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March 2018 Issue [Readings]

Pardon the Intrusion


By Lydia Davis, from a story collection in progress. Davis is editing a book of essays that will be published next year. She is a writer and translator.

Does anyone have experience resurfacing porcelain?

I’d be grateful if someone could recommend a good periodontist in the area. Thanks!

Can anyone recommend a dermatologist in the area?

Could anyone recommend a chiropractor in the area?

Pardon the intrusion. Is anyone in need of brown expanding folders?

An umbrella was left behind after the meeting yesterday. It is being held at the information desk.

Would anyone like this toddler bed?

Kayak for sale. If interested, please call Betty.

Does anyone have any personal connections to a local dairy farm?

If you have tickets to Oklahoma! that you are not going to use, I am looking to buy some.

Has anyone had good experience with a company that could help to load and unload a truck?

The couch comes with two matching brown pillows and is fairly low to the ground. Have a lovely holiday weekend!

Pardon the intrusion. The folders have been taken.

I am in need of a sturdy chair for a wedding on July 23, one that will hold a very pregnant bride during the hora. Does anyone have such a chair that could be borrowed for this occasion?

Free rooster. A surprise among our new flock of hens, he is about three months old.

Greetings. I’ll be going out of town in early August, and my turtle is interested in paying someone to stop by 3–4 times to drop off some lettuce with him. He lives about ten minutes away. Please contact me on his behalf if you know someone who might be interested.

Exterminator needed, especially one who specializes in bedbugs. We are stuck in Italy, and this is a very time-sensitive matter.

Hello. I’m working on a new large photograph and am looking for small roses from the garden for the piece. Also hoping for some quinces, if you happen to have some!

Pardon the intrusion — we have a few items to sell, among them: one glass-topped desk, one dumbbell set, and one Founding Fathers board game.

Does anyone have a British-to-US plug adapter to lend or sell? The appliance is British, the wall outlet US.

Pardon the intrusion, but I and the Professor have a surfeit of borage. Any suggestions?

Thank you all for your input regarding the gastroenterologist.

We are missing a package that was sent to the archivist. It contains a photograph of the South H. Drinking Society Farewell Party. (Francis is with the clock and the pipe.)

We have a pair of extra tickets to Love Is Crazy on Saturday — selling them as a pair.

Seeking somewhere to move into, such as a cabin in back of something large.

I am hoping to make walnut ink with my students. Does anyone have a walnut tree who would be willing to part with their nuts?

Seeking chimney mason for neglected chimney in old house.

Wanted: rubber ducks. I will pick up.

Seeking somewhere to move into that is along a stream somewhere. I don’t mind inconvenience.

I have a box of inkjet cartridges, free to a good home.

Does anyone have used binders?

I have two more tickets for Love Is Crazy.

Nuts found.

Any suggestions for someone to fix a broken water pump?

We are looking for a good and reasonable local piano tuner for a very old German piano.

We are looking for a travel version of Go.

We are looking for unwanted egg cartons.

Can anyone recommend an honest stamp dealer?

Creditable squash and tennis player looking for partner.

I am a pianist and would like a violinist to play the “Kreutzer Sonata” with.

Did you lose your glasses? I found this pair (see pic below). If you can read this, please come by and pick them up.

Egg cartons found! Thanks to all who responded!

Please pardon the intrusion. We are moving house and are in need of boxes for packing. Please let me know if you have any to spare.

Do you want to sell me your car? Something with a little panache preferred.

My son’s iMac keyboard no longer types the letter o — anyone have an old iMac keyboard kicking around that you don’t use?

My son dropped (or, more accurately, threw) his cell phone, and it no longer works. Does anyone have a used, working Verizon cell phone to sell?

Can anyone recommend a knowledgeable arborist? A big branch has recently fallen off my large front-yard tree, blocking traffic on the street.

Looking for a Lithuanian speaker to help translate some papers.

Newly formed Road Runners club looking for more members. We meet under the water tower every Thursday and start running sharply at seven o’clock.

Cast-iron wok. Practically new.

Would like to sell some furniture! See pics below. From smoke-free home with one cat.

Cast-iron wok sold.

Does anyone have a recommendation for a dentist in the area?

French tutor needs ride to Boston to visit a friend. Will pay for gas and bring cookies and French music.

Accordion player needed. Please contact Marie.

Thank you for all the dentist recommendations.

Any suggestions for a good window person?

I have a fairly large Australian tree fern. My house does not have enough light for it to winter over. Anyone with indoor space and good light?

All hanging folders have been spoken for.

My daughter recently began violin lessons and needs a half-size bow. She is growing like a weed, and I know that she will soon need a 3/4 size. She is a sweet, responsible girl.

Does anyone know of a landscaper or handyperson who does bushhogging?

Does anyone have a recommendation for a competent, noncharlatan podiatrist in the area?

There is a wonderful florist in town. If you have never dropped in, I encourage you to do so! She has quite an eye.

Do you still need moving boxes? We just moved and have a fair amount.

Can anyone recommend a great restaurant in Boston?

I am seeking a reliable and trustworthy person in the area who can repair antique clocks. Thanks for any suggestions!

So sorry for the second intrusion, but I am really hoping to get rid of my TV before I move on Sunday morning. Please make an offer . . .

Just in time for the holidays, I’m looking for a way to machine-quilt a queen-size quilt. Thanks in advance for any leads.

Anyone know a bakery still selling apple pies for Thanksgiving?

