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After a trial based predominantly on classified evidence, much of which could not be discussed with the defendants, U.S. District Judge Richard Leon ordered the release of five Algerian prisoners from Guantanamo Bay, where they have been held without charge for seven years based on a single, unidentified source. “To allow enemy combatancy to rest on so thin a reed,” said Leon, “would be inconsistent with this court’s obligation.” The judge called upon the Justice Department to accept his ruling, saying that the Algerians deserve to go home and that an appeal would keep the prisoners at Guantanamo for two additional years; more than 100 cases related to the prison camp, which President-elect Barack Obama has promised to close, were under review by federal judges.APAPRetail prices fell to their lowest point since 1989, oil fell below $50 a barrel, and the Bureau of Labor Statistics announced that the Consumer Price Index fell by 1 percent in October–the sharpest drop in the 61 years the index has been tracked.Washington PostUPIFederal regulators planned to bail out Citigroup with $20 billion in direct investment as well as over $300 billion in loan and securities guarantees,NYTimesCongress voted to extend unemployment benefits by at least seven weeks, CNNand Focus on the Family announced that it would fire 149 people.UPIAlaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, then gave a televised interview as other turkeys were slaughtered in the background. “It’s nice to get out,” she said as an upended turkey was killed, “and participate in something that isn’t so heavy-handed politics that it invites criticism.”BBCSenator Ted Stevens, a felon, lost his seat to Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich, for whom he promised to pray,LA Timesand Minnesota continued to examine ballots cast in the Senate race between Al Franken and incumbent Norm Coleman; both parties challenged the legitimacy of some ballots, including one in which a voter chose both Franken and the “Lizard People.”Minnesota Public RadioBarack Obama’s transition team continued to name cabinet members, including former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle as the new secretary of health and human services, chairman of the New York Federal Reserve Tim Geithner as the secretary of treasury, and New York Senator Hillary Clinton as secretary of state.Roll CallTelegraphBoston HeraldThe word “meh,” defined as “an expression of indifference or boredom” was added to the Collins English Dictionary.AP
Pirates stole a Saudi oil supertanker off the coast of Somalia and demanded a $25 million ransom,The Guardianand gorillas were dying in the crossfire after Congolese rebel fighters took over a gorilla sanctuary.CNNNew evidence suggested that Adolf Hitler was monorchic, or single-testicled, having lost the other in the Battle of the Somme in 1916.Fox NewsThe senior police officer in Tokyo responsible for catching drunk drivers was caught driving drunk,Reutersand men in Japan were wearing bras.The GuardianGlobal atomic inspectors suggested that Iran has enough nuclear material to make one atomic bomb,International Herald Tribuneand a congressional advisory panel found that China has stolen “vast amounts of sensitive information from U.S. computer networks,” including government networks.CBSA Chinese-born scientist working in Virginia pleaded guilty to selling military secrets to the Chinese for their space program,Information Weekand an astronaut working to clean and lube the International Space Station’s deteriorating exterior lost a $100,000 tool bag. “We’re jacking up the International Space Station, taking the wheels off,” said NASA Commander Christopher Ferguson, “and we’re bound to get a little dirty, a little dusty, and meet a few surprises along the way.”APNYTimes
The U.S. National Intelligence Council released a report to U.S. policymakers intended to prepare them for a future of waning U.S. influence as countries including China, India, and Russia grow in standing. The report suggests the dollar may be replaced as the world’s major currency, and that demand for oil, food, and water “will outstrip easily available supplies” and lead to global conflicts. “Conditions will be ripe for disaffection, growing radicalism… youths into terrorist groups… all current technologies are inadequate. This,” it concluded, “is a story with no clear outcome.” BBCCNNThe Center for Disease Control and Prevention found that Burlington, Vermont, is the healthiest city in America,LiveScienceand scientists at the University of Georgia discovered that, like humans, rats can think about thinking.Shortlist.comRadek Sikorski, Poland’s foreign minister, denied saying that Barack Obama’s relatives were cannibals who ate Polish missionaries. “Mr. Sikorski did not tell a racist joke,” said a spokesman. “He was only giving an example of unpalatable and racist jokes.”TelegraphAl Qaeda released an English-subtitled video in which commander Ayman al-Zawahri refers to Barack Obama and Condoleezza Rice as “house Negroes,” APand Muhammad Sven Kalisch, Germany’s first professor of Islamic theology, declared that the Prophet Muhammad likely never existed, and also expressed doubts about the origin of the Koran. “God,” explained Kalisch, “doesn’t write books.”WSJPrince, who wrote and performed the songs “International Lover,” “Cream,” and “Jack U Off,” spoke out against gay marriage. “God came to earth,” said Prince, “and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ” The New Yorker
More from Genevieve Smith:
From the May 2014 issue
Acreage of a Christian nudist colony under development in Florida:
Florida’s wildlife officials decided to remove the manatee, which has a mild taste that readily adapts to recipes for beef, from the state’s endangered-species list.
A 64-year-old mother and her 44-year-old son were arrested for running a gang that stole more than $100,000 worth of toothbrushes from Publix, Walmart, Walgreens, and CVS stores in Florida.
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“He could be one of a million beach-bound, black-socked Florida retirees, not the man who, by some odd happenstance of life, possesses the brain of Albert Einstein — literally cut it out of the dead scientist's head.”