- Current Issue
SIGN IN to access Harper’s Magazine
1. Sign in to Customer Care using your account number or postal address.
2. Select Email/Password Information.
3. Enter your new information and click on Save My Changes.
Subscribers can find additional help here. Not a subscriber? Subscribe today!
7:40 AM: Rahm Emanuel enters Oval Office, gives Obama secret Illuminati handshake, says, “Good morning, Comrade President. The Iranian ambassador is here to discuss his scheme to undermine America’s security.” Obama says, “Show him right in.”
9:05 AM: Snack of sweetened camel milk served with dates, figs, pita and hummus. Then Iranian ambassador exits White House through secret tunnel so Fox News won’t see him.
10 AM: Editors of New York Times, Washington Post, New Yorker arrive to receive weekly instructions.
10 PM: In private quarters, Obama, Michelle are so moved watching PBS documentary on suffering of poor widows and children of al Qaeda suicide bombers, they decide to make contribution.
11 PM: Bong hits, anal sex, then sleep.
2:25 AM: Succubus enters bedroom, mounts sleeping President and has her way with him while whispering demonic instructions for next day. –“A day in the life of Obama (as envisioned by a typical Republican),” Lewis Grossberger, True/Slant
Our future looks grim. International relations are still hindered by expansionist national endeavors and a lack of mutual trust. The responsible parties are still stuck with outdated goals and standards for success and are thus unable to consider pioneering global solutions. The rulers of the world still think that the mightiest will win! But as long as might and size are what defines success, peaceful cooperation among peoples and cultures will remain a goal of the distant future. How many more wars do we need to understand that the political distinction of cultures and nations is not tenable? –“The West as a Role Model,” Reinhard Mohn, The Globalist
Reverse anti-Semitism, or why banning the iPad in Israel is a secret plot to avoid global domination;
there will be no second Dunkirk, ladies and gentlemen;
green jobs in the red, skies still blue (not really)
Dear Editors of The Conflagrated Hen,
The decision to reject The Conflagrated Hen was a carefully considered one. As you know, decisions about where to publish are quite subjective, and perhaps less about any one journal in particular than about the collection of literary magazines in which a writer hopes to see his or her work, and to have it seen by others.
Furthermore, I am currently overwhelmed by calls for submissions. For any given piece, I have at least five hundred literary journals and magazines to choose from. I wouldn’t dare submit simultaneously, so there really are very few publications that actually make the cut (in particular among those that take over two years to respond to submissions).
In the future, rather than soliciting work from seasoned writers, you might try for work from undergraduate writing workshops, whose members tend to be much less selective about where their work is published.
Eventually, someone might start paying attention to you.
Rachel Levy –“Dear Editors,” Rachel Levy, Swink
Lest we forget: they are still fighting a war on the Korean peninsula;
yes, you can bribe ADD kids, and not just with drugs!
New York is completely unfair; result: your kid is dumb
More from TedRoss:
Chances that a deep breath inhaled today will contain a molecule from Julius Caesar’s dying breath:
Innumeracy: Mathematical Illiteracy and Its Consequences, by John Allen Paulos, Hill and Wang (N.Y.C.)
The earth once had three moons; the two lost moons may have crashed into the surviving moon, or been sucked into the sun, or flung out of the solar system to drift through deep space.
In Florida, an 87-year-old World War II veteran flying touch-and-go drills in a Cessna collided with an airborne skydiver. “There was a ‘woof’ sound,” said a witness, “like falling on your face into your pillow.”
Subscribe to the Weekly Review newsletter. Don’t worry, we won’t sell your email address!
“American politics has often been an arena for angry minds.”