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[Readings]

Essential Miracle Workers

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From a letter sent in August by the chairman of the Fraternal Order of Real Bearded Santas to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Greetings from our nation’s front line.

We are founders of the modern, real-bearded Santa world. In 2009, our fraternity successfully petitioned the U.S. government to extend priority access to a swine-flu vaccination to professional Santas; this was based on numerous factors, including our advanced age, underlying health issues, and high rate of contact with young children—who are notorious vectors of disease.

This year will be remembered by everyone in the country as the worst year in memory—if not our entire history. Should a vaccine be approved by December, it is the overwhelming consensus of the Christmas community that it be made available to Santas immediately. Only then might we rescue just the tiniest bit of happiness.

Please make Santa Claus a national health priority. Thank you.


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December 2020