Washington Babylon — November 8, 2007, 10:29 am

When it Comes to Hillary, People Have No Sense of Huma

Turns out everything–and I mean everything–you’ve heard about Hillary is true. I received a stream of emails in reply to my item yesterday about rumors of an affair between Hillary Clinton and her aide, Huma Abedin.

Often email writers make wild allegations but in this case I was provided solid evidence to back up the charges. For example, Robert Morrow, who describes himself as “one of the nation’s top experts on wild Hillary and wild Bill,” told me he’d learned from experience that “every crazy rumor about the Clintons is true.” For example, Hillary’s past lovers include Webb Hubbell (“probably the real dad of Chelsea”) and Vince Foster (“Hillary’s lover and emotional husband”). Furthermore, “Hillary and Bill are sociopaths, not unlike serial killers such as Ted Bundy.” Thus, to put it all together, Hillary is shacking up with Huma. Q.E.D.

But there’s more. I was also alerted to a photograph that showed Huma in the background while Clinton spoke with Ellen DeGeneres during a recent trip to New York–lesbianism by association. Others unearthed evidence that Huma–whose job description according to a profile by the New York Observer is “omnipresent traveling assistant” — is constantly seen with Hillary on the campaign trail. Case closed. Hillary and Huma are an item.

But wait–then I received proof that Hillary is strictly hetero. The most compelling evidence: a previously undisclosed photograph of Hillary with her past lovers, Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. I’ve been assured that the photo (too obscene to post here) is genuine.

Could Hillary and Huma be partners? Sure, anything’s possible. But “everyone knows” that John Edwards has a girlfriend in New York and that Cindy McCain is cheating on her husband, to cite two other confirmed stories I’ve heard recently. Let’s pretend for just a moment that all of these stories are true. The reporter who sets out to prove any of them has a tough job because there just aren’t a lot of presidential candidates who make Gary Hart-sized mistakes anymore. In the case of Hillary and Huma, is it really possible that their tryst is something “everyone knows?” Have they been making out at bars around Washington? Have they shared their feelings widely with campaign staffers and friends? Is there a photo album with pictures of them holding hands as they stroll through Central Park and ride together on the Cyclone at Coney Island?

Meanwhile, as the rumors swirl, the interesting story about all of this remains unsolved: which Democratic presidential campaigns have been whispering about the alleged Hillary-Huma affair?

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    Congrats on making this pun 6 years before everyone else!

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