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The Iraqi Defense Ministry announced that on average one person per hour was being killed in Basra.The Register-GuardIn Baghdad, 19 people were killed in attacks, including four U.S. soldiers, and a tae kwon do team was kidnapped.BBC NewsGayIraqis were fleeing the country to avoid being killed by militias.Times OnlineAmerican troops were using lasers to “dazzle” Iraqi drivers who do not stop at checkpoints; if used properly, said a Pentagon spokesman, the laser light will not blind its target.Local6.comThe Nepal House of Representatives declared the King of Nepal to be powerless,The Washington Timesand King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia asked newspapers to refrain from publishing pictures of women.AP via MyWay.comPlague was found at a campground in Utah.FindlawA 4.3-million-square-foot mall opened in the Philippines,AP via Yahoo! Newsand thousands of people protested against affirmative action in New Delhi.MediaCorp NewsFidel Castro denied that he had a fortune worth $900 million. “Why would I want money,” he asked, “especially now that I’m going to be 80 years old?” His doctor said that Castro was in excellent health and could live another 60 years.The IndependentBreitbart.comIn Louth, England, a group of youths kicked a pet rabbit to death.LouthTodayWhite House Press Secretary Tony Snow said that he would prefer not to hug a tar baby.The White House
While acknowledging that Khaled al-Masri “deserves a remedy” for allegedly being tortured by the CIA, a federal judge dismissed al-Masri’s case because allowing it to proceed would expose government secrets.The Washington PostThere was a riot at Guantánamo Bay.The Toronto StarA study found that only one in four United States teenagers knows the names of all four broadcast TV networks,Advertising Ageand another study found that one out of every 136 Americans was incarcerated.The ScotsmanA kennel was ordered closed in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, after a cockapoo was found with yeast in both of its ears.Lancaster OnlineAt least 18 people fell ill in Dallas after eating tainted muffins.UPIA man with no legs climbed to the summit of Mt. Everest,The Independentand the mayor of Scottsdale, Arizona, was offended by a new restaurant called the Pink Taco.Local6.comIn Santa Ana, California, a homeless man was arrested after he told five boys he would cast them in a television commercial, then licked their feet.CBS NewsA camel ran amok on the Trans-Israeli Highway,YNetNews.comand a rogue elephant was on the loose in Rwanda.IOL.co.zaIn Alaska an elephant named Maggie was refusing to use her $100,000treadmill.Seattle Post-IntelligencerThe Hershey Company opened a new health center to study the benefits of cocoa,The Gourmet Retailerand Ray Nagin was re-elected mayor of New Orleans.The New York TimesA British-Ugandan team of scientists said that the glaciers of the Rwenzori Mountains in East Africa, which the Greek geographer Ptolemy called “the mountains of the moon,” could melt within the next two decades.BBC News
Scottish scientist Klaus Zuberbuhler found that Nigerian putty-nosed male monkeys say “pyow” to warn of leopards and “hack” to warn of eagles. “Pyow,” said a monkey. “Hack hack pyow hack hack.”MSNBCA patent was filed for a Pentagon-funded “controllable launcher for propelling a payload” that can shoot SWAT teams onto the roofs of tall buildings.The RegisterA Honduran teenager who stole an anti-immigration protest sign in New York was facing deportation,Breitbart.comand the Senate passed a bill that would make English the national language.The SenateIt was revealed that in 2004 a group of Republican lawmakers wrote letters to the IRS calling for a probe of the NAACP.Guardian UnlimitedFox News commentator Bill O’Reilly warned that “many far-left thinkers believe the white power structure that controls America is bad.”Media MattersIran, despite reports to the contrary, was not making non-Muslims wear badges.The National PostAbout 2,000 gallons of Sunny D concentrate leaked into a river in England, killing fish and turning the water bright yellow.Daily MailA South Africanice cream company sprayed a ton of ammonia gas into the atmosphere, sending 100 schoolchildren to the hospital; afterwards, the company held an assembly for some of the children and gave them free ice cream. “They’ve been reading words like ‘toxic’ and ‘poisonous’ and obviously got quite a fright,” said an engineer. “We want to enlighten them about how ammonia can be used constructively.”Iol.co.zaFinnish horror rock group Lordi (whose most recent album is “The Arockalypse”) won the Eurovision Song Contest,BBC Newsand President George W. Bush promised to uphold “the tradition of the melting pot.”The White HouseScientists in Germany said that apes can plan ahead.AP via Breitbart.com
More from Paul Ford:
Years of consideration preceding the inclusion of the word “phat” in Random House’s 1996 Compact Unabridged Dictionary:
Scientists created crash helmets that stink when cracked and fruit flies to whom blue light smells delicious.
In Belize, a construction company bulldozed a 2,300-year-old Mayan temple to make road fill.
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â€śThis is the heart of the magic factory, the place where medicine is infused with the miracles of science, and Iâ€™ve come to see how itâ€™s done.â€ť