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President George W. Bush predicted a “nuclear holocaust” if Iran develops weapons of mass destruction and accused the country of undertaking “murderous activities in Iraq”; Iran’s foreign minister described Bush’s comments as a sign of “political despair” caused by “a serious problem in creating propaganda for the next election.” BBCBBCBreitbart.com via Drudgereport.comBush announced his intention to found a “fantastic Freedom Institute” after he leaves office,NY Timesand two brothers survived in a collapsed Beijing coal mine for five days by eating coal and drinking their own urine. “You can only take small sips,” said Meng Xianchen, “and when you’ve finished, you just want to cry.”BBCSouth Korea was scandalized by resume cheats. “Before, we struggled more with fake luxury goods,” said Moon Moo-il, a prosecutor who combats credentials fraud. “Now that we have entered the knowledge-based society, we have to deal with an overflow of fake knowledge.” NY TimesThe Ugandan Interfaith Rainbow Coalition Against Homosexuality called on the government to uphold its laws against gays and lesbians,BBCand Kenya’s Anglican archbishop consecrated two homophobic American priests as bishops at a ceremony in Nairobi.NY TimesIndia’s Khasi tribespeople announced that they would honor Al Gore’s cinematic excellence at a “People’s Parliament” held in a sacred forest,BBCNubian militants in Sudan were organizing efforts “to get rid of the Arabs,” Los Angeles Timesand guitar player Bo Diddley suffered a heart attack.BBC
Republican presidential candidate Tom Tancredo marked the second anniversary of the Hurricane Katrina disaster by suggesting that the “gravy train” of “so-called ‘recovery’” should leave “the New Orleans station,”The Hill via Drudgereport.comand U.S. Representative Jon Porter (R., Nev.) warned that premature evacuation from Iraq would cause American gas prices to rise.ReviewJournal.com via Drudgereport.comGay marriage was legal in Iowa for four hours,NY TimesU.S. Senator Larry Craig (R., Idaho) insisted that he was “not gay” and had not ever “been gay,”NY Timesand the Alton, Texas, chief of police was arrested for making “unwelcomed” sexual advances toward two male employees.KGBTV.com via Nerve.comPrincess Diana had been dead for ten years.NY TimesTony Snow resigned as White House press secretary because the pay was too low,BloombergHomeland Security chief Michael Chertoff vowed to make employers who hire illegal immigrants “unhappy,”Washington Postand polling revealed that Democrats despise President Bush more than any other executive in history. “No one,” said Gary C. Jacobson, a political scientist at the University of California, San Diego, “comes close.”NY TimesCity officials in Houston, Texas, were investigating a “Ghetto Handbook” distributed by the local police to its officers. The booklet, subtitled “Wucha dun did now?” contained, among other items, a glossary that would enable the police to communicate “as if you just came out of the hood.” Terms defined in the glossary included “foty” for a 40-ounce bottle of beer; “aks” for “to ask a question”; and “hoodrat” for “a scummy girl.”Houston ChronicleAtlanta’s city council debated whether or not to outlaw baggy pants,Atlanta Journal ConstitutionNASA announced that none of its astronauts were guilty of flying a spacecraft while drunk, CNNand officials in Tarrytown, New York, installed suicide-prevention telephones on the Tappan Zee bridge.WCBSTVScientists in Louisiana determined that some obese people may be infected with a fat virus.MSNBC.com
A vegetable grower in Fresno, California, recalled 8,000 cartons of salmonella-tainted spinach,Washington PostWest Nile virus was discovered in Vermont,Rutland Heraldand a federal judge upheld New York City’s prohibition on metal baseball bats.NY TimesAnother elementary schoolâ??this one in Colorado Springs, Coloradoâ??banned tag.My Way NewsChina declared its one-child policy an environmental weapon in the fight against global warming,Alertnet.organd a wild male elephant burgled a circus in eastern India, making off with an attractive female elephant.Yahoo News via Nerve.comU.S. transportation horticulturalists were seeding the nation’s roadsides with asters, amsonia, and flowering white thoroughwort, among other wildflowers. NY TimesDeceased real estate mogul Leona Helmsley left a $12 million bequest to her dog, a small white Maltese named Trouble;New York Daily Newsreality-show personality Nicole Richie was released from jail in Los Angeles after serving 82 minutes for drunk driving.My Way NewsJohn Ashbery was named the poet laureate of MTV.NY Times
More from Theodore Ross:
Years ago, I lived in Montana, a land of purple sunsets, clear streams, and snowflakes the size of silver dollars drifting through the cold air. There were no speed limits and you could legally drive drunk. My small apartment in Missoula had little privacy. In order to write, I rented an off-season fishing cabin on Rock Creek, a one-room place with a bed and a bureau. I lacked the budget for a desk. My idea was to remove a sliding door from a closet in my apartment and place it over a couple of hastily cobbled-together sawhorses.
Amount the inventor of the yellow “smiley face” had received for it by the time of his death in April:
An astrophysicist observed that the early universe looked like vegetable soup.
In North Korea, a missile capable of striking U.S. bases overseas blew up immediately after a test launch, and in North Carolina, a G.O.P. headquarters was firebombed.
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â€śMatt was happy enough to sustain himself on the detritus of a world he saw as careening toward self-destruction, and equally happy to scam a government he despised. 'Iâ€™m glad everyoneâ€™s so wasteful,' he told me. 'It supportsÂ my lifestyle.'â€ť