Weekly Review — July 6, 2017, 11:31 am

Weekly Review

Men in Florida, Ohio, and D.C. get into trouble…

An Arizona man wearing a bullet-proof vest shot a police officer with a bow and arrow; an Oklahoma man who in 2004 told the Secret Service that Satan made him drive his car into a monument to the Ten Commandments drove to Arkansas and crashed his car into another monument to the Ten Commandments; a Florida man impersonating a police officer was arrested for pulling over a police officer; the residents of a town in Kentucky reportedly elected a pit bull as their mayor; a Maryland man arrested for robbing a convenience store was released from jail and then arrested again for attempting to rob the same store; a Michigan man set his garage on fire while attempting to blow up a nest of bees with fireworks; a Minnesota man attempted to avoid being arrested on a drug charge by giving the officer a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card; a man in Missouri kidnapped his sister to prevent her from marrying; an unemployed Michigan salesman, who in 2003 became the first person to survive an unprotected jump off of Niagara Falls during a suicide attempt and then became a daredevil, jumped off of Niagara Falls with a seven-foot snake, and died; a man in New York ate 72 hotdogs in ten minutes; a North Carolina man forced a family at gunpoint to shop at Target; an Ohio man removed his prosthetic leg and hit his wife in the head with it; a shirtless Washington man walking down a highway dragging a dead raccoon tied to a rope was shot twice in the leg by a passing motorist who mistook the animal for a dead dog; a West Virginia man broke into a house, ransacked it, fell asleep in the owner’s bed, and was awoken by police; and a Washington, D.C. man who formerly sold vodka and ran a teen beauty pageant before being elected president of the United States did not respond publicly to reports that he hung a fake Time magazine cover featuring a portrait of himself in at least four of his golf courses, tweeted that a talk-show host who called his hands small was “bleeding badly from a face-lift” and that another host was a “psycho,” banned the press from attending a fundraiser he threw for himself at his own hotel, threatened during the fundraiser to sue CNN, promised during another speech not to call CNN “fake news” provided they continue to film him, tweeted incorrectly that CNN’s ratings were down, and then tweeted a video of himself at WrestleMania XXIII body slamming, mounting, and punching another man, whose face in the footage had been overlaid with the logo for CNN by a Reddit user named HanAssholeSolo, who has previously written about putting a cat in a blender, bringing punch blades to Paris in case he needed to hit “Islamic fucks,” and calculating the number of “shitloads” in a “fuck ton,” which he claimed was 4,000,000,000,000.[1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20][21][22][23][24]

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Abby was a breech birth but in the thirty-one years since then most everything has been pretty smooth. Sweet kid, not a lot of trouble. None of them were. Jack and Stevie set a good example, and she followed. Top grades, all the way through. Got on well with others but took her share of meanness here and there, so she stayed thoughtful and kind. There were a few curfew or partying things and some boys before she was ready, and there was one time on a school trip to Chicago that she and some other kids got caught smoking crack cocaine, but that was so weird it almost proved the rule. No big hiccups, master’s in ecology, good state job that lets her do half time but keep benefits while Rose is little.

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1/5

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