Weekly Review — May 30, 2006, 12:00 am

Weekly Review

[Image: Monkey Laocoon, 1875]

In Iraq over 66 people were killed in attacks, including two CBS News employees when their convoy was struck by a car bomb; a CBS correspondent was seriously injured in the same attack. In Baghdad two tennis players and their coach were killed for wearing shorts, and a Marine helicopter was shot down over the Anbar province.ABC NewsAP via Forbes.comABC NewsABC NewsABC NewsSoldiers were developing emotional relationships with their bomb-defusing robots. “Please fix Scooby Doo,” said one soldier, “because he saved my life.”MSNBCSenator John Warner called for hearings into the killings of more than 20 civilians in Haditha by U.S. Marines in 2005,The Australianand it was reported that, since 2003, 8,600 British troops had gone AWOL in Iraq; 929 were still missing.Daily MailRiots broke out in Afghanistan after a U.S. military truck went out of control and killed some civilians.The Washington PostOsama bin Laden released an audiotape in which he claimed that convicted terrorist conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui was not involved in the September 11 attacks. “Brother Moussaoui was arrested two weeks before the events,” said bin Laden, “and if he had known somethingâ??even very littleâ??about the September 11 group, we would have informed the leader of the operation, Mohamed Atta, and the others . . . to leave America before being discovered.”The Washington PostBritish MP George Galloway said that an assassin would be “morally justified” in killing Prime Minister Tony Blair.Chron.comSeventy-five prisoners were on hunger strike at Guantánamo Bay prison, and a charity organization published a report claiming that 60 minors ages 14 and older have been held at the prison.ABC NewsThe AgePresident George W. Bush signed into law the Respect for America’s Fallen Heroes Act, which limits protests at military funerals.ABC NewsIn Ontario, Canada, a man was arrested ten minutes after stealing a hand-held vagina. “He had used it,” said a constable.AZCentral.com

An earthquake in Indonesia killed more than 5,000 people,ABC Newsflooding in Thailand killed more than 100 people,Irawaddyand four Russian soldiers were killed in Chechnya.MosNews.comThe government of Burma extended the house arrest of opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi for an unspecified amount of time.BBC NewsPalestinian President Mahmoud Abbas called on the Hamas-ledPalestinian Authority to accept the goal of establishing a Palestinian state (and thus acknowledge Israel’s right to exist); if Hamas does not comply, he said that he will call a national referendum on the issue.CNN.comA gay-rights rally in Moscow turned violent when activists were attacked and beaten by anti-gay protesters. “Moscow,” shouted the protesters, “is not Sodom!”Fox NewsIn Germany, at the official opening of the Hauptbahnhof, the largest railway station in Europe, a man went on a rampage and stabbed 35 people. Because one of the first people he stabbed was HIV positive, concerns were raised that some of the subsequently stabbed may also become infected.The IndependentA team of researchers in southern Cameroon said that they had found wild chimpanzees carrying the SIVcpz virus, thought to be the precursor to HIV.BBC NewsIn Washington, D.C., police searched the 50 acres of office space in the Rayburn House Office Building to find that the “gunfire” that precipitated a several hour lockdown was actually a pneumatic hammer.CNN.com

