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[Weekly Review]

Weekly Review

Authorities in Syria seized hummus bowls made out of amphetamine.

In Great Britain, Queen Elizabeth II died at 96, ending a seven-decade reign.1 Parliament was suspended, soccer matches, fashion shows, and labor strikes were canceled, church bells were muffled, 96-round gun salutes rang out, and drug dealers offered discounts on cocaine and ketamine.2 3 4 5 6 In her final public acts, the queen accepted the resignation of former prime minister Boris Johnson, who, in a farewell speech, compared himself to a booster rocket and Cincinnatus, a Roman politician who returned from retirement as a dictator, and appointed as the new prime minister Liz Truss, who was supported by 0.3 percent of the electorate and who in 1994 described hereditary rule as “disgraceful.”7 8 9 10 Millions across the world mourned the queen, who refused to apologize for the monarchy’s role in slavery and colonialism, shaped legislation to exempt herself from racial and sexual discrimination laws, renewable-energy laws, and police searches, and didn’t pay income or capital gains taxes for over 40 years despite having an estimated net worth of over $500 million.11 12 13 14 15 16 17 “Our values have remained and must remain constant,” said the new king, Charles III, who does not have to pay inheritance tax.18 19 News of Charles’s accession was taken across Britain by heralds on horseback and to the Buckingham Palace bees by the royal beekeeper.20 21 “You knock on each hive and say, ‘The mistress is dead, but don’t you go. Your master will be a good master to you,’” he said. A Canadian citizenship ceremony was delayed after officials were confused about whom to swear allegiance to, a woman was arrested for holding up a sign that said fuck imperialism, abolish the monarchy, and an 89-year-old woman who worked as an Elizabeth lookalike announced that she would retire.22 23 24 Prince Andrew, a friend of Jeffrey Epstein who this year settled a lawsuit accusing him of sexually assaulting a 17-year-old girl, will receive the queen’s corgis.25 26

In Kenya, where in the 1950s, the British colonial government imprisoned tens of thousands of Kikuyu people and subjected them to torture, rape, and murder, the Supreme Court upheld William Ruto’s election as president after three days of continuous work.27 28 “Now you allow us to go home and sleep,” said the chief justice. Russian president Vladimir Putin congratulated Charles on Twitter, opened a giant Ferris wheel, which immediately broke, and placed sanctions on U.S. commerce secretary Gina Raimondo, Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema, and actor Ben Stiller.29 30 31 “We have not lost anything and will not lose anything,” said Putin, whose forces lost nearly 1,000 square miles of territory.32 It was reported that a Russian base near Melitopol was destroyed after soldiers were catfished by members of the Ukrainian digital collective Hackyourmom.33 “The Russians, they always want to fuck,” said the group’s founder. The Alabama Department of Corrections reminded reporters that they must wear “a complete set of undergarments” to attend an execution, and it was reported that the body of an Iranian woman who died of a heart attack while on death row was hanged anyway.34 35 In Aden, where in the 1960s British colonial forces subjected dozens of detainees to “serious, gratuitous violence,” Islamic militants killed 21, and in Cyprus, where in the 1950s, British colonial forces tortured and murdered at least 14 people during an uprising, an estimated 50 students were suspended because of their hairstyles.36 37 38 39 In New York, two men were removed from the U.S. Open after one gave the other a haircut while watching a quarterfinal match, and in Louisiana, a sheriff’s deputy who had been named in at least nine excessive-force lawsuits was judged to have acted reasonably when he grabbed a black woman by her braids and slammed her to the ground.40 41

In the Solomon Islands, Prime Minister Manasseh Sogavare delayed elections after claiming that his country could not afford to hold them and the Pacific Games in the same year, and in the Democratic Republic of Congo, a bridge collapsed seconds after its ribbon-cutting.42 43 It was reported that the Pennsylvania Turnpike’s debt was bigger than the entire state’s, and Pennsylvania police announced that two Wendy’s employees who interfered with railroad tracks did so in hopes of having a slow shift.44 45 A West Virginia couple whose electric vehicle died were rescued by coal miners, and it was reported that a teenager in the United Kingdom required surgery after inserting a USB cable into his urethra.46 47 Nigerian officials intercepted thousands of illegal donkey penises bound for Hong Kong, and authorities in Syria seized hummus bowls made out of amphetamine.48 49 In Las Vegas, a driver who was high on cocaine crashed into a driver who had taken meth, killing him, and it was revealed that a woman who was arrested for skipping out on a restaurant bill said that she had been targeted because police had “never seen anyone as good-looking” as her.50 51 In Spain, a woman was arrested after faking her own kidnapping for the fourth time; her mother had previously paid almost $45,000 in ransoms.52 A 19-year-old chess grandmaster who had been accused of cheating by means of vibrating anal beads offered to strip naked to prove his innocence.53 “Talent hits a target no one else can hit, genius hits a target no one can see (cause it’s in ur butt),” tweeted Elon Musk, the world’s richest man.54 A test of a prototype SpaceX rocket created a dumpster fire.55 —Jon Edelman

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