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A 15-year-old schoolgirl named Malala Yousafzai was flown from Pakistan to the United Kingdom for medical care after being shot in the head by masked Taliban militants in the Swat Valley. Yousafzai, who at the age of 11 began blogging for the BBC’s Urdu service under the pseudonym Gul Makai (“cornflower”), was targeted for championing girls’ education rights. “She has become a symbol of Western culture in the area,” said a Taliban spokesman. “She symbolizes the brave girls of Swat,” said a local filmmaker. Members of the Pakistani Taliban said they would target journalists for giving the attempted assassination “undue” coverage and for unfairly portraying the Taliban as the “worst people on earth.” While performing in Los Angeles, Madonna dedicated a striptease and a song to Yousafzai. “Do you realize,” asked Madonna, “how sick that is?” Australian prime minister Julia Gillard spoke for 15 minutes on the floor of the country’s House of Representatives after Tony Abbott, the leader of the conservative opposition, castigated her for supporting Peter Slipper, who resigned as house speaker following the publication of text messages he sent likening the female genitalia to “shell-less mussels.” “Another day of shame for a government which should already have died of shame,” said Abbott, echoing comments made by a radio host who suggested that Gillard’s recently deceased father had “died of shame” at his daughter’s behavior as prime minister. “Now he is looking at his watch,” Gillard said of Abbott, who was across from her on the House floor, “because apparently a woman’s spoken too long.” A charity in Belfast prepared to open Ireland’s first abortion facility. “What is the need for this clinic?” asked a Protestant lawmaker. “There couldn’t possibly be one.”
Mitt Romney, campaigning in Iowa, said that there was “no legislation with regards to abortion that I’m familiar with that would become part of my agenda”; several hours later, the candidate’s spokeswoman said that a Romney administration “would, of course, support legislation aimed at providing greater protections for life.” In a debate with Republican vice-presidential nominee Paul Ryan, Vice President Joe Biden said that the Obama Administration had received no requests for additional security from the U.S. consulate attacked last month in Benghazi. In testimony before a congressional committee, Lt. Col. Andrew Wood, who until August led a 16-person diplomatic-security detachment in Libya, said several such requests had gone unmet. “We were the last flag flying,” said Wood. “It was a matter of time.” Former Pennsylvania senator Arlen Specter died of complications from non-Hodgkin lymphoma. “Arlen wanted to die in the Senate,” said Pennsylvania governor Ed Rendell, “and in many ways he should have.” In the United Kingdom, David Cameron’s government announced plans to raise from “reasonable” to “disproportionate” the level of violent self-defense legally available to those being burgled, but cautioned homeowners not to engage in any “grossly disproportionate” acts. “You couldn’t, for instance, stab a burglar if they were unconscious,” said Cameron. A woman aquabiking off the French Riviera was attacked by an octopus, and Jean-François Copé, the secretary general of France’s center-right opposition, lamented what he said was widespread bullying of French youths by devout Muslims. “There are areas,” said Copé, “where children cannot even eat their pains au chocolat because it’s Ramadan.”
NASA’s Curiosity team announced the results of the Mars rover’s examination of Jake Matijevic. In Iceland, where young leftists endorsed the construction of a vulva museum and cafégoers paid extra to have their coffee served to them angrily, chemists concluded that bits of sausage left outside a dog show south of Reykjavík last month were laced with rat poison. “It is an inexplicable act,” said the director of Rex, a local dog-owners’ club. A Russian antigay organization in St. Petersburg called for an investigation into milk labeled with rainbows, and the Tunisian children’s magazine Rainbow published a guide to making Molotov cocktails. Researchers found that slime molds have difficulty navigating slime-covered mazes and that Chinese soft-shelled turtles living on dry land seek out puddles in which to urinate orally. Newts halted the construction of a primary school in Northamptonshire. Orthodox Christians on Mount Athos, an autonomous monastic republic in northeastern Greece where the only females allowed are cats, took in pilgrims seeking respite from the financial crisis in the European Union, which was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Paddy Roy Bates, monarch of Sealand, an unrecognized principality located on a World War II–era artillery platform six miles off the British coast, died at the age of 91. A man in Mobile, Alabama, pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a miniature horse named Ebony Ice. “It’s pretty disturbing, probably top 10 disturbing case,” said Judge Joseph “Rusty” Johnston. “The horse,” said defense attorney Robert “Cowboy Bob” Clark, “is not able to procreate.” A rhesus macaque who has been roaming Tampa Bay for several years mauled a local woman. “I don’t go outside very often,” said the victim’s daughter. “I don’t trust the monkey.”
More from Anthony Lydgate:
Weekly Review — April 8, 2014, 8:00 am
Afghanistan votes, the U.S. Supreme Court rules in favor of wealthy political donors, and China standardizes its pets
Flor Arely Sánchez had been in bed with a fever and pains throughout her body for three days when a July thunderstorm broke over the mountainside. She got nervous when bolts of light flashed in the sky. Lightning strikes the San Julián region of western El Salvador several times a year, and her neighbors fear storms more than they fear the march of diseases — first dengue, then chikungunya, now Zika. Flor worried about a lot of things, since she was pregnant.
Late in the afternoon, when the pains had somewhat eased, Flor thought she might go to a dammed-up bit of the river near her house to bathe. She is thirty-five and has lived in the same place all her life, where wrinkled hills are planted with corn, beans, and fruit trees. She took a towel and soap and walked out into the rain. Halfway to the river, the pains returned and overcame her. The next thing Flor remembers, she was in a room she didn’t recognize, unable to move. As she soon discovered, she was in a hospital, her ankle cuffed to the bed, and she was being investigated for abortion.
Amount the town of Rolfe, Iowa, will pay anyone who builds a home there:
Ancient Egyptians worshiped some dwarves as gods.
In Italy, a judge ordered that a man who paid for sex with a 15-year-old girl must buy her 30 feminist-themed books, including The Diary of Anne Frank and the poems of Emily Dickinson.
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“Matt was happy enough to sustain himself on the detritus of a world he saw as careening toward self-destruction, and equally happy to scam a government he despised. 'I’m glad everyone’s so wasteful,' he told me. 'It supports my lifestyle.'”