Any typewriter collectors out there? Or know any?

My neighbors are selling their car, and I offered to post the ad. They are trustworthy folks.

We found about six pounds of plaster of paris with the binding and petroleum jelly in our storage. Yours for picking up.

We are letting go of yet another bed.

Plaster of paris claimed!

Anyone know of a good real estate agent? Mine keeps telling me he doesn’t want to show me houses for one reason or another and has been extremely flaky.

Mahogany soprano ukulele by Ohana with carrying case. In perfect condition, barely touched.

Dark-brown loafers and travel wallet taken! Other shoes, including these boat shoes (worn once) still available!

Ukulele taken! Thank you.

My niece is selling her washer and dryer. See picture below.

Wanted: ukulele. Is anyone looking to sell?

We’re looking for a responsible animal lover to take care of our energetic dog (and three low-maintenance cats).

We are looking to collect as many plastic water bottles as possible (with lids!) in the next two weeks. Have some lying around?

Pardon the intrusion. We are looking for empty water-dispenser bottles (the large, multigallon, blue-tinted kind).

To everyone who responded to my inquiry about plumbers, thank you! There was a resounding endorsement of Watertight.

Greetings, does anyone in the community have a decent-quality professional French horn they want to let go of?

Good morning! If you are interested in learning Spanish with a native speaker, I have many years of experience teaching both neutral Latin American accent and Castilian!

I have some lovely green dishes made in very early twentieth-century China that unfortunately test positive for lead. What can I do with them?

Can anyone recommend a reputable radon mitigation contractor in the area? Thank you!

Do you have a one- or two-burner hot plate I could borrow tomorrow? I’d return it to you at the end of the day. Lemme know!

Thanks to all who gave me names of radon mitigation contractors.

Hot plate found! Thanks.

Hello everyone! I have mistakenly received a box of safety-green reflective jackets (medium). I did not order these jackets. If you ordered these jackets, please let me know. Please also send proof that you actually ordered them.

Looking for drainage contractor: a contractor in the area who specializes in drainage. Thanks.

The sale continues: 2 large bins and 1 medium bin; 3 blue medium bins (I will clean these); variety of small bins; beautiful handcrafted wooden coat hook; 2 snowboards; 1 boogie board; 2 blue sleds; 1 Chagall lithograph; large luggage (white marks are scuffs, not mold) with leopard print inside; various canvas tote bags; faux sheepskin; furry pillow; skull pillow; heavy chrome toilet-paper holder; frappé machine used once; handcrafted rolling wooden dog (tail moves) and wooden Pooh Halloween door decoration (Piglet plays peekaboo); 2 van Gogh prints in great frames; game of mancala.

Hello, just a friendly warning: if you or your loved ones need to see a vascular specialist, do NOT see Dr. X in the Vascular Group in K. VERY dismissive and rude.

We’re looking for a fake fireplace to borrow for a show, hopefully one that looks a bit like this (see below).

Looking for fake cooked turkey for the school drama club production of Oliver! Does anyone have one to lend?

Anyone have leads for getting a large fake bird resembling a turkey vulture (including featherless red head) — this will be for outdoor use.

Thanks! Fake turkey found. Come see Oliver! the weekend of March 24!

I am giving away a zither in very good condition with two manuals and an extra pack of strings. Please contact me if you’re interested.

Good morning. I am hoping to trade someone American dollars for euros at an exchange rate of 1 euro to 1.13 dollars. I am looking for 100–200 euros. Thank you.

Seek moving “men”: need help from two strong backs on Monday, to move two pieces of furniture down a narrow staircase.

Pardon the intrusion here. Any recommendations for a local and reliable tuck-pointer?

Area resident is looking to find a new home for 100–200 indoor plants that are 40+ years old. Plants include: cacti, begonias, money plants, ferns, Norfolk Island pines, etc.

Seeking old-style card file cabinet with drawers — inside width of drawer must be slightly greater than six inches (this is for storing paper packets containing specimens of mosses and lichens).

Hi, all. We are in the market for a new car, preferably in wilderness green. We want to see what wilderness green looks like. If anyone owns one and is willing to let us look at it, we’d be much obliged.

I need someone to clean the gutters on my house, or help clean my gutters, or hold the ladder while I clean them.

Looking for the leaves of a sweet gum tree for a very hungry luna moth caterpillar. If you have a sweet gum tree or know where I can find one, I, and the caterpillar, would be grateful.

We need more nesting swallows for a study — do you have a swallow nesting on your property?

I’m beginning to plan a family trip to Hawaii. Is there anyone out there with lots of knowledge who would be willing to chat with me about Hawaii?

Thanks for the outpouring of messages directing me to more nearby sweet gum trees than I ever imagined. Caterpillar is feasting.

Hello all, from a notary: I am a notary in need of a notary who can notarize a quitclaim deed.

Sorry for this question, but does anyone know of a preferably small and quiet banjo I might borrow or rent for two weeks? My banjo player is arriving from France with no banjo. Apologies for the intrusion!

Eggs and goat meat for sale. The girls were very busy this week, despite the heat. The goat meat may taste of basil.

Two goldfish that were bought as very small fish for a five-gallon tank and have grown to 3 and 4 inches are getting too large for the tank. Free to anyone who will come and get them.

My son needs a piano. Does anyone have an upright that stays in tune they aren’t using?

I am looking for old newspapers for wrapping up items to pack securely.

Is anyone interested in bagged leaves from the past winter?

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