Weekly Review

A company that made robots for children with autism announced that they had run out of money and that parents should inform their kids that the robotic friends would soon die. Read More

At the UnitedHealthcare headquarters in Minnetonka, Minnesota, a flag emblazoned with the company’s logo flew at half-mast, and a shooter lookalike contest was held in New York City’s Washington Square Park. Read More

The Anchorage, Alaska, fire department asked local residents not to explode frozen turkeys in boiling grease; a wild turkey smashed through the window of a Montana home and roosted on the homeowner’s bar; and, at a Thanksgiving dinner in Memphis, Tennessee, a grandmother stabbed both her daughter and her grandson in their left hands. Read More

132 hamsters broke free of their cages in the cargo hull of a Portuguese commercial airplane and stormed the cabin, grounding the craft for four days. Read More

In Tromsø, Norway, fishermen trawling for halibut caught the USS Virginia, a nuclear-powered submarine armed with cruise missiles. Read More

Residents in Colorado Springs voted on one ballot initiative banning the sale of recreational marijuana and another allowing the sale of recreational marijuana. “Both,” said the city in a statement following the election, “have been approved.” Read More

In Michigan, it was reported that a man living in the woods of the Upper Peninsula captured video of himself being “knocked out cold” by what he claimed was a bigfoot. Read More

In Iowa, a North Liberty man was arrested for strangling a woman with the American flag. Read More

A 10-month-old fire station in Stadtallendorf burned to the ground after flames in the building went undetected because no one had installed a fire alarm. Read More

“It can wait,” Louisiana Representative Mike Johnson said of reconvening Congress to approve additional disaster funding. Read More

It was reported that Israel’s prime minister rejected a ceasefire deal with Hamas because he worried he’d lose his job, and that Hamas’s leader rejected terms for a ceasefire with Israel because he was hoping for the conflict to draw more countries into war. Read More

During a televised debate for the mayoralty of São Paulo, a candidate who worked as a crime-show host walked across the stage and struck a rival with a steel chair. Read More

Vladimir Putin implored his citizenry to have sex on their lunch breaks to boost Russia’s birthrate. Read More

An infantile pygmy hippopotamus took Thailand by storm; the English transliteration of her name, Moo Deng, would be “bouncy pig” or “pork patty.” Read More

It was reported that Vladimir Putin’s secret sons enjoy pretending to be Disney characters. Read More

In Australia, workers gained the right to ignore their bosses outside of work hours. Read More

At an aquarium in Sydney, a gay gentoo penguin mourned his partner’s passing through song, rousing the colony to join in his dirge. Read More

Former British Prime Minister Liz Truss, whose 49-day premiership was outlived by a head of iceberg lettuce, alleged that a group of “far-left activists” had “suppress[ed] free speech” after they unveiled a poster of the victorious vegetable behind her during a stop on her pro-Trump speaking tour. Read More

In England, an “exceptionally wet summer” affected the Cerne Abbas Giant, an ancient chalk figure carved into a hill in Dorset, temporarily reducing the visibility of its famously prominent penis; one tourist complained that there was “no attraction there.” Read More

A police officer in Arizona who recently received an award from Mothers Against Drunk Driving was arrested for drunk driving. Read More

After weeks of pressure, President Joe Biden stepped down as the Democratic nominee and endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris as his replacement. Read More

Former president Donald Trump was injured in what appeared to be a botched assassination attempt. Read More

On the Fourth of July, 26-year-old Patrick Bertoletti from Chicago was crowned America’s first new Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest champion in eight years, after reigning champion Joey Chestnut was banned from competition for endorsing vegan hot dogs. Read More

The Supreme Court decreed that former presidents are entitled to a degree of immunity from prosecution. Read More

Vladimir Putin took Kim Jong Un for a joyride, courting him with a limousine, a tea set, and an admiral’s dirk; Putin received a pair of North Korean hunting dogs in return. Read More

Donald Trump wished a happy Father’s Day to “all, including the radical left degenerates.” Read More

In protest of the Olympic Games, French activists announced a “defecation flashmob” in the Seine for June 23, when President Macron is scheduled to take a dip. Read More

Twelve largely politically indifferent New York jurors with interests ranging from live music to the outdoors convicted former President Trump on all 34 counts of falsifying business records to influence the outcome of the 2016 election. Read More

“I’ll explain it to you someday,” Trump said in response to the hypothetical question of how he puts his pants on. Read More

In Taiwan, MPs brawled after spending more than 10 hours debating legislative reforms; they pulled, shoved, punched, and tackled each other, and one ran off with the bill. Read More