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Pope Benedict XVI toured the United States. Kathleen Battle, Harry Connick Jr., and Kelly Clarkson serenaded him, President George W. Bush gave him a crystal cross and a birthday cake, Placido Domingo threw him a birthday party (but forgot to invite him), Jews welcomed him into a Manhattan synagogue, and fans at Yankee stadium performed the wave in his honor. Three Girl Scouts fainted in his presence.Washington PostWashington PostNew York TimesBBC NewsSundriesâ?¦A Sweatshop of MoxieUnited Press InternationalThe Senate and the House took half a day off so that more than 100 members of Congress, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader John Boehner, and Senator Edward Kennedy, could take a bus to Nationals Park, in Washington, D.C., to hear the Pope deliver Mass.Washington PostBaker Liturgical Art, LLC, the Connecticut-based clothing company hired by the Vatican, revealed that more than 150 artisans (including 50 seamstresses), and 1,500 yards of fabric were necessary to outfit the Pope and his entourage in new vestments for their 6-day stint in the United States. Brian Baker, the company’s president, also created a one-size-fits-all flex-miter for the occasion.Hartford CourantThe Pope turned 81, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens turned 88, and 75-year-old Democratic Representative John Murtha said that 71-year-old John McCain is too old to be president. “Let me tell you something,” said Murtha. “It’s no old man’s job.” Supreme AnxietyBreitbartChristie’s was unable to sell the skeleton of a 65-million-year-old, 25-foot-long triceratops.Washington Post
Suicide bombers struck in Gaza, Afghanistan, and Iraq. “We are seeing the globalization of suicide bombs,” said Mohammed Hafez, a professor at the Naval Postgraduate School; U.S. officials revealed that suicide bombing was on the rise, with more than 658 attacks worldwide last year, double the number in any of the past 25 years.Washington PostCalcutta NewsCanada East OnlineWashington PostIraqi police were cracking down on drivers who neglect to wear their seatbelts. “It is a symbol of civilization,” said Ahmed Wahayid, a taxi driver. “Western people in Europe and America have it.” New York TimesOhio Governor Ted Strickland signed into law a bill that allows disabled hunters to shoot from their cars.The Plain DealerDemocratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean told superdelegates that they had to decide between Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton “starting now.”CNNBruce Springsteen endorsed Obama.Washington PostZodiac Vodka announced that Obama, a Leo, will defeat Clinton, a Scorpio, in the race for the Democratic nomination. “Leo has never lost to a Scorpio,” said the company. “Scorpio, however, has lost to 11 of the 12 signs.”Washington TimesA German TV station aired segments from recently discovered top-secret Stasi porno movies with names like Private Werner’s Big Surprise and Fucking for the Fatherland. “I didn’t recognize myself,” said a former actor/soldier. “Neither did my wife, thank God.”TelegraphPresident Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met and discussed the “special relationship” between the United States and the United Kingdom. “If it wasn’t a personal relationship,” said Bush, “I wouldn’t be inviting the man to a nice hamburger or something. Well done, I might add.”Washington PostA new study revealed that forgoing beef at least once a week could drastically curb greenhouse gas emissions.New Scientist
A Yale art major convinced the press that her senior thesis project chronicled the nine months she spent artificially inseminating herself “as often as possible” and then repeatedly inducing abortions; a Yale spokeswoman said that the artist’s claims were false and that the project was “performance art.”BreitbartArgentines were upset about a recent episode of “The Simpsons” in which Homer’s friends praised “military dictator” Juan Peron for successfully disappearing people and for his lovely wife, “Madonna.” “This type of program causes great harm,” said former congressman Lorenzo Pepe. “That part about Madonna–that was too much.”Washington PostAstronomers watched baby stars being spawned in galaxy M83, more than 15 million light-years away;BBCa NASA spacecraft captured images of solar burps spewing from the Sun and ripping the tail off a passing comet;BBCscientists built a tiny operating table in order to perform laser nanosurgery on a one millimeter worm; andThe Telegraphresearchers tinkering with the genes of female fruit flies were able to make them produce an alluring song by vibrating one of their wings, an action previously seen only in males.BBCA woman hitchhiking from Milan to Tel Aviv dressed as a bride in order to promote world peace was raped and strangled in Turkey. “Her travels were for an artistic performance and to give a message of peace and trust,” said the artist’s sister, “but not everyone deserves trust.”New York TimesBBC
More from Claire Gutierrez:
Number of British women killed last fall by lightning conducted through their underwire bras:
British women wear heels for fifty-one years on average, from the ages of twelve to sixty-three.
Thousands of employees of McDonaldâ€™s protested outside the companyâ€™s headquarters near Chicago, demanding their wages be increased to $15 per hour. â€śI canâ€™t afford any shoes,â€ť said one employee in attendance, â€śand I want Versace heels.â€ť
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â€śShelby is waiting for something. He himself does not know what it is. When it comes he will either go back into the world from which he came, or sink out of sight in the morass of alcoholism or despair that has engulfed other vagrants.â€ť