Former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty of conspiracy and fraud,The New York Timesand in San Diego a man named Lawrence Christopher Smith was sentenced to 84 years to life in prison for shooting and killing a man named Dom Perignon Champagne.Sign on San DiegoA Nebraska judge sentenced a man convicted of sexually assaulting a child to probation because the man is too short for prison.NBC4.comThe Supreme Court voted unanimously that police may enter a house without a warrant in order to break up a fight.The New York TimesPresident Bush ordered that the documents seized by the FBI in a raid on the offices of Representative William Jefferson, a Louisiana Democrat, must be sealed for 45 days, so that Congress and the Justice Department can determine exactly how material seized from Congressional offices should be reviewed. The Justice Department denied reports that Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (who publicly criticized the FBI for raiding Jefferson’s offices) was under investigation for his relationship with former lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Hastert said that the FBI was planting stories in the media to discredit him.ABC NewsABC NewsJack Kevorkian was very ill and reportedly had less than a year to live.ABC NewsIn Australia, a psychiatrist named Stephen Allnutt testified that financier Brendan Francis McMahon had believed he was helping animals when he mutilated 17 rabbits and a guinea pig while under the influence of methamphetamine. “I wonder,” McMahon reportedly said, “if I made a mistake because I never asked the rabbits?”The Sydney Morning HeraldScientists in North Carolina said that they could grow new, functional rabbitpenises,Fox Newsand a jury in Illinois awarded a woman $5 million in compensation for her ruined vagina.Daily SouthtownIn Norway a grevling, or badger, wrecked a man’s bedroom.AftenpostenAn analysis of FCC decisions found that the following terms or phrases are neither indecent nor profane: “a lot of crap,” “ass is huge,” “ass,” “bitch,” “damn,” “dick,” “dickhead,” “fire his ass,” “for Christ’s sake,” “hell,” “kick-ass,” “kiss my ass,” “my ass,” “pissed off,” “poop,” “sex with a dog,” “singers that suck,” “sit their asses down,” “sucked,” “up yours,” “wiping his ass,” and “you suck.”Radio World NewspaperNASA scientists claimed that they could extract oxygen from lunar soil,The Daily MailPat Robertson claimed to have leg-pressed 2,000 pounds,AP via Yahoo! Newsand Senator Bill Frist helped give a gorilla a root canal.The Washington PostA study found that most British men are cry babies.Yahoo! NewsA Sherpa stood naked on the summit of Mount Everest.Indobase

Share
Single Page

More from Paul Ford:

From the May 2010 issue

Just like heaven

Weekly Review March 23, 2010, 12:00 am

Weekly Review

Weekly Review November 24, 2009, 12:00 am

Weekly Review

Get access to 165 years of
Harper’s for only $45.99

United States Canada

CATEGORIES

THE CURRENT ISSUE

September 2016

Tearing Up the Map

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Land of Sod

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Only an Apocalypse Can Save Us Now

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

The Watchmen

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Acceptable Losses

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Home

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

view Table Content

FEATURED ON HARPERS.ORG

Post
 
Andrew Cockburn on the Saudi slaughter in Yemen, Alan Jacobs on the disappearance of Christian intellectuals, a forum on a post-Obama foreign policy, a story by Alice McDermott, and more
Artwork by Ingo Günther
Article
Land of Sod·

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Just a few short years ago, Yemen was judged to be among the poorest countries in the world, ranking 154th out of the 187 nations on the U.N.’s Human Development Index. One in every five Yemenis went hungry. Almost one in three was unemployed. Every year, 40,000 children died before their fifth birthday, and experts predicted the country would soon run out of water.

Photograph by Mike Slack
Article
The Watchmen·

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Just a few short years ago, Yemen was judged to be among the poorest countries in the world, ranking 154th out of the 187 nations on the U.N.’s Human Development Index. One in every five Yemenis went hungry. Almost one in three was unemployed. Every year, 40,000 children died before their fifth birthday, and experts predicted the country would soon run out of water.

Illustration by John Ritter
Article
Acceptable Losses·

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Just a few short years ago, Yemen was judged to be among the poorest countries in the world, ranking 154th out of the 187 nations on the U.N.’s Human Development Index. One in every five Yemenis went hungry. Almost one in three was unemployed. Every year, 40,000 children died before their fifth birthday, and experts predicted the country would soon run out of water.

Photograph by Alex Potter
Article
The Origins of Speech·

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

"To Chomsky...every child’s language organ could use the 'deep structure,' 'universal grammar,' and 'language acquisition device' he was born with to express what he had to say, no matter whether it came out of his mouth in English or Urdu or Nagamese."
Illustration (detail) by Darrel Rees. Source photograph © Miroslav Dakov/Alamy Live News

Chances that college students select as “most desirable‚” the same face chosen by the chickens:

49 in 50

Most of the United States’ 36,000 yearly bunk-bed injuries involve male victims.

In Italy, a legislator called for parents who feed their children vegan diets to be sentenced to up to six years in prison, and in Sweden, a woman attempted to vindicate her theft of six pairs of underwear by claiming she had severe diarrhea.

Subscribe to the Weekly Review newsletter. Don’t worry, we won’t sell your email address!

HARPER’S FINEST

Mississippi Drift

By

“Matt was happy enough to sustain himself on the detritus of a world he saw as careening toward self-destruction, and equally happy to scam a government he despised. 'I’m glad everyone’s so wasteful,' he told me. 'It supports my lifestyle.'”

Subscribe Today