Weekly Review

In Syria, Russian forces launched air strikes against rebel-held targets in the cities of Idlib and Aleppo, killing more than 90 people, and a nationwide ceasefire began, brokered by the United States and Russia and supported by the Syrian government. “We welcome the deal,” said an opposition spokesperson, “if it is going to be enforced.”^[1][2][3] Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson apologized for asking “What is Aleppo?” during a television interview about his foreign-policy agenda.^[4] Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein was charged with criminal trespass and criminal mischief for spray-painting a bulldozer at a protest against the construction of an oil pipeline in North Dakota.^[5] Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was diagnosed with pneumonia, and days later left an event commemorating the fifteenth anniversary of 9/11 because she felt overheated. “Why are you so sick?” shouted Martin Shkreli, the former CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals, who last year raised the price of the antiparasitic drug Daraprim by 5,500 percent.^[6][7][8]

John Hinckley, Jr., the man who shot President Ronald Reagan to impress Jodi Foster, was released from a psychiatric hospital in Washington, D.C., and French officials charged a 29-year-old woman with being involved in a foiled terrorist attack near Paris’s Notre Dame cathedral.^[9][10] Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte apologized for using the Tagalog term putang ina, which roughly translates as “son of a bitch,” in an apparent reference to U.S. president Barack Obama.^[11] A Dutch legislator wearing a Palestinian flag on his lapel refused to shake the hand of Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu during a state visit to the Netherlands.^[12] A 75-year-old woman in Germany caused 25,000 euros’ worth of damage by crashing her car into 14 parked vehicles, and a 24-year-old man in Austin overshot his parking spot and left his car dangling off the side of a parking garage.^[13][14] A tractor-trailer crashed on I-95 in Delaware, spilling 8 million blank pennies; a tractor-trailer caught fire on I-68 in Maryland, burning bacon and ribs; and a new ATM in Ohio was dispensing pizzas rather than money.^[15][16][17] New York mayor Bill de Blasio announced that 50,000 oysters were being distributed on beds made of porcelain from recycled toilets. ^[18] “This oyster bed,” said the mayor, “will serve multiple purposes.”^[19]

Apple’s marketing chief said that the company’s decision to discontinue the headphone jack on its latest iPhone had taken “courage,” and the Consumer Product Safety Commission advised Galaxy Note 7 owners to stop using their smartphones, lest they explode.^[20][21] A man in Kansas City, Missouri, thwarted an armed burglary by throwing his 30-pound television at the intruder; a 14-year-old boy in Salem, Oregon, used a power grinder to defend himself and his father from an intruder who was trying to bite their fingers and poke them with a screwdriver; and a 70-year-old man in Kansas City, Kansas, deliberately got himself arrested for bank robbery to avoid fixing the dryer for his wife.^[22][23][24] Researchers in Germany found that giraffes fall into four separate species, which do not mate with one another in the wild.^[25] A woman and her daughter were charged with incest after marrying in Oklahoma, and a series of clown sightings were reported in the Carolinas, including one incident in Greenville, South Carolina, where parents told police that a clown had attempted to lure their children into the forest. “The clowning around needs to stop,” said the police chief.^{[26][27][28][29]}