Guns, the big game, and circular fast-food logic
SIGN IN to access Harper’s Magazine
1. Sign in to Customer Care using your account number or postal address.
2. Select Email/Password Information.
3. Enter your new information and click on Save My Changes.
Subscribers can find additional help here. Not a subscriber? Subscribe today!
Guns, the big game, and circular fast-food logic
The Senate Judiciary Committee held its first hearing on gun violence since a mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, in December. Former Arizona representative Gabrielle Giffords, who was critically injured in a 2011 shooting in Tucson, spoke in favor of new legislation. “Too many children are dying,” said Giffords. “The time is now.” While the hearing was taking place, a gunman shot three people in a Phoenix office building. The previous day, a 15-year-old majorette who performed at President Barack Obama’s inauguration was shot and killed at a park in Chicago, and in Alabama, a man named Jimmy Lee Dykes boarded a bus, shot the driver, and abducted a five-year-old boy who he held hostage for seven days in a six- by eight-foot bunker, until the FBI staged a successful operation to rescue the child. Dykes, who died during the raid, was known to patrol his yard with a flashlight and a firearm, to chase people off his property with a shovel, and to have beaten a neighbor’s dog with a lead pipe. He had been scheduled to appear in court last Wednesday to answer charges that he shot at his neighbors in a dispute over a speed bump. The Sandy Hook Elementary choir opened Super Bowl XLVII at the Superdome in New Orleans, singing “America the Beautiful” with American Idol finalist Jennifer Hudson, whose mother, brother, and seven-year-old nephew were shot and killed five years ago. Destiny’s Child reunited to sing “Bootylicious” at halftime, a power outage at the stadium halted the game for 34 minutes, and the Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers 34–31. To settle wagers placed on the game, San Francisco city librarian Luis Herrera will recite Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” in the atrium of the main branch of the city’s public library, and Episcopal Bishop of California Marc Andrus will reportedly send Episcopal Bishop of Maryland Eugene Sutton local beer and tie-dyed clothing.
Iran claimed to have launched a monkey named Pishgam (“Pioneer”) 72 miles into space, touting the creature’s safe return as important progress since its 2010 launches of a mouse, a turtle, and some worms. “A slight monkey on a suborbital flight,” said space-policy professor John Logsden, “is nothing to get too excited about.” In response to a proposed British government ad campaign that would emphasize negative aspects of life in the United Kingdom in order to dissuade Romanians from immigrating, a Romanian news site launched a campaign designed to attract British tourists, featuring such slogans as “We speak better English than anywhere you’ve been in France.” Latvians protested their country’s bid to adopt the euro, which has been weakened by debt crises throughout the continent. “We don’t want to pay for their problems,” said financial manager Normunds Bernups. “They already have a better standard of living than we do.” A Reykjavik court granted a 15-year-old officially known as “girl” the right to use her given name, which the Icelandic government had barred her from doing because it was too masculine. “Finally,” she said, “I’ll have the name ‘Blær’ in my passport.” Dolce & Gabbana announced the launch of a unisex perfume for newborns, inspired by the freshness of their breath. “D&G say their scent ‘smells of baby,’ ” said fragrance expert Vanessa Musson, “but a baby already smells like a baby.” Frito-Lay announced the release of Taco Bell Doritos, which will taste like Taco Bell Doritos Loco tacos, which taste like Doritos. Hundreds of birds washed up on the southern coast of England coated with a substance suspected to be vegetable oil, and were cleaned with margarine. A Japanese zoo held an earthquake drill in which staff netted a man in a zebra suit, and reports of damage to a home in Swords, Dublin, following a high school party whose invitation had gone viral were found to have been overstated. “There was no goldfish boiled,” explained a family member, “there was no hamster taped to the ceiling.”
Natalie Scott of Stirling, Scotland, pleaded guilty to culpable homicide for killing her partner with a wineglass, and Frederick Gilliard of Blackpool, England, was sentenced to four years in prison for bludgeoning his wife to death with a garden statue shaped like an Easter Island head. “This is going to kill my kids,” he told police at the time of the incident. “We have been married 54 years. I loved that woman.” A Portsmouth, Virginia, man who stole a church van was apprehended when he crashed into a building at the intersection of Effingham and High Streets; thieves abandoned an attempted carjacking in Orlando, Florida, because they couldn’t drive a stick shift; and a Newport News, Virginia, delivery man apprehended a 17-year-old girl who stole money and pizza from him by giving chase in his car as she fled on her bicycle. Three New Hampshire men were arrested in a road-rage incident involving a chainsaw, a baseball bat, and a wooden pole with a knife attached, and an Ottawa man named Richard Blake, on trial for stabbing a couple in their Rideout Circle home, claimed that the SUV he was driving, which had bloody knives in the backseat, had been given to him by a mysterious stranger he met while out buying milk. “I was pretty excited about it,” said Blake. “Free car, you know.”
Sign up and get the Weekly Review delivered to your inbox every Tuesday morning.
More from Sara Breselor:
Weekly Review — April 14, 2015, 8:00 am
Michael Slager is charged with murder, Hillary Clinton declares her candidacy for president, and a Utah television personality gets probation for kicking a barn owl
Weekly Review — January 20, 2015, 8:00 am
The Pope says climate change is mostly man made, Al Qaeda claims responsibility for the attack on Charlie Hebdo, and residents of a town in Denmark agree to have sex more often
Flor Arely Sánchez had been in bed with a fever and pains throughout her body for three days when a July thunderstorm broke over the mountainside. She got nervous when bolts of light flashed in the sky. Lightning strikes the San Julián region of western El Salvador several times a year, and her neighbors fear storms more than they fear the march of diseases — first dengue, then chikungunya, now Zika. Flor worried about a lot of things, since she was pregnant.
Late in the afternoon, when the pains had somewhat eased, Flor thought she might go to a dammed-up bit of the river near her house to bathe. She is thirty-five and has lived in the same place all her life, where wrinkled hills are planted with corn, beans, and fruit trees. She took a towel and soap and walked out into the rain. Halfway to the river, the pains returned and overcame her. The next thing Flor remembers, she was in a room she didn’t recognize, unable to move. As she soon discovered, she was in a hospital, her ankle cuffed to the bed, and she was being investigated for abortion.
Average duration of a Japanese prime minister’s tenure since August 1993, in months:
Brain shrinkage has no effect on cognition.
An Indianapolis fertility doctor was accused of using his own sperm to artificially inseminate patients, and a Delaware man pleaded guilty to fatally stabbing his former psychiatrist.
Subscribe to the Weekly Review newsletter. Don’t worry, we won’t sell your email address!
“Matt was happy enough to sustain himself on the detritus of a world he saw as careening toward self-destruction, and equally happy to scam a government he despised. 'I’m glad everyone’s so wasteful,' he told me. 'It supports my lifestyle.'”