Immodest Proposal,

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From replies to the following November 2020 Craigslist post: “My sister is having an outdoor wedding in New Canaan, Connecticut, in May. I want someone to be naked in the woods and to run through the wedding in order to ruin it.”

Looking to lay waste to your sister’s special day? I am intrigued. And fast. I am very fast.

I love being nude, and cake. I think I could be just what you’re looking for.

I’m not particularly attractive. We could make this work. Will anyone at the event be carrying firearms?

I’d like to wear sunglasses.

I’d like to use body paint or props. Please consider me for the role. I’ve always dreamed of doing something like this.

Just a few questions: 1) Does the couple deserve it? They’re having a wedding during a pandemic so I’m already feeling like fuck them. 2) Would you like me to rub oil all over my body? 3) Will I be in the wedding photos? I could paste foliage to my body.

There are few things in life I would cherish more than the opportunity to ruin a Fairfield County wedding. I can offer athleticism, a disdain for the bourgeoisie, and absolute shamelessness. Is there a plan in place to assure the naked person’s safe escape?

I’m in Long Island and don’t give a fuck. What’s the compensation?

My rates are very fair.

I will happily provide my services. Let’s say $75?

I am completely and totally willing to do this for a Philly cheesesteak. I have like-minded friends.

I will do it for three shots of Sailor Jerry rum. I live in Florida.

I will fucking do this for free, bro.

I have a bunch of people who would like to participate and am considering personally funding a bus for your cause.

I have a large number of skydivers who will absolutely participate.

I’m from Norway and I will come.

How many naked people would it be?

Can I get a plus-one?

I’m hairy, a good runner, and crazy.

I am six feet tall and just under one hundred and forty pounds, although I can’t guarantee my lanky figure for the event as I am currently on a workout plan.

I have over forty years of running experience. My first semipro race was in the first grade. I was selected for my school’s field day. I won by a long shot. I have competed in numerous quarter- and half-marathons. I was registered to run the New York Marathon but COVID-19 took that away from me. I’m your man.

I was made for this. I love ruining weddings and having people stare at me. Also, I am very fast.

Ruining weddings is a specialty of mine.

This is something I do frequently.

I am really good at this.

I want this.

I am all in.

Respond for references.