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Not since Elisabeth Bumiller wrote her famous ode to the threadcount of Dubya’s pillows in the hallowed pages of the New York Times have I seen something quite capable of competing with this. For a few weeks now, I have been pointing out the similarity of the Alabama Newhouse papers (especially the B’ham News and Mobile Press Register) to the Soviet press of the pre-Gorbachev age. They are the golden voice of the Alabama GOP, presenting the world in politically flavored terms, start to finish. But yesterday, the coverage took a turn into territory that tops anything I ever remember in the Soviet press. Now the ’Bama mainstream papers are moving into decidedly North Korean territory. And under the heading of absurd political suck-up to GOP power brokers, what could top this piece which ran yesterday in both the Birmingham News and the Mobile Press-Register adulating Governor Bob Riley as a lovable man of the people:
Gov. Bob Riley doesn’t leave home without his cowboy boots. The owner of about a dozen pairs — all size 12 — Riley wears cowboy boots every day and almost everywhere. He’s worn boots to areas damaged by tornadoes, to his daughters’ weddings, to news conferences, fund-raisers, speeches and international economic recruiting trips. In April, he hosted a delegation from the Hubei Provincial People’s Congress of China wearing a black alligator pair.
Cowboy boots are the staple of Riley’s wardrobe. “I had all my tuxedoes and my suits tailored for a pair of boots,” Riley said. “Actually, that’s when I wear the alligator most of the time. They are as formal as any dress shoe you will ever buy.”
The cowboy boot — the most iconic of American footwear — had its origins in the poorly made Civil War cavalry boots, according to Jennifer June, author of “Cowboy Boots: The Art & Sole.” Some shoe historians attribute the origins of western bootmaking to the constant repair work required by this repurposed military footwear, June wrote. Bootmakers designed the cowboy boot to meet the needs of someone working in stirrups, she wrote.
Here’s an exercise. Read the entire piece substituting the words “Beloved Leader” for Riley. Now, doesn’t that work better? Recommended art: a socialist realism scene, Riley surrounded by adoring children, bringing him flowers. And they’ve thoughtfully provided Riley’s boot size, so admirers out there can give Riley a favorite pair (be sure it’s alligator, too). Don’t worry about these gifts being seen as political bribes, when extended with request for favors. Riley is a Republican.
There isn’t any news in the B’ham News, but, oh my, there sure is a lot of boot-licking.
More from Scott Horton:
Conversation — March 30, 2016, 3:44 pm
Joseph Hickman discusses his new book, The Burn Pits, which tells the story of thousands of U.S. soldiers who, after returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, have developed rare cancers and respiratory diseases.
In Havana, the past year has been marked by a parade of bold-faced names from the north — John Kerry reopening the United States Embassy; Andrew Cuomo bringing a delegation of American business leaders; celebrities ranging from Joe Torre, traveling on behalf of Major League Baseball to oversee an exhibition game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Cuban national team, to Jimmy Buffett, said to be considering opening one of his Margaritaville restaurants there. All this culminated with a three-day trip in March by Barack Obama, the first American president to visit Cuba since Calvin Coolidge in 1928. But to those who know the city well, perhaps nothing said as much about the transformation of political relations between the United States and Cuba that began in December 2014 as a concert in the Tribuna Antiimperialista.
Amount traders on the Philadelphia Stock Exchange can be fined for fighting, per punch:
Philadelphian teenagers who want to lose weight also tend to drink too much soda, whereas Bostonian teenagers who drink too much soda are likelier to carry guns.
Nuremberg’s Neues Museum filed a criminal complaint against a 91-year-old woman who completed a crossword puzzle that was in fact a $116,000 piece of avant-garde Danish art.
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“Matt was happy enough to sustain himself on the detritus of a world he saw as careening toward self-destruction, and equally happy to scam a government he despised. 'I’m glad everyone’s so wasteful,' he told me. 'It supports my lifestyle.'”