Murder, She Wrote, by Nancy Brophy

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From an archived version of a blog post titled “How to Murder Your Husband,” which was allegedly written in 2011 by Nancy Brophy, who was put on trial in April for shooting and killing her husband in 2018.

As a romantic suspense writer, I spend a lot of time thinking about murder and, consequently, police procedure. After all, if the murder is supposed to set me free, I certainly don’t want to spend time in jail. And let me say clearly for the record: I don’t like jumpsuits and orange is not my color.

motives

Financial: Divorce is expensive, and do you really want to split your possessions? Or if you married for money, aren’t you entitled to all of it? The drawback is that the police aren’t stupid. They are looking at you first. So you have to be organized, ruthless, and very clever. Husbands have disappeared from cruise ships before. Why not yours?

Crime of passion: In anger, you bash his head in or stab him with a kitchen knife. Most of the time there is a trail that directly leads to you. Every murder leaves clues. A crime of passion does not look like a stranger was involved. And who is left to clean the blood from your carpeting?

Fell in love with someone else: Let’s say your church frowns on divorce. You need to be a widow so you won’t fall out of favor. I should mention that it helps if you aren’t too burdened by the Ten Commandments.

options to consider

Guns: Loud, messy, require some skill. If it takes ten shots for the sucker to die, either you have terrible aim or he’s on drugs.

Knives: Really personal. Blood everywhere. Ew.

Garrotes: How much upper body strength does it require to strangle somebody?

Random heavy pieces of equipment: Usually this involves hitting someone hard with a baseball bat or the pipe wrench you just happen to have in your hand.

Poison: Considered a woman’s weapon. Arsenic is easy to obtain, and worse, easy to trace. It takes a month or two to kill someone. Plus, they are sick the entire time. Who wants to hang out with a sick husband?

I find it is easier to wish people dead than to actually kill them. But the thing I know about murder is that every one of us has it in him or herself when pushed far enough.


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