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From unsolicited letters sent to Aileen Cannon, a federal judge in the Southern District of Florida, after she announced that she would appoint a special master to review documents removed from the White House and taken to Mar-a-Lago by members of the outgoing Trump Administration.

Dear Judge Cannon:

I’m writing to express my willingness and desire to serve as special master in the Donald Trump matter. I am an apolitical attorney. My only goal is to help you reach a just decision. I know this is a long shot.

Best regards,
A. G.


Dear Clerk:

I am a retired person—since age thirty-nine—who is currently a hobbyist in the film and music industries. I also have special knowledge pertaining to certain White House documents sent to the Trump transition committee prior to his inauguration. These documents were sensitive to U.S. security. The nature of these documents pertains to technology being developed by my artificial intelligence research at Secret Handshake Corporation. Therefore I humbly petition myself as special master. My requirements include: a military motorcade, a budget for the inclusion of staff, emergency security clearance, and a room comparable to my current private residence at Trump International Hotel.

J. I.


Dear Judge Cannon (or is it Dear Your Honor?):

I write you about a news item which I saw in the online edition of the New York Times today. It said you were leaning toward the appointment of a special master to review items recently taken from Mar-a-Lago. I’m not quite sure what the job specifications are for such an assignment, but I would like to offer my services. I’m only a retired businessman with an amateur interest in history, politics, and law, but I promise you I would perform the task to the best of my abilities. Of course I wouldn’t expect to be paid. That would mess with my social security. Where do I send my résumé?

Your friend in jurisprudence,
P. R.

P.S. I do have a connection to your “Southern District of Florida,” as both of my parents are buried there. I have fond memories of visiting them in the previous century.