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Not since Elisabeth Bumiller wrote her famous ode to the threadcount of Dubya’s pillows in the hallowed pages of the New York Times have I seen something quite capable of competing with this. For a few weeks now, I have been pointing out the similarity of the Alabama Newhouse papers (especially the B’ham News and Mobile Press Register) to the Soviet press of the pre-Gorbachev age. They are the golden voice of the Alabama GOP, presenting the world in politically flavored terms, start to finish. But yesterday, the coverage took a turn into territory that tops anything I ever remember in the Soviet press. Now the ’Bama mainstream papers are moving into decidedly North Korean territory. And under the heading of absurd political suck-up to GOP power brokers, what could top this piece which ran yesterday in both the Birmingham News and the Mobile Press-Register adulating Governor Bob Riley as a lovable man of the people:
Gov. Bob Riley doesn’t leave home without his cowboy boots. The owner of about a dozen pairs — all size 12 — Riley wears cowboy boots every day and almost everywhere. He’s worn boots to areas damaged by tornadoes, to his daughters’ weddings, to news conferences, fund-raisers, speeches and international economic recruiting trips. In April, he hosted a delegation from the Hubei Provincial People’s Congress of China wearing a black alligator pair.
Cowboy boots are the staple of Riley’s wardrobe. “I had all my tuxedoes and my suits tailored for a pair of boots,” Riley said. “Actually, that’s when I wear the alligator most of the time. They are as formal as any dress shoe you will ever buy.”
The cowboy boot — the most iconic of American footwear — had its origins in the poorly made Civil War cavalry boots, according to Jennifer June, author of “Cowboy Boots: The Art & Sole.” Some shoe historians attribute the origins of western bootmaking to the constant repair work required by this repurposed military footwear, June wrote. Bootmakers designed the cowboy boot to meet the needs of someone working in stirrups, she wrote.
Here’s an exercise. Read the entire piece substituting the words “Beloved Leader” for Riley. Now, doesn’t that work better? Recommended art: a socialist realism scene, Riley surrounded by adoring children, bringing him flowers. And they’ve thoughtfully provided Riley’s boot size, so admirers out there can give Riley a favorite pair (be sure it’s alligator, too). Don’t worry about these gifts being seen as political bribes, when extended with request for favors. Riley is a Republican.
There isn’t any news in the B’ham News, but, oh my, there sure is a lot of boot-licking.
More from Scott Horton:
Six Questions — October 18, 2014, 8:00 pm
Nathaniel Raymond on CIA interrogation techniques.
Mark Denbeaux on the NCIS cover-up of three “suicides” at Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp
Chance that an American would give up at least one week of life to avoid taking a pill every day:
Iowa urologists reported that only a minor portion of locker-room teasing arises from “the presence of excess foreskin”; most teasing targets small penises.
A pair of Russian film directors asked President Vladimir Putin to invest $18 million in a new restaurant chain intended to drive McDonald’s out of the Russian market. “Every project these days,” a Russian television personality said of the proposal, “must be smothered in patriotic sauce.”
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“Shelby is waiting for something. He himself does not know what it is. When it comes he will either go back into the world from which he came, or sink out of sight in the morass of alcoholism or despair that has engulfed other vagrants.”