The Federal Reserve—which had previously flagged major operational vulnerabilities at the recently collapsed Silicon Valley Bank, where nearly 50 percent of venture capital–backed tech firms held assets—lent a record $152.9 billion in emergency liquidity to financial institutions across the country.1 2 3 4 5 6 “Our banking system remains sound,” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, as an additional $30 billion was committed to prevent a third American bank from failing that week.7 8 “Only time will tell how this shotgun wedding is received,” said an economist regarding news that Switzerland’s largest bank, UBS, would be buying out the ailing Credit Suisse, whose stock plummeted after it admitted it also lacked “an effective risk assessment process” and whose clients have historically included alleged Bulgarian cocaine traffickers, a billionaire who’d put out a hit on his Lebanese pop star girlfriend, Ferdinand Marcos, and Venezuelan executives who’d plundered a state oil company; Credit Suisse had already been loaned $54 billion the previous week by Swiss authorities concerned about the reputation of the country’s financial sector.9 10 11 12 13 “We know that throwing money at this problem doesn’t work,” the Republican leader of the California Senate said of the state’s decision to combat homelessness by spending $30 million on 1,200 tiny homes that will be distributed by the National Guard.14 15 16 A report revealed that a portion of the British electric grid had been upgraded for the sole purpose of heating Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s new swimming pool, and Heathrow Airport criticized the 1,400 union workers who plan to strike over Easter for “threatening to ruin people’s hard-earned holidays.”17 18 After forcibly raising the legal retirement age, the Macron government survived two votes of no confidence, and the volume of uncollected trash in Paris reached 10,000 tons.19 20 21 “We want calmness out there,” said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy in a statement discouraging demonstrations in the event of Donald Trump’s indictment.22
Pornhub, whose parent company is currently being sued for allowing for the publication of sexually explicit videos of minors, was acquired for an undisclosed amount by Ethical Capital Partners.23 24 An investigation found that Infowars’ creator Alex Jones, who recently claimed “I’m officially out of money, personally,” has been quietly transferring millions of dollars to friends and family in order to avoid paying out the nearly $1.5 billion in legal damages he owes to Sandy Hook families.26 27 “We support accountability for perpetrators of war crimes,” a White House spokesperson said after an arrest warrant for Vladimir Putin was issued by the International Criminal Court, a body against which the United States passed a legislative provision in 2002 in order to prevent criminal charges from being brought against Americans involved in the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan.28 29 A United Nations agency issued an alert that 2.3 tons of uranium was missing in Libya, and a South African liquidator investigating high-level government corruption in a prison services company was shot dead.30 31 32 “True criticism I accept and I learn from,” said the longtime aide to the late Pope Benedict XVI regarding critiques of his recently published gossip-laden memoir of life at the Vatican, where he says he is still waiting to be given a new job.33 The leader of the Taliban issued a decree requiring government officials to fire all nepo babies.34 “Why do they want to interfere with my lifestyle and my party mood?” said a man in Kenya in response to government proposals to permit only one bar in each town.35 Chinese President Xi Jinping made his first diplomatic trip to Russia to reaffirm the two nations’ “no-limits friendship.”36 “There is a lack of love, of brotherhood, of hugs and embraces,” said the president of Mexico in response to a question about the fentanyl overdose crisis in the United States.37
A class-action suit against Buffalo Wild Wings alleges that customers are being misled by its Boneless Wings, which are “more akin, in composition, to a chicken nugget.”38 Heinz announced that starting this fall, ready-to-eat Lunchables with improved nutrition will be served in public schools nationwide.39 Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders signed into law a bill allowing for the construction of an anti-abortion “monument to the unborn” before the Arkansas State Capitol, as well as the Youth Hiring Act of 2023, which removed many restrictions for hiring minors, including the need for a permit signed by a parent or guardian.40 41 A publisher attempting to cater to Florida governor Ron DeSantis’s campaign against “woke indoctrination” was found to have omitted references to race in a passage about Rosa Parks in one of the textbooks it submitted for the state to review.42 A government review found that black employees at the Canadian Human Rights Commission had faced systemic discrimination, and Hong Kong’s Equal Opportunities Commission recommended that mainlanders be covered by the city’s anti-discrimination laws.43 44 The European Space Agency identified an asteroid that might hit Earth on Valentine’s Day 2046.45 —Maya Perry
