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Weekly Review

November 1, 2016

A 20-year-old woman in Texas was arrested after she rear-ended a police car while trying to take a topless selfie, a man in Arizona stopped to order food at an In-N-Out Burger drive-through window while being chased by police, and a 28-year-old man in Florida fell out of and then had his leg run over by his pickup truck on his way home from a strip club. Read more... Read More

October 25, 2016

Tens of thousands of people signed a petition calling for the impeachment of a judge in Montana who sentenced a man to 60 days in jail for raping his 12-year-old daughter, and a man in California was sentenced to 1,503 years in prison for raping his teenage daughter. A couple at a Cracker Barrel restaurant in Greenville, South Carolina, left their waitress a note telling her “the woman’s place is in the home,” in lieu of a tip. Hundreds of women in yoga pants marched through Barrington, Rhode Island, to defend their right to wear the garment, and Trump vowed to sue every woman accusing him of sexual assault. “I look so forward to doing that,” he said. Read more... Read More

October 18, 2016

Accusations surfaced that Trump had kissed a former Miss USA contestant, a makeup artist, and a Trump Tower receptionist without their consent; groped a People magazine reporter, a former contestant on his television show, a stranger he was sitting next to at a nightclub, and a stranger sitting next to him in first class on a flight; told a group of 14-year-old girls he would be dating them in “a couple of years”; and entered the dressing rooms of Miss Teen USA contestants while they were changing. Read more... Read More

October 11, 2016

The Shiyan Lake Ecologic Park in China unveiled its “exciting and adventurous” glass-walled bathrooms, and a public restroom in Virginia was consumed by a sinkhole.Officials in Indiana asked motorists for heightened caution during deer-mating season, and snake catchers in Australia observed a rare snake orgy in an empty pool. In Germany, the seven-year hunt for a man responsible for slashing inflatable backyard pools ended with the arrest of a 27-year-old man, whose apartment also contained multiple inflatable mattresses. “We cannot rule out that the man has some kind of fetish,” said a police spokesman. Read more... Read More

October 4, 2016

Hackers took control of a digital billboard in Jakarta and played a pornographic film, a church in Western Australia had its windows broken by a gang of children between the ages of four and eight who were armed with small rocks, and a Pittsburgh man was given 30 days to catch a wild rooster on his property before being penalized by the city. “I called the zoo,” the man said in court, “but they said they didn’t have the capabilities to catch a rooster.” Read more... Read More

September 27, 2016

The president of a Crime Stoppers chapter in Canada was fired for allegedly participating in the cultivation of cannabis, police in Mexico found a van outfitted with a ten-foot-long air cannon used to fire 60-pound bales of marijuana over the U.S. border, and an employee of the Royal Canadian Mint was suspected of having smuggled out an estimated $179,015 in “cookie-sized nuggets” of gold by coating them in Vaseline and hiding them in his rectum. Read more... Read More

September 20, 2016

In Minnesota, an Islamic State militant dressed as a private security guard stabbed nine people at a shopping mall, before being shot and killed in a Macy’s by an off-duty police officer. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump conceded that U.S. president Barack Obama was born in America, Jane Goodall compared Trump’s behavior to that of male chimpanzees performing dominance rituals, a dead Republican won his primary race for a seat in the New York State Assembly, and a deceased Siamese cat was sent a California voter-registration application in the mail. Read more... Read More

September 13, 2016

A tractor-trailer crashed on I-95 in Delaware, spilling 8 million blank pennies; a tractor-trailer caught fire on I-68 in Maryland, burning bacon and ribs; and a new ATM in Ohio was dispensing pizzas rather than money. New York mayor Bill de Blasio announced that 50,000 oysters were being distributed on beds made of porcelain from recycled toilets. “This oyster bed,” said the mayor, “will serve multiple purposes.” Read more... Read More

September 7, 2016

North Korea fired three ballistic missiles toward the Sea of Japan. JetBlue put an unaccompanied five-year-old boy on the wrong plane, sending him to Boston instead of New York; the SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket carrying a satellite leased by Facebook exploded on the launchpad in Cape Canaveral; and police in Florida arrested a man who posted his own “Wanted of the Week” mugshot on Facebook.A two-year-old girl was cited for littering by the Washington, D.C., Department of Public Works, a public library in Alabama announced plans to enforce jail sentences for overdue books, and convicted rapist Brock Turner was released from prison after serving three months of his six-month sentence. Read more... Read More

August 30, 2016

In New Jersey, a newspaper published two obituaries of the same man, one by his wife and one by a woman claiming to be his girlfriend. A minor-league baseball player hit a grand slam, smashing the windshield of his own truck, which was parked outside the stadium. KFC released an “Extra Crispy” sunscreen that smells like fried chicken, and Colonel Sanders’s nephew may have accidentally leaked the company’s secret spice blend to a reporter. A family in Turkey got food poisoning at a dinner they organized to celebrate their recovery from food poisoning. Read more... Read More

