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[Weekly Review]

Weekly Review

ChatGPT passed an undergraduate quantum physics exam and immediately emailed the dean to ask for a better grade.

The 14th Dalai Lama, the 87-year-old spiritual leader of Tibet, apologized for telling a boy to suck his tongue.1 2 The 46th U.S. president, 80-year-old Joe Biden, received a standing ovation after encouraging Irish leaders to “lick the world.”3 4 Biden’s remarks were part of a four-day trip to Ireland, during which the second Catholic president addressed a group of his distant cousins in a pub, said that he didn’t know “why the hell my ancestors left here,” and confused the All Blacks rugby team with the Black and Tans, the British police force deployed during the Irish War of Independence.5 6 7 8 Documents containing sensitive details about the president’s trip were found on a Belfast street by a local man.9 Following the disclosure of classified documents that revealed that the United States was spying on allies, including Volodymyr Zelenskyy, that the United States doubts the Ukrainian military will make significant gains this spring, and that Russia nearly shot down a British plane by accident, the FBI arrested Jack Teixeira, a 21-year-old National Guard member, and charged him with the leaks.10 11 Teixeira is accused of sharing hundreds of secrets in a Discord server called “Thug Shakers Central,” devoted to guns, video games, and racist memes, from which they spread to servers focused on Minecraft and a Filipino YouTube celebrity named wow_mao.12 “That’s the kind of people who would find these documents—losers,” said wow_mao. “That’s who the U.S. government really has to fear.” A Capitol rioter who had modeled for the covers of romance novels, including Stepbrother UnSEALed: A Bad Boy Military Romance, was sentenced to three years in jail.13 A new brand called Conservative Dad’s Ultra Right 100% Woke Free American Beer was found to lack proper licensing.14

In Sudan, which has experienced 15 attempted coups, fighting erupted between forces loyal to General Abdel Fattah al-Burhan and those loyal to Lieutenant General Mohamed Hamdan, who had seized power as partners in 2021.15 16 “They come together when they need to resist reforms and democratic gains,” said the leader of a Khartoum-based think tank.17 A pro–Ron DeSantis group released its first commercials attacking Donald Trump, and a Trump-aligned Super PAC debuted an ad accusing DeSantis of eating pudding with his fingers.18 Mike Pence was booed at the NRA’s annual convention.19 20 It was reported that a particular make of SIG Sauer pistol had injured more than 80 people by firing without the trigger being pulled, and a Mississippi man was arrested after police found a gun concealed in a quesadilla.21 22 A West Virginia sheriff came under scrutiny for allowing schoolchildren to handle weapons at a career day.23 It was reported that a Massachusetts principal who was placed on leave after referring to pupils as “asshats” received an $80,000 settlement and that a Kansas principal resigned after student journalists revealed that her master’s and doctorate degrees were from a diploma mill.24 25 ChatGPT passed an undergraduate quantum physics exam and immediately emailed the dean to ask for a better grade, and the governor of Tennessee refused to waive state standardized testing requirements for students whose houses had been destroyed by a tornado.26 27 It was reported that the mayor of Flint, Michigan, which still has lead water pipes, used the city’s emergency alert system to promote an Easter egg hunt.28 29 A truck that was carrying 40,000 pounds of toxic soil from the Norfolk Southern derailment in Ohio crashed, spilling half its load.30

It was reported that applicants for Arkansas’s state boards and commissions are required to write 500 words about which of Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s accomplishments they most admire.31 New Jersey’s Department of Environmental Protection charged itself with destroying the habitats of two species of bird while it was trying to protect a different species of bird.32 At least 18,000 cows were killed after an explosion at a dairy farm, and an Argentinian mother called the police because she couldn’t tell her twins apart.33 34 South Korea passed a measure to give $490 a month to reclusive kids to encourage them to leave the house.35 “Safe in my apartment,” a woman who got stuck on her roof and was saved by her UberEats deliveryman posted on TikTok. “Plus, I have a burrito now.”36 It was reported that nearly a third of all shoplifters arrested in New York City were the same 327 people and that a Cincinnati woman had demanded reparations in the form of a discount from Target before being punched by a loss-prevention manager.37 38 “This is my Rosa Parks moment, dude,” the woman said. Two million dimes were stolen from a truck in Philadelphia.39 Oregon State Police asked a man to stop throwing hundred dollar bills from his car window to “bless others,” and Portland cops rescued a burglary suspect who had gotten tangled in a blackberry patch.40 41 Edmonton emergency responders freed a man who had become trapped in a piece of public art, then arrested him.42 “If you allow me to take a shower … I’ll see you in a little while,” a Spanish extreme athlete who spent 500 days in a cave told journalists waiting for her to emerge.43Jon Edelman

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