenails plucked out, and they can be boiled to death.The Seattle TimesIt was revealed that soon after September 11, 2001, the CIA sent a team of agents to Afghanistan with orders to “capture Bin Laden, kill him, and bring his head back in a box.”BBC NewsSpain gave 700,000 illegal immigrants amnesty,ISNand Faure Gnassingbe, the son of the former president of Togo, was named president of Togo. Eighteen thousand five hundred people have fled Togo as a result of election violence.ReutersA secret British memo from July 2002, summarizing a meeting between Tony Blair and his security advisors, was made public. The memo implied that President Bush had already made up his mind to go to war in Iraq, despite his claims to the contrary, and that intelligence and facts about Iraq would be “fixed around the policy.”Common DreamsEighty-eight members of Congress signed a letter, written by Representative John Conyers of Michigan, calling for an inquiry into the memo. “This should not,” wrote Conyers, “be allowed to fall down the memory hole during wall-to-wall coverage of the Michael Jackson trial and a runaway bride.”The Raw StoryIt was revealed that the runaway bride had once shoplifted.Boston HeraldTwo grenades went off outside the British consulate in New York City, damaging a flower planter,Bloombergand Tony Blair won another term as Prime Minister.ReutersEngland’s Prince Harry entered the Army.BBC NewsThe Mayor of Spokane, Washington, an opponent of gay rights, was accused of being a pedophile; he insisted that he cruised the Internet only for men of legal age.Seattle Post-IntelligencerAve Maria University, a Catholic college founded by the retired CEO of Domino’s Pizza, graduated its first class and gave an honorary degree to L. Paul Bremer, who told the assembled graduates that Muslim extremists were against the separation of church and state. Netscape NewsA Baptist church in North Carolina booted out nine of its members for being Democrats,The News & Observerand a seventeen-year-old woman was thrown out of her village in India after her stomach swelled up; villagers believed she was carrying the “devil’s child,” but the swelling turned out to be a 33-pound tumor the size of five fetuses.News24.comThe Kansas state school board began four days of hearings on how to teach the origin of life; all of the witnesses in the hearing were opposed to teaching evolution.BBC NewsTwelve new moons were discovered orbiting Saturn.BBC NewsIn Victoria, British Columbia, a man was barred from a civic meeting because he was dressed as a giant piece of feces named “Mr. Floatie,”Canada.comand in San Francisco, twelve penguins died of chlamydia.APThe FDA announced that men who have had gay sex in the last five years will not be eligible to donate sperm anonymously,CNNand a college student in New Jersey unearthed an 1888 interview with Walt Whitman in which Whitman gave advice to young men pursuing a career in literature. “First, don’t write poetry,” he said. “Second ditto; third ditto.”ABC News
More from Paul Ford:
Chance that an American would give up at least one week of life to avoid taking a pill every day:
Iowa urologists reported that only a minor portion of locker-room teasing arises from â€śthe presence of excess foreskinâ€ť; most teasing targets small penises.
A pair of Russian film directors asked President Vladimir Putin to invest $18 million in a new restaurant chain intended to drive McDonaldâ€™s out of the Russian market. â€śEvery project these days,â€ť a Russian television personality said of the proposal, â€śmust be smothered in patriotic sauce.â€ť
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â€śShelby is waiting for something. He himself does not know what it is. When it comes he will either go back into the world from which he came, or sink out of sight in the morass of alcoholism or despair that has engulfed other vagrants.â€ť