August 25, 2016

A 12-year-old boy was placed in charge of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign in Jefferson County, Colorado, by his mother, an official campaign coordinator. “You have a responsibility to your children,” she said, “to teach them.” Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort resigned after it was reported that he received $12.7 million in undisclosed cash payments from former Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych, for whom Manafort consulted, and the New York City Department of Parks and Recreation removed a statue of a naked Trump from Union Square. “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection,” said a spokesperson, “no matter how small.” Read more... Read More

August 16, 2016

A Filipino congressman called for banning Trump from the Philippines after the candidate referred to the country as a “terrorist nation” and called its denizens “animals,” and a Trump supporter from Virginia traveled to New York City and climbed 16 stories of Trump Tower with suction cups to demand an audience with the candidate, who was campaigning in Virginia at the time. It was reported that Trump’s campaign manager received $12.7 million in “undisclosed cash payments” from a pro-Russian political party in 2012, and Clinton’s tax returns revealed that 96 percent of her charitable donations last year were made to the Clinton Family Foundation. A black coating of biofilm was found growing on monuments across Washington, D.C. Read more... Read More

August 10, 2016

A grandmother in New Mexico was arrested for allowing her drunk 13-year-old grandson to drive, the start-up company Ambrosia announced plans to start clinical trials in which older adults seeking “rejuvenation” would receive blood transfusions from people between the ages of 16 and 25, and alumni contributions to colleges and universities nationwide dropped because of protests over racial equality on campuses. “I feel that I have been lied to, patronized, and basically dismissed as an old, white bigot,” wrote an Amherst alumnus. Read more... Read More

August 3, 2016

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he wouldn’t endorse Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan for reelection, kicked a crying baby out of a rally in Virginia, asked Russia to steal U.S. State Department emails, reportedly asked three times during a national-security briefing why the United States shouldn’t use nuclear weapons, and said he wanted to hit a “little guy” so hard “his head would spin.” Researchers in the United Kingdom discovered an orangutan that mimics human conversations. Read more... Read More

July 26, 2016

The Republican Party’s new platform said pornography was a “public-health crisis” and marriage was between a man and a woman, the porn-aggregation site PornHub reported that Cleveland-area searches for “Trump” had increased 648 percent, and, according to some male escorts near the convention, the number of married men using their services went up by a factor of six. “I haven’t been getting any calls,” said a female escort. Read more... Read More

July 19, 2016

A 19-year-old stripper in Connecticut was arrested for arson after police found her boyfriend’s DNA on a potato, which she had allegedly shoved in the tailpipe of a van owned by the man whose business she set on fire; and inmates at a jail in El Dorado, Kansas, rioted in protest of a mashed-potato lunch. A former U.S. intelligence official said pornography constituted 80 percent of the material on jihadists’ seized laptops, and Starbucks and McDonald’s made porn inaccessible from their Wi-Fi networks. Read more... Read More

July 12, 2016

A 36-year-old man in San Diego was arrested for setting four homeless men on fire, killing three of them. A husband and wife from North Carolina were arrested after attacking each other with pizza rolls, a Kentucky woman was charged with assault after hitting her husband over the head with a burrito and stabbing him, and a Florida woman was accused of hitting her boyfriend with her baby, which, a witness said, she “swung like a bat.” Read more... Read More

July 7, 2016

A British court awarded a 60-year-old woman the right to use her daughter’s frozen eggs to bear her own grandchild, and identical twin sisters in Colorado and California delivered babies at 1:18 a.m. on the same day. In a town in Long Island, where there have been no reported Zika cases, officials approved the construction of bat houses to ward off the virus. OFF! was announced as the official insect-repellent supplier for the Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games. Read more... Read More

June 28, 2016

Police in La Joya, Texas, offered a woman a taco after she reported being sexually assaulted by an officer, and it was revealed that the city of Chicago has spent at least $210 million on 600 police-misconduct lawsuits since 2012. A former prison in Philadelphia that has served as a horror-movie set was being prepared as a detention center for protesters arrested at the upcoming Democratic National Convention, and presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump fired his campaign manager. “Ding dong the witch is dead,” tweeted a Trump adviser, shortly before resigning. Read more... Read More

June 14, 2016

German nudists protested the proposed construction of a refugee shelter near their colony. An intoxicated man in Russia hacked off his friend’s penis. The Playboy mansion in California was bought by the heir to the Twinkie fortune, and a New Mexico man set fire to his apartment to protest his neighbors’ loud lovemaking. A fight between Russian and English soccer fans in France left 35 people wounded, and an Iranian soccer star was suspended for wearing SpongeBob-patterned pants. Read more... Read More

