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An analysis of paintings conducted by Indian urologists was reported to have shown that the average depicted penis size has increased over the past seven centuries.

In Mexico, where more than 112,000 nationals are missing, two Americans who had entered the country seeking an affordable tummy tuck were rescued by Mexican authorities after having been mistaken for rival traffickers and kidnapped by the Scorpion Group of the Gulf Cartel.1 2 3 4 One day later, Mexican police found five men lying facedown in the street with their hands tied, along with a handwritten apology, purportedly from the cartel. “We are committed that the mistakes caused by lack of discipline are not repeated and that those responsible are made to pay, no matter who they are!!” the message said.5 Republicans called for military intervention against the cartels, which are often armed with guns purchased in the United States, and a conservative congressman from Georgia wondered if diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives contributed to the Norfolk Southern derailment.6 Mitch McConnell was hospitalized with a concussion, and George Santos was accused of leading a credit card skimming plot and of lying about needing to feed his fish to get out of a court hearing.7 8 9 Ben Savage, the former star of Boy Meets World, announced that he is running for Congress, and police engaged in a multi-hour standoff with an underwear-clad man on a rooftop in Topanga.10 11 A Republican representative who gave unofficial tours of Congress to attendees of Donald Trump’s Save America rally in the days before the Capitol riot was put in charge of a committee investigating the Democrat-led January 6 committee, and Tucker Carlson, who was reported to have sent text messages saying that he hates Trump passionately despite his praise of the former president on television, aired previously unreleased footage of the attempted insurrection in order to portray it as a peaceful protest.12 13 14 Psychologists revealed that Americans share fake news to fit in with their friends.15

A gunman killed seven, including himself, during a service at a Jehovah’s Witness Hall in Hamburg, and a man who fired blanks in a San Francisco synagogue was reported to have claimed that it was an act of prayer.16 17 A Catholic nonprofit was revealed to have spent millions on mobile app data identifying priests who used gay hookup apps.18 AT&T, the online health insurance marketplace for members of Congress, and Chick-fil-A were reported to have suffered data breaches.19 20 21 It was reported that the former U.K. prime minister Boris Johnson planned to nominate his father for a knighthood, and Prince Andrew was said to be furious that he could not wear a chivalric costume of flowing velvet robes and a headpiece topped with ostrich feathers to King Charles’s coronation.22 23 The British government announced a plan to remove nearly all asylum seekers who come by small boats via the English Channel, and the BBC faced a boycott after the beloved soccer presenter Gary Lineker was suspended for comparing this policy to 1930s-era Germany.24 25 “I don’t like Nazis. Nobody likes Nazis,” said a man who put up swastika flags in his apartment windows, claiming that they were to draw attention to his missing fiancée.26 Eight months after reporting her husband missing, a hoarder from Illinois found his body in her house.27 A prisoner in Maryland was convicted of attempted murder in a fight over juice boxes, and a Glasgow man was sentenced for robbing an ATM patron who turned out to be his own son.28 29 “Hey Greenwood! How ’bout we stop shooting each other?” read an Indiana billboard days after a deadly incident in a local bar.30 A man who stole approximately $24 from a gas station in China was revealed to have avoided police by living in a cave for 14 years.31

The trench of a Russian soldier who gave the middle finger to a Ukrainian drone was hit with several grenades, and a Luxembourgian MP flicked off a political opponent after he suggested that she had not written a speech that she delivered.32 33 “Flipping the proverbial bird is a God-given, Charter-enshrined right that belongs to every red-blooded Canadian,” a Quebec judge was reported to have ruled.34 A Virginia jurist used a 19th-century law about enslaved people  to decide that frozen human embryos can be considered property, and a committee of the West Virginia legislature defeated a bill that would have banned child marriage.35 36 The governor of Arkansas signed a law ending a requirement that employers obtain work certificates for children under 16, and the meal-kit company HelloFresh confirmed that it would stop carrying coconut milk from Thailand due to concerns over forced monkey labor.37 38 An analysis of paintings conducted by Indian urologists was reported to have shown that the average depicted penis size has increased over the past seven centuries, and Spanish urologists established formal definitions of growers and showers.39 40 Twenty-eight Colombian schoolgirls were hospitalized for anxiety after playing with Ouija boards, and an anime voice actress was reported to have tweeted a reminder for her fans to bathe before attending her concert.41 42 It was revealed that the city of Newark has rescinded an agreement to be sister cities with the United States of Kailasa, which does not exist.43Jon Edelman

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