Weekly Review

By Genevieve Smith

A Christian martyr.

After a trial based predominantly on classified evidence, much of which could not be discussed with the defendants, U.S. District Judge Richard Leon ordered the release of five Algerian prisoners from Guantanamo Bay, where they have been held without charge for seven years based on a single, unidentified source. “To allow enemy combatancy to rest on so thin a reed,” said Leon, “would be inconsistent with this court's obligation.” The judge called upon the Justice Department to accept his ruling, saying that the Algerians deserve to go home and that an appeal would keep the prisoners at Guantanamo for two additional years; more than 100 cases related to the prison camp, which President-elect Barack Obama has promised to close, were under review by federal judges.^{1 2} Retail prices fell to their lowest point since 1989, oil fell below $50 a barrel, and the Bureau of Labor Statistics announced that the Consumer Price Index fell by 1 percent in October--the sharpest drop in the 61 years the index has been tracked.^{3 4} Federal regulators planned to bail out Citigroup with $20 billion in direct investment as well as over $300 billion in loan and securities guarantees,⁵ Congress voted to extend unemployment benefits by at least seven weeks, ⁶ and Focus on the Family announced that it would fire 149 people.⁷ Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, then gave a televised interview as other turkeys were slaughtered in the background. “It's nice to get out,” she said as an upended turkey was killed, “and participate in something that isn't so heavy-handed politics that it invites criticism.”⁸ Senator Ted Stevens, a felon, lost his seat to Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich, for whom he promised to pray,⁹ and Minnesota continued to examine ballots cast in the Senate race between Al Franken and incumbent Norm Coleman; both parties challenged the legitimacy of some ballots, including one in which a voter chose both Franken and the “Lizard People.”¹⁰ Barack Obama's transition team continued to name cabinet members, including former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle as the new secretary of health and human services, chairman of the New York Federal Reserve Tim Geithner as the secretary of treasury, and New York Senator Hillary Clinton as secretary of state.^{11 12 13} The word “meh,” defined as “an expression of indifference or boredom” was added to the Collins English Dictionary.¹⁴

Pirates stole a Saudi oil supertanker off the coast of Somalia and demanded a $25 million ransom,¹⁵ and gorillas were dying in the crossfire after Congolese rebel fighters took over a gorilla sanctuary.¹⁶ New evidence suggested that Adolf Hitler was monorchic, or single-testicled, having lost the other in the Battle of the Somme in 1916.¹⁷ The senior police officer in Tokyo responsible for catching drunk drivers was caught driving drunk,¹⁸ and men in Japan were wearing bras.¹⁹ Global atomic inspectors suggested that Iran has enough nuclear material to make one atomic bomb,²⁰ and a congressional advisory panel found that China has stolen “vast amounts of sensitive information from U.S. computer networks,” including government networks.²¹ A Chinese-born scientist working in Virginia pleaded guilty to selling military secrets to the Chinese for their space program,²² and an astronaut working to clean and lube the International Space Station's deteriorating exterior lost a $100,000 tool bag. “We're jacking up the International Space Station, taking the wheels off,” said NASA Commander Christopher Ferguson, "and we're bound to get a little dirty, a little dusty, and meet a few surprises along the way.''^{23 24}

The U.S. National Intelligence Council released a report to U.S. policymakers intended to prepare them for a future of waning U.S. influence as countries including China, India, and Russia grow in standing. The report suggests the dollar may be replaced as the world's major currency, and that demand for oil, food, and water “will outstrip easily available supplies” and lead to global conflicts. “Conditions will be ripe for disaffection, growing radicalism... youths into terrorist groups... all current technologies are inadequate. This,” it concluded, “is a story with no clear outcome.” ^{25 26} The Center for Disease Control and Prevention found that Burlington, Vermont, is the healthiest city in America,²⁷ and scientists at the University of Georgia discovered that, like humans, rats can think about thinking.²⁸ Radek Sikorski, Poland's foreign minister, denied saying that Barack Obama's relatives were cannibals who ate Polish missionaries. “Mr. Sikorski did not tell a racist joke,” said a spokesman. “He was only giving an example of unpalatable and racist jokes.”²⁹ Al Qaeda released an English-subtitled video in which commander Ayman al-Zawahri refers to Barack Obama and Condoleezza Rice as “house Negroes,” ³⁰ and Muhammad Sven Kalisch, Germany's first professor of Islamic theology, declared that the Prophet Muhammad likely never existed, and also expressed doubts about the origin of the Koran. “God,” explained Kalisch, “doesn't write books.”³¹ Prince, who wrote and performed the songs “International Lover,” “Cream,” and “Jack U Off,” spoke out against gay marriage. “God came to earth,” said Prince, “and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, 'Enough.' ” ³²