June 7, 2016

In Pennsylvania, a man crashed his Mercedes into a church, and in California, a man broke into a church, smashed furniture and bottles of sacramental wine for two hours, and set the building on fire. An Anglican vicar who was arrested for punching a paramedic and spitting at a police officer claimed that he had diplomatic immunity from the Vatican, and a man in Pennsylvania gave a group of Amish boys cans of beer and then rammed their horse and buggy with his car. “Rumspringa!” said the man. Read more... Read More

May 31, 2016

At a retirement home in Ohio, Henry Heimlich, the 96-year-old inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, performed his procedure for the first time, dislodging a piece of hamburger from an 87-year-old woman’s airway. Merriam-Webster defined the hot dog as a sandwich. A judge in Italy dismissed a criminal complaint filed against a 50-year-old man who paid his child support in pizza and calzones, and a man in Texas paid a speeding ticket with 22,000 pennies. Read more... Read More

May 24, 2016

Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto proposed legalizing same-sex marriage, Canadian parliament members introduced legislation that would ban discrimination against transgender people, and teenagers in Chester, Vermont, wore “Straight Pride” T-shirts to protest a new policy at their high school that allows transgender students to use whatever bathroom accords with their gender identity. A Louisiana lawmaker proposed and then withdrew legislation that would have required dancers at strip clubs to weigh less than 161 pounds. “I can’t strip, either,” said the representative. “I’m a little overweight.” Read more... Read More

May 18, 2016

Rodrigo Duterte, the mayor of Davao City, who called the pope a “son of a whore” and has been accused of running vigilante death squads that have killed 1,000 people, was elected president of the Philippines, promising to end crime in six months by “killing five criminals a week” and by restoring the “death penalty by hanging in public.” “If I fail,” he said during his campaign, “kill me.” Read more... Read More

May 10, 2016

Indian scientists attempted to curb carbon emissions by making cows less flatulent, and the Tunisian champions of the cattle-herding mobile game Bagra were given an adult cow. A 10-year-old Finnish hacker was awarded $10,000 after discovering a bug in Instagram. “I could have deleted anyone’s comments,” he said. “Like Justin Bieber’s.” Justin Bieber was sued for destroying the iPhone of a man who took photos of him failing to complete a beer bong. Read more... Read More

May 3, 2016

A New Jersey judge reduced to simple assault the charge of aggravated assault filed against a man who while dressed as the Easter Bunny dropped a 15-month-old girl during a photo shoot and then began to fight her mother. A daughter and mother in Georgia were charged with animal abuse for keeping 38 cats in their van, a man in Iowa was charged with animal neglect for keeping 62 ducks in a U-Haul, an elephant in Cambodia that was forced to carry tourists on a 104-degree day had a heart attack and died, a man in Hawaii was filmed punching a pregnant monk seal, and researchers found that dogs experience anxiety when hugged by humans. Read more... Read More

April 26, 2016

The United Kingdom issued an advisory against North Carolina in response to the state’s passing of a law in March that requires transgender people to use the bathroom corresponding to the gender on their birth certificates. A 30-year-old man in Philadelphia accidentally killed his four-year-old daughter while waving a gun around a room full of children, then attempted to frame his nearby five-year-old daughter by wiping the blood from his hand onto her shirt. A man in India cut off the hands of a teenager accused of raping his then-seven-month-old daughter. Read more... Read More

April 19, 2016

A Washington State woman who had eaten Ruffles potato chips every day for 20 years discovered she had throat cancer after a chip injured her tonsil. It was reported that a seal in Ireland was scared away from a seafood restaurant by a photo of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, a gorilla was filmed dancing at a British zoo, and employees of an aquarium in New Zealand revealed that an octopus named Inky escaped into a nearby bay, leaving behind his tank mate Blotchy. "He managed to make his way to one of the drain holes,” the aquarium’s manager, “and off he went.” Read more... Read More

April 12, 2016

The Tokyo Fire Department announced that 104 people had been hospitalized for acute alcohol intoxication during this season’s cherry-blossom viewing parties. Sweden’s tourism agency installed a phone line for anyone in the world to call “a random Swede,” and suggested discussing the northern lights, darkness, meatballs, and suicide rates. In California, two men began stabbing one another in the head and neck after one defecated on the other’s lawn. Read more... Read More

April 5, 2016

Lawmakers in California and New York announced they would raise their states’ minimum wages to $15 per hour, and an assemblywoman in New Jersey proposed a law that would impose jail sentences of up to 15 days on pedestrians caught sending text messages while walking. A 72-year-old man was arrested on a plane in Hawaii for trying to bite and head-butt fellow passengers after being told he wasn't allowed to do yoga, and a 59-year-old man on an EgyptAir flight traveling from Alexandria to Cairo claimed to be wearing an explosive vest and forced the crew to redirect the plane to Cyprus, where his ex-wife lives. "Always there is," said the president of Cyprus, "a woman." Read more... Read More