Weekly Review — August 22, 2006, 12:00 am

Weekly Review

[Image: A grasshopper driving a chariot, 1875]

Hezbollah declared victory in its 34-day war with Israel. “I guess,” said President George W. Bush, “I would have done the same thing if I were them.” Prime Minister Ehud Olmert pledged that Israel would “do better” in what Defense Minister Amir Peretz referred to as “the next round.” An official said killing Hezbollah leader Sheikh Nasrallah was a top priority.The Daily Telegraph (Australia)Dan Halutz, chief of staff of the Israeli Defense Forces, was under fire for selling all of his stocks in the hours before the war began.The Wall Street JournalThe New York TimesThe Daily Telegraph (UK)The New York TimesBreitbart.comIsraeli troops detained a Hamas legislator in the West Bank and engaged Hezbollah guerillas in a shootout near Boudai, Lebanon.The Wall Street JournalIn South Africa, Shlomo Goldwasser, father of an Israeli soldier kidnapped by Hezbollah on July 12, urged the world to defeat his son’s captors. “If Israel won’t finish the job, you will find them here,” he said. “They will kidnap your sons.”Independent Online, South AfricaPeople for the Ethical Treatment of Animals announced that it was willing to work with Hezbollah to aid suffering Lebanese animals. CNSNews.comSyrian President Bashar Assad called those who doubted Hezbollah “half men,” an Arab newspaper called Assad a rose that failed to bloom, Jerusalem Postand VirginiaSenator George Allen called an Indian-American man with a mullet a “macaca.”Washington Post

Snipers killed 20 pilgrims at a Shiite festival in Baghdad; a government employee noted that it was an improvement over last year, when nearly a thousand died in stampedes. The New York TimesSenatorBarack Obama called the Iraq war “dumb.” Harrisburg Daily RegisterRussia sent text messages to Chechen rebels telling them to stop fighting,St. Petersburg Timesand Rwanda announced plans to end the death penalty for genocidiers.BBCThe Sri Lankan air force bombed an orphanage and killed dozens of schoolgirls, and the Tamil Tigers failed to kill the High Commissioner of Pakistan with an exploding rickshaw.GuardianIran was launching missiles at Kurds and cracking down on “decadent” satellite dishes. Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei vowed the country would continue to pursue its nuclear program “forcefully,” and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said the United States “should be disarmed.” Middle East TimesShimon Peres had dinner with ConnecticutDemocratic Senate nominee Ned Lamont, The New York TimesThe Penninsula (Qatar)The New York Timesand Republicans were, in general, neglecting their party’s candidate in favor of Senator Joseph I. Lieberman, who said that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld should resign. The New York TimesPacifist ex-NaziGnther Grass got to keep his Nobel Prize, The New York TimesThe Australianand Pluto retained its status as a planet. The New York TimesAn epidemic of bird flu among geese in northern China was driving up the price of badminton shuttlecocks,CNNand two wild swans in Lake Erie contracted a low-grade strain of the virus.Yahoo! NewsColombia began exporting its big-butt queen ants (Hormiga culona), which taste like juicy popcorn when toasted.The Penninsula (Qatar)An empty submarine suspected of cocaine smuggling was found floating off the coast of Spain,BBCVenezuelans were spending their oil money on Scotch whiskey, The New York Timesand American guitars were dominating Japan. MSNFive Uighurs found life in Albania “better than Guantnamo” but longed to move to Toronto.The New York Times

In Thailand, a preoperative transsexual named John M. Karr claimed to have been present for JonBenet Ramsey’s 1996 death, which he called “an accident.” The New York TimesBenedict XVI complained that being pope is “really tiring” and emphasized that “seeing the funny side of life” is crucial to his ministry. Yahoo! NewsIt was reported that U.S. military recruiting violations rose in 2005, as did the number of troops discharged for homosexuality.Washington PostHouston’s rising crime rate was blamed on refugees from New Orleans, which has been gripped by a baby boom.The New York TimesBreitbart.comOfficials in Canton, Ohio, decided that a 13 percent pregnancy rate among its high schools’ females justified moving beyond an abstinence-only approach to sex education, LA TimesLocal6.comand a secretly pregnant 21-year-old in Florida went into labor, sneaked out of her parents’ house, crashed her car into a canal, then delivered standing up in the wreckage. She named the baby Myracle.Palm Beach PostDoctors in India speculated that the birth of a one-eyed girl might be attributable to her mother’s exposure to Cyclopamine, a cancer drug derived from wild corn lily that causes cyclopia in sheep.Wired NewsSouth Korean DNA tests on tissues obtained during a 2003 hysterectomy indicated that a Frenchwoman was the mother of two rotting infant corpses found in a freezer at her home in Seoul, but she and her husband denied any relationship to the dead babies.Digital ChosunilboIn Germany a man was struck on the back of the neck by projectile human feces, then robbed of $9,554 by three people who offered to clean him off.ReutersSir Mick Jagger lost his voice, The Daily Maila Chicago ice-cream-truck driver was shot dead behind the wheel,Local6.comand a tree in Texas was mysteriously spouting water from its bark.San Antonio Express-News

