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A Missouri pastor apologized for calling his flock “poor, broke, busted, and disgusted” for not buying him a Movado watch.

In Australia, Scott Morrison, the former prime minister, was revealed to have secretly appointed himself to five additional ministries during the pandemic.1 Colleagues argued that the 54-year-old Morrison, who took a vacation during the country’s 2019–2020 bushfire season and traveled during a COVID-19 lockdown, should not resign from his current position in parliament.2 3 4 5 In Finland, Prime Minister Sanna Marin, a 36-year-old woman, took a drug test in response to criticism after she was seen dancing with friends.6 In Kenya, Vice President William Ruto, a wealthy businessman who was charged with crimes against humanity by the International Criminal Court, including murder, persecution, and the forcible transfer of populations, won the presidency with 50.5 percent of the vote over the former prime minister, Raila Odinga, a wealthy businessman who was implicated in a scheme to sell nonexistent gold to foreign leaders.7 8 9 10 Four of the seven electoral commissioners said they could not verify the result, leading to speculation of a legal challenge. “Vote one, two, three times, whatever,” the Georgia congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene was reported to have said of the U.S. midterm elections.11 The Wyoming congresswoman Liz Cheney, who voted with Donald Trump’s position almost 93 percent of the time but publicly opposed the storming of the U.S. Capitol building, lost a primary election to a Trump-backed challenger by over 30 points.12 13 Sarah Palin advanced in the primary for Alaska’s House seat, and Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell said that Republicans may not win full control of the legislative branch due to “candidate quality.”14 15 Scientists announced that an ancient creature resembling a wrinkly, baggy sac with no anus was not an ancestor of human beings.16

Officials in India announced that a gang had operated a fake police station from a hotel for eight months, potentially extorting money from hundreds, and an Indian government panel freed 11 men who had been serving life sentences for gang rape and murder during anti-Muslim riots in 2002.17 18 “The convicts were Brahmins and have good values,” said a member of the panel.19 A Florida court ruled that a 16-year-old girl was not “sufficiently mature” to choose to end her pregnancy, and it was reported that a Louisiana woman was denied an abortion after her fetus was revealed to have no skull.20 21 A Michigan group sought to block a state constitutional amendment guaranteeing abortion rights on the basis of its typography.22 “Fuck off, you fuckwads,” said the mayor of Peterborough, Ontario, in response to QAnon adherents who had tried to arrest local police officers for their role in the COVID-19 vaccine rollout.23 Disgraced opera star Plácido Domingo was linked to a sex-trafficking ring, disgraced pharmaceutical executive Martin Shkreli said that a 90 percent drop in the value of his cryptocurrency was linked to his download of a file called BigTitsRoundAsses.exe, and a Maltese priest was accused of spending nearly €150,000 on pornography.24 25 26 A Missouri pastor apologized for calling his flock “poor, broke, busted, and disgusted” for not buying him a Movado watch.27 “Let me kick down the door and talk to my cheap sons and daughters,” he had said. It was reported that a Jesuit order that had pledged to donate $100 million to atone for their use of slave labor had raised less than half of their initial goal.28

A Chinese woman won a lawsuit against a male co-worker for breaking three of her ribs with a hug, and a Tennessee woman was charged in the death of an inmate after passing him a bag of meth in a kiss.29 30 A Georgia murder suspect was arrested after calling police to complain that McDonald’s workers would not replace his cold fries, and a Florida teen was arrested after sending a “random text” to a county commissioner asking if he wanted to buy cocaine.31 32 It was reported that in California, a capuchin monkey named Route dialed 911, sending cops to a zoo.33 In New Zealand, a senior police officer resigned after referring to an ob-gyn as a “vagina whisperer,” and in Scotland, which became the first country to offer free menstrual products, officials in Tayside came under fire for appointing a man as the region’s period dignity officer.34 35 36 It was reported that a Welsh woman had been told to remove a license plate that appeared to read slut ho, which she had gotten after the suicide of her son.37 “It brought me joy every time I walked out the front door,” she said. “Life is short and I’m not going to die unhappy.” —Jon Edelman

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