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Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton of Washington denied responsibility for siccing six zebras on residents of the suburbs of Washington, D.C.

Newly declassified documents revealed that the Australian Secret Intelligence Service opened operations in Santiago, Chile, to aid the CIA’s military coup against Salvador Allende’s democratically elected government on September 11, 1973.1 It was reported that, in the 20 years since George W. Bush ordered that Wall Street be reopened within a week of the September 11 attacks, over 13,000 first responders and survivors have been diagnosed with more than 60 types of cancer or other chronic illnesses.2 3 “The security measures incorporated into our lives are both sources of comfort and reminders of our vulnerability,” said Bush at a memorial service for the passengers and crew of Flight 93.4 “And we have seen growing evidence that the dangers to our country can come not only across borders, but from violence that gathers within.” The Justice Department sued Texas for prohibiting abortions throughout most of the state and released a report concluding that incarcerated people die prematurely due to unconstitutional practices ranging from the use of excessive force to the denial of health care.5 6 New York Governor Hochul pledged to “take a serious look” at a decarceration bill directed at city jails, whose population has increased 47 percent in the last year, and the de Blasio Administration tried to block state legislators from touring Rikers Island; Rikers and 11 other New York City jails have 60 times as many head trauma cases compared with facilities in the surrounding region.7 8 9 10 The United Nations’ rights chief bemoaned the fact that her efforts to access the Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region have failed.11 “For Communists, Mr. Nice Guy is not a really good person,” said President Xi in a statement criticizing ruling party members who look out for their own interests and fail to intervene in others’ corruption.12

Pope Francis sent ice cream to thousands of incarcerated people in Rome, the Federal Trade Commission began investigating chronically broken ice cream machines at McDonald’s, and Taco Bell asked customers to send back used sauce packets in the mail as it pilots a recycling program.13 14 15 Roomba, the popular robot vacuum brand, announced that its new model uses artificial intelligence to avoid collisions with pet feces, and Singapore deployed robots to patrol its streets for denizens behaving badly.16 17 Secretive, gang-like police cliques have attempted to recruit 16 percent of sheriff’s deputies in Los Angeles, and documents released by the Brennan Center for Justice reveal that LAPD officers collect detainees’ Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook handles and input them into Palantir, a platform that shares its data and analytics to governments, spy agencies, and businesses.18 19 20 While one guard in an Israeli prison slept behind the security cameras, six Palestinian men escaped by digging a tunnel with a rusty spoon.21 22 23 “We will dig a new hole every day, until the rest of the prisoners will be released,” chanted Palestinians in the West Bank, parts of which Israel later put under lockdown.24 25 The Taliban restored its Ministry for Propagation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice.26

A new report revealed that, unbeknownst to Austin Water Utility, morticians have been dumping fluids from dead bodies down drains, potentially imperiling the treatment of wastewater sent to the Colorado River.27 Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton of Washington denied responsibility for siccing six zebras on residents of the suburbs of Washington, D.C.28 Boris Vishnevsky, a Russian opposition politician who is up for reelection this month, cried foul when two of his opponents changed their names and appearances to match his.29 30 A federal judge presiding over Epic Games v. Apple ruled that Peely, a banana that features prominently in Epic’s popular video game Fortnite, was allowed to appear naked in court, writing that “the Court understood Apple merely to be ‘dressing’ Peely in a tuxedo for federal court, as jest to reflect the general solemnity of a federal court proceeding.”31 32Sam Needleman

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