From factors professional athletes have invoked since 2000 in explaining why they tested positive for banned substances.

Whiskey

Ten burgers and two steaks from Mexico

Uncastrated wild boar meat

Deer musk glands applied as a treatment for being struck by lightning

Medical waste splashed by heavy rainfall

Testosterone cream applied by a resentful massage therapist

Medication taken to get rid of a double chin

Cocaine ingested by kissing a woman in a nightclub

Sinus medication ingested by kissing one’s girlfriend

Menstruation medication ingested by drinking from the same glass as one’s wife

Residual foreign blood from a vanishing twin absorbed by the body before birth

Ghosts