Weekly Review
Russian president Vladimir Putin—whose supporters ran presidential campaign ads that showed a 52-year-old man, played by a popular police sitcom star, being conscripted into the army if Putin wasn’t reelected—announced indefinite extensions of military contracts, increased penalties for desertion, and drafted approximately 300,000 reservists, although it was reported that 1 million people will eventually be conscripted.1 2 3 4 Eligible men fled for the borders, and protesters flooded the streets, resulting in the arrest of more than 1,000, some of whom were then drafted.5 Demonstrations erupted across Iran, as well as parts of Syria and Iraq, following the murder of Mahsa Amini, a 22-year-old woman who died while in custody of Tehran’s Guidance Patrol; Amini had been detained for wearing what authorities had deemed a loose headscarf.6 7 8 Elon Musk, who is currently being sued for sexual harassment by seven former female Tesla employees, persuaded the U.S. government to forgo sanctions if he could successfully install his Starlink satellite internet service in Iran, thereby allowing its citizens to bypass censorship.9 10 In a record-low turnout, Italy elected its first female prime minister, Giorgia Meloni, who uses the fascist-era slogan “God, homeland, family” and who openly praised Benito Mussolini in a television interview.11 12 13 14 The British pound reached an all-time low valuation against the U.S. dollar following the burial of Queen Elizabeth II, who was laid to rest at an estimated cost of $2.6 billion to the country’s economy.15 16 Ceremonies for the deceased monarch, who was immune from traffic laws and police searches for looted cultural artifacts, were broadcast in public parks, cinemas, and the Pleasuredrome Spa in Waterloo, which bills itself as “the only gay venue in the U.K. that never closes.”17 18 19 20 Crematoria, food banks, and public lavatories were shuttered for the funeral, which was attended by royalty from around the world, a woman who led a campaign to save a Mancunian soccer team, the repressive Rwandan president Paul Kagame, and the former Grey’s Anatomy star Sandra Oh.21 22 23 24 25 26 27
Puerto Ricans experienced ongoing blackouts in the wake of Hurricane Fiona, and scientists found that children who are exposed to natural disasters in the womb have a higher risk of depression and anxiety.28 29 “Who knows how many kids have died unnecessarily?” said Lara Trump of investigations into her family’s financial dealings; former president Donald Trump was sued by New York State for an amount of fraud described as “staggering.”30 31 A man who stormed the Capitol on January 6, 2021, under the impression that it was the White House was convicted of all charges.32 “I’m not that smart,” said the Republican senate candidate Herschel Walker, of his chances in an upcoming debate against his Democratic opponent, who he said would “embarrass” him.33 It was reported that the doctors of a woman who terminated her pregnancy in 2018 are being sued by the embryo’s estate, and an Arizona judge ruled that a near-complete ban on abortion passed in 1864 must be enforced.34 35 have u been fucked by this /gov says tough shit, a vandal painted on the Washington Monument.36 After the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a warning against the cooking of “Sleepy Chicken”—poultry marinated in Nyquil—TikTok searches for the dish skyrocketed.37 38 A former paratrooper who was locked in a chicken coop by his three-year-old son was rescued by first responders, and it was reported that multiple American Airlines flights have been haunted by grunting, moaning, and groaning sounds, the source of which no one can identify.39 40 A Department of Transportation report revealed that there is no official map of U.S. time zones.41
“Well, you’ve fucked my cheesecake; game on!” an Australian man was reported to have said to a pair of home invaders who interrupted his baking.42 A Canadian who had glued himself to a bank was ordered to not possess adhesives outside his home.43 An accused serial burglar in Tulsa was identified by his SpongeBob SquarePants shorts and socks, and police announced that they had arrested a teenager in connection with a carjacking on Sesame Street.44 45 A University of Utah student was arrested after writing on social media that she would detonate the on-campus nuclear reactor if the school’s football team lost, and the chief operating officer of Beyond Meat was arrested for allegedly biting a man’s nose after a college football game.46 47 In Michigan, a cannibal pleaded guilty to killing and eating Kevin Bacon, a man he met on Grindr, and a Denver resident was found guilty of shooting a woman to death with an AK-47 in an argument over dog feces.48 49 The Crime Stoppers of Houston announced that they would no longer publicly read a list of the previous year’s murder victims because it had grown too long.50 It was revealed that Olympic National Park officials were relocating goats that had acquired a taste for human urine and that three chimpanzees had been kidnapped for ransom.51 52 Scientists announced that shy raccoons are better learners than aggressive ones, that kale is likelier to make fetuses grimace than carrots, and that a genetically modified form of herpes might kill cancer.53 54 55 It was reported that America does not have enough Adderall.56 —Jon Edelman
