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A school cafeteria worker in Louisiana was arrested for selling baked goods laced with marijuana.

A minister for the U.K.’s Home Office told the House of Lords that they hoped to phase out the use of hotels for underage asylum seekers, as 200 unaccompanied minors have gone missing.1 In Haiti, which has no elected officials after the terms of its last 10 senators expired, suspected cases of cholera were reported to have jumped roughly 60 percent over the past month, and gangs occupied large parts of Port-au-Prince.2 In Israel, which amended a law after its most recent elections allowing felons to be appointed to government ministries without a waiting period as long as they hadn’t served jail time, 10 of the 11 justices on the Supreme Court ruled that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s interior and health minister, Aryeh Deri, who had been convicted of taking bribes, breach of trust, and tax fraud, was not fit to serve due to “extreme unreasonability.”3 Deri, who had promised to leave political life in exchange for a suspended sentence, was fired after a four-day standoff.4 Citing burnout, New Zealand’s prime minister announced she would resign.5 In Los Angeles, 11 people were killed by a shooter at a dance studio, and at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Senators Kirsten Sinema and Joe Manchin high-fived over blocking filibuster reform.6 7 A former House Republican candidate from New Mexico who ran on an anti-crime platform despite his burglary conviction appeared in court to face accusations that he had arranged drive-by shootings at the houses of several local Democrats.8 “He came across to me as a very respectful, thoughtful young man,” said the former chair of the New Mexico Republican Party. A Utah newspaper website took down an obituary for a man who had killed his entire family that described his children as “truly a cherished miracle” to him.9

Florida rejected a new Advanced Placement African American Studies class, claiming that it was “inexplicably contrary to Florida law.”10 It was reported that the lights have been on at a Massachusetts high school for over a year because of pandemic-related supply chain issues.11 Iowa Republicans were reported to propose preventing SNAP recipients from using the benefits on white bread, American cheese, and fresh meat, and a Texas Republican proposed requiring that all foods containing material from aborted fetuses be “clearly and conspicuously labeled.”12 13 A school cafeteria worker in Louisiana was arrested for selling baked goods laced with marijuana.14 Amazon announced that it would lay off 18,000 workers, and Google said that it would cut 12,000 jobs.15 Microsoft, after top executives enjoyed a private concert by Sting, announced that it would dismiss 10,000 employees.16 Twitter, which has lost roughly 50 percent of its staff since its takeover by Elon Musk, held an auction of its office assets, and someone bought a statue of the company’s bird logo for $100,000.17 18 It was reported that several members of the Taliban had purchased blue checkmarks, and Musk’s lawyer referred to false tweets that the Tesla leader had sent about his ability to take the company private as “technical wordsmith inaccuracies.”19 20 The New York representative George Santos denied stealing $3,000 intended for a disabled veteran’s dying dog, and was reported to have claimed that he performed as a drag queen and acted on Hannah Montana.21 22 House Republicans assigned Santos to the small business and science committees, and the Colorado representative and QAnon adherent Lauren Boebert said that conspiracy theorists should not be allowed on House panels.23 24 25

A Florida woman was pulled from a storm drain for the third time in just over two years, and a Michigan resident who had been called to help a friend stopped for drunk driving was arrested for drunk driving.26 27 A Canadian woman who, while driving home drunk from a Marilyn Manson show, crashed into a house, causing an explosion that resulted in an estimated $15 million in damage, sued the company that held the concert and served her alcohol.28 The Mars Wrigley corporation announced that it would cease the use of anthropomorphic candy characters in its M&M advertisements because they are too controversial.29 While sentencing a man to life imprisonment for illegally transporting a cow for slaughter, an Indian court claimed that houses made of cow dung are unaffected by atomic radiation.30 In the United Kingdom, an inquest revealed details of the death of a man who had been trampled by bovines during a lunchtime walk, and six people, including three children, were reported dead at a kite-flying festival after their throats were slit by sharp strings.31 32 A man who robbed a statue of St. Michael from a church tripped and was stabbed by the archangel’s sword.33 A former NYPD union leader confessed to stealing members’ dues, and it was revealed that two New York City investigators responsible for finding sick-leave abuse at Rikers Island were placed under investigation for sick-leave abuse.34 35 A survey found that only 55 percent of people can confidently locate their rectum.36 “It definitely took up, like, half the day,” said a U.S. State Department official of discussion about switching preferred fonts from Times New Roman to Calibri.37 —Jon Edelman

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