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Few human activities are more popular than war, and yet the negative consequences of actual battle, with its inevitable atrocities, often are very high. Therefore when the philosopher William James hit on the idea in 1906 that there could be a moral equivalent of war, conflicted fans of military action could be forgiven for hoping that a solution to their quandary would soon be at hand.
Alas, our attempts to find such an equivalent have thus far met with poor results. The War on Poverty, launched by Lyndon Johnson as an alternative to the War on Vietnam, was officially ended in 1996 by Bill Clinton, who claimed that it was not moral after all. The War on Drugs, which seemed more promising, has had the unfortunate side effect of gathering a significant number of Americans into prisons, where immoral behavior is known to breed. And the War on Terror seems too much like a real war to be considered an “equivalent,” moral or otherwise.
But there is another way, one that is often discussed this time of year. Indeed, the War on Christmas may at last be the perfect Jamesian war. On the pro-Christmas side we have television commentators, Christians, the military-industrial complex, and all children everywhere. On the anti-Christmas side we have no one at all. Here is a war that can be fought forever, and with few or possibly even no casualties. What better way to celebrate Christ’s message of peace?
Would such a war require sacrifice? Not necessarily. James predicted that, “The war against war is going to be no holiday excursion or camping party.” And that may have been true a century ago. But America has progressed considerably. Christmas already provides an appealing set of symbols around which the people could rally, and it is well situated to surpass military spending as an economic organizing principle. With just a little effort, we could achieve the peace that endureth for a war that will never end.
And so a proposal:
What if congressional Democrats joined congressional Republicans to reclaim their constitutional right to declare war? That great body has already passed a resolution acknowledging “the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith.” Why not take it a step further and bring America into this enduring battle on the side of Santa and Wal-Mart? Would this not exemplify the kind of visionary bipartisanship our pundits have so long desired?
And would our president dare refuse to act on such a declaration? In many ways, the War on Christmas would be the culmination of the Bushian project. Indeed, it has been foretold in the very book from which many holiday worshipers draw their tradition. “The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb,” reports Isaiah, “and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.”
More from Luke Mitchell:
Many comedians consider stand-up the purest form of comedy; Doug Stanhope considers it the freest. “Once you do stand-up, it spoils you for everything else,” he says. “You’re the director, performer, and producer.” Unlike most of his peers, however, Stanhope has designed his career around exploring that freedom, which means choosing a life on the road. Perhaps this is why, although he is extremely ambitious, prolific, and one of the best stand-ups performing, so many Americans haven’t heard of him. Many comedians approach the road as a means to an end: a way to develop their skills, start booking bigger venues, and, if they’re lucky, get themselves airlifted to Hollywood. But life isn’t happening on a sit-com set or a sketch show — at least not the life that has interested Stanhope. He isn’t waiting to be invited to the party; indeed, he’s been hosting his own party for years.
Because of the present comedy boom, civilians are starting to hear about Doug Stanhope from other comedians like Ricky Gervais, Sarah Silverman, and Louis CK. But Stanhope has been building a devoted fan base for the past two decades, largely by word of mouth. On tour, he prefers the unencumbered arrival and the quick exit: cheap motels where you can pull the van up to the door of the room and park. He’s especially pleased if there’s an on-site bar, which increases the odds of hearing a good story from the sort of person who tends to drink away the afternoon in the depressed cities where he performs. Stanhope’s America isn’t the one still yammering on about its potential or struggling with losing hope. For the most part, hope is gone. On Word of Mouth, his 2002 album, he says, “America may be the best country, but that’s like being the prettiest Denny’s waitress. Just because you’re the best doesn’t make you good.”
Ratio of husbands who say they fell in love with their spouse at first sight to wives who say this:
Mathematicians announced the discovery of the perfect method of cutting a cake.
Indian prime-ministerial contender Narendra Modi, who advertises his bachelorhood as a mark of his incorruptibility, confessed to having a wife.
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