Share
Single Page

More from Christian Lorentzen:

From the April 2019 issue

Like This or Die

The fate of the book review in the age of the algorithm

Weekly Review November 4, 2008, 12:00 am

Weekly Review

Weekly Review July 29, 2008, 12:00 am

Weekly Review

Get access to 169 years of
Harper’s for only $23.99

United States Canada

CATEGORIES

THE CURRENT ISSUE

July 2019

New Books

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

The Trials of Vasily Grossman

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Ramblin’ Man

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

“Just Keep Going North”

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

El Corralón

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Marmalade Sky

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

view Table Content

FEATURED ON HARPERS.ORG

Article
“Just Keep Going North”·

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

On February 5, 2019, the president of the United States (a certain Donald Trump) in his State of the Union speech warned of “migrant caravans and accused Mexican cities of busing migrants to the border ‘to bring them up to our country in areas where there is little border protection.’ ”? Wishing to see the border for myself, I decided to visit Arizona, where my ignorance of local conditions might save me from prejudgment.

Post
English Referendums and Scotch Voters·

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

After years of post-Brexit uncertainty, Scotland’s independence movement has become resurgent

Article
No Joe!·

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

In the heart of the US Capitol there’s a small men’s room with an uplifting Franklin Delano Roo­sevelt quotation above the door. Making use of the facilities there after lunch in the nearby House dining room about a year ago, I found myself standing next to Trent Lott. Once a mighty power in the building as Senate Republican leader, he had been forced to resign his post following some imprudently affectionate references to his fellow Republican senator, arch-segregationist Strom Thurmond. Now he was visiting the Capitol as a lucratively employed lobbyist.

Article
Marmalade Sky·

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

On a November Saturday in 1990, Pam went over to Joe’s place to listen to records. It was raining in sheets that whipped around the corners of buildings and blowing so hard that women in heels were taking men’s arms to cross the street. Cars were plowing bow waves through puddles of scum.

As Joe was letting Pam into the apartment, a man emerged from the bedroom with a square sheet of black plastic in his hand and said, “Hey, man, you have the Sassy Sonic Youth flexi!”

Article
New Books·

= Subscribers only.
Sign in here.
Subscribe here.

Discussed in this essay:

Semicolon: The Past, Present, and Future of a Misunderstood Mark, by Cecelia Watson. Ecco. 224 pages. $19.99.

Four Men Shaking: Searching for Sanity with Samuel Beckett, Norman Mailer, and My Perfect Zen Teacher, by Lawrence Shainberg. Shambhala. 144 pages. $16.95.

Japanese Tales of Lafcadio Hearn, edited by Andrei Codrescu. Princeton University Press. 224 pages. $22.95.

Cost of renting a giant panda from the Chinese government, per day:

$1,500

A recent earthquake in Chile was found to have shifted the city of Concepción ten feet to the west, shortened Earth’s days by 1.26 microseconds, and shifted the planet’s axis by nearly three inches.

Boaty McBoatface, an autonomous underwater vehicle that was named in a 2016 internet poll, discovered that stronger Antarctic winds, the result of a growing hole in the ozone layer, have been causing more ocean turbulence, which in turn has raised sea levels and temperatures.

Subscribe to the Weekly Review newsletter. Don’t worry, we won’t sell your email address!

HARPER’S FINEST

Happiness Is a Worn Gun

By

“Nowadays, most states let just about anybody who wants a concealed-handgun permit have one; in seventeen states, you don’t even have to be a resident. Nobody knows exactly how many Americans carry guns, because not all states release their numbers, and even if they did, not all permit holders carry all the time. But it’s safe to assume that as many as 6 million Americans are walking around with firearms under their clothes.”

Subscribe Today